Page 60 of Compulsion

He was almost kissing me—almost. There were a couple of millimeters of hot, charged breath between our mouths. I wanted him so badly that I felt as if my heart had stopped and my body was tapping its watch, waiting for reconnection.

“When I eat, I want you. When I walk, I want you. When I smile, when I dress, when I wash—I want you. When I breathe….”

“Shit.” I groaned. “When you learn to talk, you talk, you know?”

He ignored me. Or rather, he kissed me. Just with his lips—firm, moist lips that pressed his need into mine and breathed his desire through my body. I kissed back, and I took it further. I pressed my tongue to the sides of his mouth, and I lapped at him until he opened his lips for me to slide in. Who was in control now? No-fucking-one. He tasted of tension and anger and sweet, sweet lust, but underneath it all he tasted of Seve. Pure man. Pure proud, arrogant, newly lyrical man.

“What does it mean, Max?” he murmured.

I drew back, licking at the delicious taste of his saliva that lingered on my tongue. I trailed a hand on his chest because I couldn’t resist the warmth of his body anymore. “This is the best thing I’ve ever had, Seve.”

“So….”

“And maybe the worst as well.”

He paused. “Isn’t that what we’ve been saying? It needn’t be. We can just do what we want.”

I gave a rueful smile. “I can’t do impulse any more, Seve. Look where it’s got me.”

“You did. You came to me, from the start.”

“Yeah.” And damn, it was great! “But now I’m fucked, in all senses of the word. It’ll take me months to get over it again.” It was, perhaps, another of my feeble jokes. Or perhaps I really meant it.

“Why do you need to?”

He didn’t understand, of course. “What do you think, Seve? Don’t you see where we are this morning? There’s a dead man in the kitchen and a maniac with a power complex out there, threatening both you and your mother. I know I need to go to the cops with what I know, yet I’m holding back because I’m afraid of getting you into trouble, when all I want is to see you safe and alive. I’m fucking worn out with turning it all over in my head and finding just more things to sort out. You think we can just roll back into bed and carry on as before?”

“What do you want, then?” he asked, with more than a note of frustration. “If you go to the police now, we’ll both be wrapped up in this mess from the minute we walk in the door of the station. Mama will be left in danger and your past will be dragged up for all to see. I don’t want that either.”

“I know.” I put my fingers to his face and traced the worry line across his forehead. His breath huffed against my wrist. Then his face changed. He seemed to draw himself up, and the cool mask slipped efficiently back over his features. He was, again, the Seve Nuñez I had met that first time: the man who had nodded to me, oh so slightly, and lifted a glass in invitation. The man who controlled Compulsion. Who controlled a lot of things. But not me.

And he knew it.

“You said you wanted to get out of this life, Max. Perhaps I do too.” I realized he wasn’t looking for my agreement or even my sympathy. He was just stating his case. “I want the chance to be different, now I’ve met you. Isn’t that what you wanted for yourself?”

“I… yes, I guess so.”

“I want out, Max.”

God, it sounded so simple, the articulate words, the confident tone. Seve was a man who’d rarely been refused anything in his life. A man with his personal charisma might well make anything happen. “Seve, do you think it’d be that easy? How would you do it? Become Mr. Ordinary, like me. Without your job, your family support, your money. And nothing’s settled yet. There are too many things coming out in the open now. It’s gone way beyond just us.”

“You don’t want me to change, not even when I want to be with you?” He stared at me, bemused. He held out his hand, and I raised mine to match it. I spread my fingers and reached for his. Five fingertips touched five others and pressed gently together. It was an electric feeling—the current ran swiftly and shockingly through my veins. Our fingers slid slowly down and interlocked. His palm was sweaty.

“Seve, I want to be with you as well.”

“But—?”

I hushed him with my fingers on his lips. Rich, beautiful, appetizing lips. “But that’s not going to happen for us, is it?” I whispered. “Not the way things are. Not after last night.”

I WENT into the kitchen for another bottle of water. I felt more resilient now. The room smelled of tea and cleaning products, and there was no evidence that anyone had been working in there at all this morning. Except for the bundle rolled up in a sheet against the far wall. It wasn’t Baz any more, but it had once been a man. It reminded me of Stewart’s death.

I knew now that it wasn’t my fault that Stewart died. He was still dead, of course, and it was still fucking painful to think of him. But some of the terrible guilt had eased. I’d been part of the world that had killed him, but it hadn’t been my hand that harmed him. It hadn’t been my order that sent Baz to kill him—it hadn’t been my negligence that led any of us to that spot that night. Stewart’s conversation was clear in my mind, his complaints, his amusement. His world-weary wisdom and his unassuming friendship. His desire to help others, and not in some insincere, sanctimonious way. His steady belief that I could be better.

And I knew very clearly now what my way should be.

WHEN I came back into the living room, Seve was standing by the couch. He looked steadier on his feet now. Actually, he looked damn gorgeous as ever. The polo shirt was slinky and was probably really expensive. It gave him the impression of being respectably dressed, and yet I could see the movement of his muscles under the cloth and the hint of erect nipples that made him look erotically half-naked. He’d run a hand through his hair, and it stood up spikily on his scalp. He displayed a casual elegance that I’d never seen anyone else do so well. I’d told him how I felt about him—and he’d returned the compliment. I didn’t think he was going to lie to me anymore. Part of me didn’t mind either way. I had my truth. And anyway, what did it matter now?

I drew a deep breath but I wasn’t afraid. Just needed to bring things back under control. “I’m going to the cops, Seve.”