Page 66 of The Boy Bride

How could he have imagined this would not cast a dark cloud over everything between them? Had he become that much of a fool? And then it occurred to him, as surely it should have much earlier, that maybe this was behind Lill’s reluctance in bed. Of course. Lying down with his father’s killer, and discovering that maybe he liked it? Earth’s heart, what a fuck-up this had all turned out to be.

Lill said, “What about my brothers?”

“I don’t know what happened to your brothers.”

“You killed them.” He spoke coolly, dispassionately.

Vanu hadn’t expected that. “I don’t think so. Not intentionally. Did they come after me for revenge? Secretly? Because I’ve killed assassins—or, men who were trying to be assassins. But if they were your brothers … I didn’t know.”

Lill thought about that for a moment, his expression inward. A little crease formed between his brows. “I was just told that you killed them. Maybe it was as you say. Certainly they were bent on revenge.”

“Did you come here thinking I’d killed all your male kin on purpose?”

“No … ” He didn’t even try to make that sound convincing.

“Lill … I did fight your father and kill him. If I had been more skilled—or less angry—maybe I could have spared him. I don’t think he’d have wanted me to. He … he couldn’t’ve survived that battle with honour. If your brothers died at my hands, it was never my intention, and I am truly sorry.”

Lill looked at him with his head tilted to one side. “Are you always so honest?”

Vanu snorted. “No, of course not. I mean to be with you, though. Mean to try. Is L-ih-l”—he did his best to pronounce the name correctly—“your real name?”

Lill looked as if the question startled him.

“Your brothers all had Zashian names, as I remember, but yours … ”

“Chiddeng. Yes. My mother was Chiddang. My father was Zashian—well, you know that. Lill is the name my mother gave me.” For a moment he looked lost in thought—or maybe just lost. “I do have a Zashian name too, if you … ”

“So long as you don’t mind the way I say it, I’ll call you by the one you got from your ma.”

Lill frowned. “You’re speaking in complete sentences again. Should you be doing that?”

Vanu grinned. “Maybe not.”

They sat together in silence for a minute or two. It was beginning to get dark and would soon be time to light a lamp.

“So,” said Lill presently, shifting a little on the cushions, “you had my father’s seal from Na Gurti, and you knew who I was before the wedding. Were you not worried that I might have come here with revenge in mind?”

“Did you?”

“No.” He spoke easily. “I came because Lord Davanu said you would treat me well, and I … wanted to be a boy bride. I thought, when he first took me in nearly a year ago—I hoped he might make me his bride. But he has only one wife, as I realize now is your Hawa custom. I don’t know if he always intended to send me to you, if that was in his mind when he took me in, or if he only thought of it when Tirtu wrote to him. But he was good to me. He had already erased any thought of vengeance from my mind. I never had very many such thoughts, to tell the truth. I suppose it is not in my nature.”

Vanu thought of that holster full of little throwing knives, which told a rather different story. He didn’t believe all of this, but he couldn’t have said what he thought the truth behind it was.

In fact, though he pretended otherwise, he did have a habit of honesty himself, and he was never sure how to deal with people he knew or suspected were lying to him. He just didn’t fully understand why they did it. What was the point, when the truth was so apt to come out anyway?

“You liked him? Lord Davanu.”

“I was very grateful to him. He took me into his household at a time when I was destitute. He never called my father a traitor but spoke warmly of the friendship he’d had for him before things … changed.”

He’d forgotten that Lill did not know what had happened to Davanu. He wished he didn’t have to be the one to report it. “I’m sorry to tell you … I heard that he died shortly after you left.”

The boy’s face was a mask, but that was to be expected. And the sadness in his voice sounded genuine: “Oh no! Truly? I am so sorry. You must—you must miss him.”

Vanu nodded, and quite suddenly, as if something had broken that had been holding them back, tears filled his eyes. It was a good feeling to finally let them fall. He rubbed the heel of his hand over his cheeks, wiping them away once they had stopped coming. He caught Lill looking at him with shock. Maybe he hadn’t imagined a man like Vanu could shed tears. Maybe it was something more.

“I do miss him,” Vanu signed. “I loved him.”

“Loved?” Lill translated tentatively, repeating the sign.