Page 60 of The House of the Red Balconies

Zo made the little noise that Hylas had come to recognize as signalling interest, the way he did when Hylas began to talk about hydraulic engineering or affairs at the government office and stopped because he was afraid of being boring.

“In Ariata, the noble families are forbidden to trade, so they don’t use money at all. My mother never liked me to have coins in the house. I used to have my pay directed to an agent who would settle up our accounts with the merchants every month. And when I came to leave Ariata, there was nothing left, I had no savings.”

“He’d cheated you.”

“Probably, but the truth is I don’t know. I hadn’t paid enough attention, all those years. I hadn’t thought about what my work was worth. I’d felt ashamed to receive pay and glad to get rid of it without having to touch it myself. Now—well, now I couldn’t think more differently. I detest this uncertain situation with Loukianos. I want to do my job and be paid for it. Though even if I did, I wouldn’t be a fit patron for you. You need—you deserve—a wealthy man.”

There was another space of silence. Zo moved to lie down on his bed. He was wearing the earrings that Hylas had given him, and one of them had gotten tangled in his hair. He reached up to loosen it and take it out. Hylas held out a hand to take it for him, and Zo’s fingers brushed over his as he dropped the earring into his palm. Zo fiddled for a moment with the other earring.

“I know that it isn’t possible,” he said, his voice low, “but can you tell me again that you want it?”

“Zo … ” Hylas’s heart felt over-full. “I want to be yours forever. Your lover, your support, your devoted servant. I can’t believe how privileged I am that you want to hear me say that.”

Zo pulled out the other earring and half sat up, making a move as if to throw it. He stopped short, the earring clutched in his fist.

“You can’t—Hylas, you can’t stay here.” He looked at Hylas with anger in his eyes. “I’m going to have to take a patron, and if you stay here, next door to me, sharing my garden and coming over to check on me and bring me tea—you can’t keep doing that. I’ll carry on sleeping with you. I want you so much. Do you think I won’t cheat on my patron with you? Hah. I’m a Zashian courtier. Of course I’ll do it.”

Hylas got to his feet and held out his hand for the other earring. “You will not give your word to be faithful to one man and then betray him. You left the Zashian court because you didn’t want to be that kind of man. But if you want me to go, of course I’ll go. If my staying would make things hard for you, I won’t stay.”

Zo handed over the other earring and lay back down.

“I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry, I’m—I’m being dramatic. It’s not helping.”

“You’re saying what’s in your heart,” said Hylas, putting the earrings aside on Zo’s dressing table. “I just don’t want you to be unhappy. I want you to be with a man who’s good for you. I think you can find that.”

He came back and resumed his seat on the floor by Zo’s bed. He stroked Zo’s hair where it lay on the pillow.

“I have until the end of the month,” Zo said.

“Why then?”

“Mistress Aula has said I have to secure the patronage of either Timon or Loukianos by Orante’s Month.”

So she had given him an ultimatum. No wonder he was upset.

“Or what?”

“Or she’ll tell everyone who I am. And I—I’m afraid of that.”

“Did you tell her why?”

“In general terms—she knows well enough. We had an argument. I couldn’t keep my temper.”

Hylas sighed. “You shouldn’t have to. She says things to you that are hard to forgive. But when it comes to Loukianos … he may be leaving the island before long.”

“What?”

He explained what he had learned that day and how the governor seemed resigned to being recalled to Pheme.

“I see,” said Zo quietly. “So even if I don’t take a patron, you may not be on Tykanos much longer.”

“Zo, if that were the case, I would have said so. No, I’ll be here. I may just need to find some other way to make a living.”

After Hylas left, Zo couldn’t sleep. He thought about the way Hylas had said, “If my staying would make things hard for you … ” Wouldn’t it be hard for him, too?

Of course it would. Now that Hylas was letting himself show it, when they were alone together, it was obvious how much he was in love with Zo, and how much it meant to him to be able to give his love physical expression. It would be hard for him to give that up.

But his whole life had been hard. He was resigned to this, the way he’d be resigned to anything. He didn’t believe he deserved to be happy, or to continue to be happy. Maybe he thought all he deserved was to have the memory of this short period of happiness to cherish.