Page 57 of The Honor Society

I walk over to the couch where I left my phone and quickly text Axel. Nothing. Did he turn his phone off? It comes back as if he’s blocked me. The hell?

My heart sinks.

I’m making shit up, aren’t I? I’m wanting to believe something that isn’t real to justify my actions or what? Make what choices I’ve made somehow less horrible?

Tears well in my eyes when I see The Proctor watching me. I set down my phone and walk over to him. He takes a seat in a large leather chair. I crawl into his lap and tap his mask with my finger, staring into his black eyes. “Feed me.”

“Still hungry?”

“This,” I tap his skull. “Feed me your secrets and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“And break little Axel’s heart?” He responds. “How brave of you. Willing to give into me just to gain intel to what? Save him? Save yourself? Play the board a bit better? I wonder what your angle is, Famine? Or are you really just starving for the one and only thing I can give you.”

Chills run up and down my spine as he grips my hips with his hands. “I want your trust, Proctor. Take off the fucking mask and earn my vote. My allegiance.”

“Illegal for a Horseman to ask, nice try though. That’s what the Convocation’s all about. Power. Knowledge. Truth. None of which can be sold.” He picks me up with his hands and gently sets me on the couch next to him. “With this.” He kisses the top of my head. “Take the room. First door to the left of the kitchen. I’ll stay up and watch the cameras.”

“Too tempting to lay in bed with me?”

“Too much adrenaline to sleep. I’d rather kill the first man who tries to approach then guilt fuck you just to make you feel better about your ex-boyfriend. Don’t use me. I’m impossible to break, he however, was way to fucking easy to destroy.”

“What did you do?”

“To Axel?” He frowns. “I did nothing.”

I gulp as a knot forms in my throat. His meaning is clear. He did nothing. He may have been the reason behind it, but in the end, I’m the one who held the knife.

I don’t sleep.

Monsters should not sleep in thousand thread count sheets or whatever the hell this is and they shouldn’t own a nightlight let alone have it on in their room by the door! I glare at it. Pissed off even more.

I should feel terrified.

Instead, I feel like I’m safely able to sit in a monster’s bed and mourn the man I shot, the man I was protecting, the man I loved.

Because Proctor is right, in the end, I did those things. Me. Not Proctor. Not Jude. Not Lilah. I have been in charge of every decision. A true monster doesn’t own their choices. They blame others for their behavior believing they’re truly above accountability.

I’m worse than Proctor.

I stare at the phone in my hand and send another text to Axel. “I’m so sorry.”

It bounces back.

“I love you. So much. I still do.”

It bounces back again.

“I didn’t know it would turn out like this.”

Another bounce back.

With tears streaming down my face I type one last word. “Goodbye.”

Only this time it goes through and one second later, I hear the sound of a text alert going off. I bolt out of bed. What the hell?

That was a text.

His phone is on.