Page 254 of Eight of Swords, Part One

‘Yeah, you did.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I don’t want you to be sorry.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Tell me why you said it.’

It’d be so much easier to lie. Lachlan should lie; he knows it.

But he doesn’t. ‘It just felt natural, that’s why I said it.’

‘I’m not your sweetheart or your baby, though.’

‘I don’t know why it happens when I’m stressed, I think it’s…’ Lachlan digs deep, but not too deep because beneath the surface sits a difficult truth he’s terrified to confront. ‘I try really hard to respect your boundaries and when you’re in danger, I mess up sometimes and I’m sorry.’

‘So you’re just treating me like her?’

No. ‘Yeah, I suppose.’

‘You don’t love me though. You don’t even like me.’

‘Jules,’ he sighs, shaking his head. ‘That’s fucking crazy to say.’

‘Is it? Is it fucking crazy, really?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re civil with me.’

‘I’m trying to walk the line.’

‘You love her so much and I have to see it every single day and I just…’ Jules gives a tiny sob, knees raised to lean his head as he curls up. ‘I want to know how it feels. I want to know, even if it’s just pretend. I don’t mind if it’s make-believe. Pretending isn’t lying.’

‘Jules…’

‘I wanna know what it feels like to be loved that way.’

Lachlan’s throat is full of thorns. ‘What way?’

‘Unconditionally.’

There’s never any good path with this one.

No matter which way he tries, Lachlan always ends up hurting Jules down the line. Intentional or otherwise, it’s like he’s fated to inflict some kind of pain.

‘I’m sorry.’ Lachlan lightly strokes Jules’ wet hair.

The boy flinches at the unexpected touch but only at first.

He doesn’t pull away, doesn’t snap at him to stop.

Lachlan trusts that he would if he wanted.

‘I never had anything… anyone… that was mine.’

Jules lets out another heart-wrenching little sob and clumsily puts his own hand atop Lachlan’s on the back of his neck like he needs to keep it there.