Page 97 of The Summer Pass

Lill nodded.

“Heart of the Blue Heaven,” said Vanu aloud. “That’s … that’s a hard one.”

Lill felt his whole body relax, as if just explaining that to Vanu, and having Vanu understand, made some kind of difference.

“I haven’t done the rites since leaving the Order,” he went on quickly, “and I don’t—I wouldn’t. I can’t anymore? It’s hard to explain. We were taught that worshipping the king made us accursed, and if we ever betrayed the Order or left or didn’t follow all the rules, we’d be … you know, on our own, maybe we’d be struck down by the angels. When I was expelled, I was sure that was going to happen to me. I felt like I was going crazy, waiting for it to happen. I still sometimes …

“But I see things differently now. It was getting to know you that helped the most, because you’re so very different from what we were told about you. I started to see how actually, everything they said was lies. Everything. I realized why I was thrown out, and I didn’t try to go back to the Order. I didn’t go try to rejoin Pantaresh’s army when they marched into the valley—I thought about how I should, probably, but there was never any doubt in my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to. I don’t worship the Great King. But still … ”

“Of course,” said Vanu. “You spent most of your life there. It’s only been—how long since you left? A year?”

“A little more than a year.”

“No time at all.”

“It’s not that I don’t think Artayarasha—my father—should make an attempt on the throne … I don’t know much about what kind of king Artashamaya is, really, but if I think rationally about everything I’ve heard … I don’t think he’s a good one.”

“I don’t know for a fact that Prince A wants to take the throne,” Vanu admitted. “He said something about opposing his brother, and that’s how I took it.”

“Me too. And I tried not to think too much about it.”

“And then I blundered in and made a joke. Fuck, I’m sorry. But look. I’m at your side. I don’t think the Blue Heaven, or whatever the Zashians call it, would hurt you for anything you’ve done—but if you’re scared, there’s no shame in it. You were taught to be scared. But you can always tell me. I don’t know what I can do, but you don’t have to be alone with it.”

Lill smiled up at Vanu and put his hand on Vanu’s knee. “Thank you. You always know what to say.”

Vanu shook his head. “I do not. I’ve been—” He waved a hand dismissively.

“What?”

“It’s about something different.”

“Tell me,” Lill prompted.

“Darma,” Vanu signed. “I’ve been thinking about what he said when we took him prisoner. Why he turned against me in the first place. I hadn’t realized it was jealousy. I truly hadn’t. I feel like a fool for not seeing that.”

“Well, he must have concealed it for a long time,” Lill offered. And Vanu always saw the best in people.

“He didn’t, though. I just thought it was something else.”

“Something else?”

“Disgust.”

“Oh,” said Lill. He remembered the way Darma had sneered at his own henchmen, when Lill was the prisoner, contemptuously suggesting they might find him desirable. That kind of disgust?

“For going with any man who wanted me,” Vanu explained. “When I was young, I used to be like that. I know that disgusted him. And somehow that made me want his approval more. I thought he was right to be disgusted.”

“Vanu … ”

“No, no. I don’t still … That was a long time ago. But I thought he was dead, and held his memory sacred, like the memory of all my fallen comrades. So I didn’t notice that it was a relief to have him gone. The man’s a shit. And a traitor and a usurper and fucking incapable of following orders—but also just … mean to me all the time. And I’d never really worked out why.”

“He thinks he should have been you,” said Lill.

Vanu nodded.

“But he finally got his chance,” Lill said, “when he took control of Tagra Degra—he could pretend to be you, and he completely fucked that up.”

As he was bound to do, being, as Vanu said, a shit.