Page 14 of The Tourist

Ricky, whythe hell do you think you deserve anything at all?

Dan sighed andran his free hand through his hair. “It’s okay if you don’t want togo.”

I shook myhead. “But I do.” And I did.So, what was the problem? “I just… don’t know whyyou’d bother. We can fool around here. We can go to the bar, seefriends there.”

He ran hishand slowly back up my arm. “You think I don’t want to spend timewith you in other places? Want to do more with you thanfuck?”

I just staredat him, speechless.

His eyeswidened with an expression of shock and pain. “Thatis what youthink—?”

Then my phonestarted ringing.

Dan dropped myhand as abruptly as if he’d been burned. “There’s myanswer.”

“What thehell does that mean?” I couldn’t help glancing over to themobile—it was just instinct. Or that was what I told myself. “Itcould be anyone.”

“Yeah.” Dan’sface was very tight.

Ricky, Idon’t like being kept waiting.

“Answer it.”Dan’s voice was soft again, but this time not withgentleness.

“No, it’sokay. Just let me… Look, get us both another beer.” I realised Iwas reaching for the phone, even as I spoke.

Dan pulledaway, probably in the direction of the fridge. I didn’t need tolook at the display because I knew who it’d be. Same as themessages. I wondered if Dan knew I had different call tonesprogrammed in. Calder had done it for me at one stage, along withshowing me the speed dial functions. Probably when he gave me themodel in the first place. It wasn’t the best on the market—hedidn’t think I needed all those features, just to take hiscalls—but it was a robust enough handset, did its job. Kept me incontact. With him.

I disconnectedthe call without answering, dropped the phone back down on thecounter, then turned to face Dan.

But he was onhis way out of the kitchen, his back to me, without another word.And I stood there like a fucking statue, just as silent, andlistened as the front door closed quietly but firmly behindhim.

***

What the hellwas up with me? I was a gorgeous, young, fit guy with everything tooffer, and I’d had a fine man in my room who wanted to take it. Hewasn’t even forcing the terms. But now he’d gone. And it was myfault.

You fuck everything up.

I shudderedinside. So I’d been told, plenty of times. The panic bubbled insideme like lava. I could feel it rise up in my throat, bile pushing atthe back of my tongue.

You can’t cope withanything.

I didn’t seemto be able to think straight. I was acting like a brat, wasn’t I?Dan would get tired of me eventually. I could be a handful, yousee, nothing but an attention seeker, a drama queen. Well, soCalder used to say.

Did Dan thinkthat too? He’d waited all night at the bar for me, had come back tomine, would probably have stayed over. Had fucked me deliciouslyand with great care and had told me I was special.

And whisperedin my ear I love you.

I spun thephone around on the counter, restlessly watching the light reflectoff the display.

Special? Whotold you that? Ten a penny, Ricky. Guys like you.

If only Calderhadn’t come into the bar tonight. Why tonight? Why’d he keep comingaround at all?

“I’ve gotyour boxes safe, Ricky.” He’d smiled and nodded, as if we’d alwaysagreed I’d keep stuff at his place. As if we still spent timetogether. As if he cared about me.

As if he ever had.

Kept metalking until Matty got mad at me for neglecting other customers,made sure all his friends saw us together. Maybe made it so Dan sawus, too. “Come around any time you like,” he said, as he left.“It’ll be good to see you back.”