Page 106 of The Boy Bride

After a while, he heard Vanu coming up the stairs to the balcony and going into his own room. He seemed to have come up alone; Lill could imagine Susami waiting at the bottom of the stairs, dutiful enough to obey when he told her she didn’t need to come up and put him to bed. Or maybe she was angry enough with him that she hadn’t offered.

Will he think I sicced his disapproving daughter on him because I was angry with him myself?

A while later, still not asleep, Lill thought he would get up and check on Vanu. He padded along the balcony, eased open the door to Vanu’s room, and slipped inside. Vanu was sprawled on his back on the bed, sound asleep. His clothes and boots lay in a tangle on the floor, and he was naked. The moonlight silvered the hair of his body. Lill glanced over him, his strong body lying so exposed and vulnerable. His sleeping face didn’t look peaceful.

Lill looked away. He felt strangely torn; he wanted to look at Vanu, and the wanting didn’t bother him. But Vanu was asleep and didn’t know he was being looked at. Lill bent to pick up the quilt from the side of Vanu’s bed and drew it over him.

Vanu woke with a jerk, grasping Lill’s wrist painfully hard before recognition dawned and he let go as if burned.

“Lill,” he gasped, lurching up to sitting. He looked pale and unwell.

“Sorry, sorry—I didn’t mean to wake you. Just—” Lill tucked the covers around Vanu’s hips.

“No, I—” Vanu looked as if he was going to protest that Lill hadn’t woken him, but realized in time that didn’t make sense. “You all right?”

“Me? Yes, of—” Lill stopped, thinking about it. “No. But it’s not your fault.”

“Think it’s got to be my fault. Don’t remember exactly what I did … but … ”

“It was nothing, Vanu. You didn’t hurt me at all. It felt … it was … ”

He couldn’t say it; he was alarmed that he’d even said that much. But he had to explain somehow.

“Do you remember,” he said, speaking quickly so he would get the words out before either Vanu or his own mind stopped him, “on our wedding day, you asked me if anyone had ever, had ever … taken me against my will?”

“Yeah. You said nobody had.”

Lill nodded. “I thought I was telling the truth. I—I was, but—he … he tried to. Master Dumuz, Yellow Adder, he … he … I didn’t realize it until just now. I woke up in his apartment with my tunic half off, and my sash was on the floor, and I didn’t know what—what … That was why he sent me away. He said it was my fault, but it wasn’t.”

“You just remembered that someone tried to rape you,” Vanu translated.

“Not remembered—I hadn’t forgotten anything, I just didn’t … I didn’t understand what it was. I was drugged. He’d put something in the wine, and I passed out. And when I woke up … He’d been caught—someone saw him with me. He’d have been in so much trouble. He was supposed to be celibate. We all were, but he had a, a mania about it. He used to carry on at me about how I was too pretty, I should be ashamed of myself for looking like a girl—lots of people said things sort of like that, but he always made it … let me know it was my fault, made sure I felt guilty for it. And all the time, he wanted me and he knew … he thought he shouldn’t. Then he did something about it, and he got caught. Of course he had to get rid of me.”

“The fucker,” said Vanu succinctly.

“Yeah.” Lill took a deep breath and went on, even faster, “There’s something else. I had to kill the first man I was ever—had ever—the first man I felt desire for. Before I even knew what it was, what it meant to feel that—I had to kill him. His name was Zish. I had to strangle him, and I was too weak to, it—it took longer than … I couldn’t even give him a quick death.”

Vanu was silent for a long moment. “When you said you’re not all right … ”

“That’s what I meant. That’s … There’s a lot more.”

Vanu nodded. “We’re a fine pair.”

Lill looked up into Vanu’s eyes, startled. “We’re both … ” He fumbled to put into words what Vanu had just intimated so easily. “We’ve got scars. From the past. You drink more than you should, and I—I’m scared of, scared to … But I think we’ll be all right, though. We’re both quite tough, aren’t we?”

What was he talking about? He was babbling. He was reeling on the edge of some precipice. The fucker, Vanu had said, of Master Dumuz, and Lill had agreed with him.

“Extremely,” said Vanu.

“You didn’t hurt me, Vanu. You didn’t. I—I was yelling at you. I attacked you, and you were drunk, but you still didn’t really hurt me. But why were you angry with me in the first place?”

“Why was I … ” Vanu rubbed his forehead as if to dislodge a memory. “Nothing. No. I made a mistake.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not angry with you.”

“I’m glad. I’m the one who should apologize. You were drunk, and I tried to take advantage … ”