Page 58 of The Summer Pass

“Um,” said Lill. “Nothing. To see you, I guess.”

And he’d had to get out of bed for that? Fucking typical. “Couldn’t somebody have fetched me for you?” Vanu signed angrily.

“No—I mean, yes, somebody could have if I’d asked, but I didn’t. I wanted to come find you here.”

Lill looked like he was gathering his strength to say something. He also looked like he shouldn’t be on his feet.

“Sit,” Vanu signed.

He crossed to the steps and reached up a hand to help Lill lower himself. Lill grasped his hand, and Vanu hadn’t forgotten how Lill’s hand felt in his—fragile bones and cool, calloused skin—but you couldn’t really hold something like that in your mind well enough. Lill sat, and Vanu let go of his hand. They were on eye level with one another now.

“May I offer an account of myself?” Lill said.

It was a formula Vanu had heard before in the lowlands. He didn’t think it was the kind of question that expected an answer, and indeed Lill didn’t wait for one.

“My name is Lillang-Ghan.” His voice was steady, and he sat up straight, meeting Vanu’s gaze directly. “Dallang-Ghan the White Viper, Grandmaster of the Order of the Sworn Defenders of the Divine King was my grandfather. My mother is An-Ghanill, his daughter. I was born at the Great King’s court in Suna. My father’s name was never known to me.”

Vanu nodded, unsmiling, arms folded. He didn’t know how to respond. This wasn’t exactly news, though he’d thought White Viper might have been Lill’s father, not his grandfather. And it seemed Lill had been using his real name, if not all of it. Vanu hadn’t been sure of that.

“So that is who I am,” Lill said, sounding a little less certain now. “I wanted to tell you.”

Vanu remembered how he used to think of his bride as a little fortress, fiercely guarded, only letting him get occasional glimpses of what was inside. He’d known for a long time now why Lill was like that, but there had still been so much unspoken between them. He’d never been welcomed through the fortress gates—but he’d never really knocked, either.

“Thank you for telling me,” he signed finally. “I am sorry I never asked.”

Lill looked startled. “Oh, but I probably would have lied.”

“I thought so, yeah.”

“I’m not lying now. I can tell you more. How I ended up in the Order.” He paused, looking away for a moment, as if he was gathering his thoughts. “At the time I was born, the Order was based at the court, and my mother and grandmother lived with the king’s women. When I was three years old, a new headquarters was to be established in the Tawa Valley, but my grandfather fell in battle. As you know.” A wry smile tugged at the corner of his pale lips. “They chose a different site, further south. My grandmother decided that I should be offered as a votive to the Order in my grandfather’s honour—also because she wanted my mother to become one of the king’s concubines, and that was difficult with an illegitimate child. So … ”

So it was Vanu’s fault. He’d killed Dallang-Ghan, and Lill had been sent into that hellish life as a result.

“I was raised in the Order,” Lill went on, “and I cannot clearly remember any other home. I think you know something of what it is like. We’re taught to believe ourselves tools of the Great King. We subdue our will and our being to his service. We make ourselves accursed in his service—we are not safe outside of it because of the blasphemy that we commit. I never believed myself to be—” He shook his head. “I always knew myself to be a faulty tool, but I never knew any other purpose. I didn’t leave the Order of my own will—I was expelled. I told you about that.”

He’d said all this in a level, matter-of-fact tone. Offering an account of himself.

“I got the letter from Madurasha’s real son,” Vanu said, to spare him going over that part. “Explaining the rest of it.”

Lill nodded. “That’s good. I wanted you to have that. I wanted you to know Lord Davanu had nothing to do with my mission.”

“I know. I realized that’s what you wanted.”

“And … were you satisfied?”

“Satisfied that Davanu didn’t want me dead? I never believed that he did. But—yes, it was good to have the full story. It was good to know the truth.” Not as good as it would have been to have Lill back, of course. Nowhere near as good as that.

There was a long silence. Then Lill said, barely above a whisper: “I’m sorry for what I did to you, my lord.”

Vanu felt as if he’d been drenched with cold water. “No!” he said aloud. “You did nothing you need be sorry for.”

Lill’s beautiful eyebrows rose. “I left you.”

“You had to. Or—you didn’t have to, but you thought you did.” Vanu made a frustrated noise. “I’ve never been able to explain it to my family, either, but I understand why you did that. I understood it at the time. I never blamed you for leaving. I wished you hadn’t. It broke my heart⁠—”

“That’s what I mean,” Lill said eagerly. “I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I didn’t realize I had. I didn’t know it was something I could do to you. It wasn’t until I thought about everyone in your family being angry with me⁠—”

“They shouldn’t have been.”