Page 62 of Blissful Devotion

Alex doesn’t leave, instead holding me for the rest of the night, or the rest of the morning, I think it is.

I can’t fall back to sleep, not when memories hit me like waves, violently making me relive my time with Lorenzo while also sprinkling in reminders of the amazing men I left behind.

The last two weeks have been a mess. I sleep only to wake to one of them here, ready to do and be whatever I need, all the while I’ve looked at them as if they were any other person.

My tears fall faster as I think of the way that must have felt to have me so close yet so far, still out of reach after everything they must have done to ensure they got me back.

“Hey, shhh.” Alex rubs my back, trying to soothe me, but I’m not sure that’s possible right now. “It’s okay. I’m here. You're safe. He won’t ever get his hands on you again.”

Alex’s words open the floodgates.

I’m on his lap, eating and feeding him.

He’s in bed with me, as I curl into his side before he goes cold, his hand wrapping around my throat.

I struggle with the covers as I move to get off the bed, but I’m not fast enough. My feet hit the cool wood, and my knees give out, my arms hardly strong enough to keep myself up as I lose the contents of my stomach.

What have I done?

“Kat!” I feel Alex beside me, the worry in his voice gutting me even more. “Fuck, baby, are you okay? What do you need?”

He gathers my hair up, pulling it out of my face as he kneels beside me, his other hand once again rubbing circles on my back, and all I can do is cry harder.

I don’t deserve him, any of them, not after I let him touch me.

How had I been so weak?

Gasping for air, I thank the gods that I’ve had very little appetite lately; most of what I puked up was only soup and liquids.

“Don’t.” I shake my head, squeezing my eyes closed as I gasp for a way to explain, to tell him what I’ve done, but just the thought makes me feel like I’m about to be sick again.

“Baby, please let me help you. I don’t care about this. We can get you cleaned up and go see the others.” I hear the hope in his words, the pleading request that I didn’t know was possible from Alex.

A sob ‌escapes me, and I quickly bite down on my bottom lip in an attempt to silence myself.

“Fuck.”

I’m off the ground the next second, in his arms, surrounded by his scent. My heart feels like it seizes up at the very thought that I ever looked at this man and made him question my love for him.

How will I face any of them?

“No, don’t.” I can’t see past the tears that won’t stop as I try to pull myself from his arms. It’s a losing battle, though, between his grip and my body betraying me, wanting nothing more than to sink into his familiar hold and take comfort I no longer deserve.

“What?” His voice is harsh, demanding as his fingers close around my jaw, forcing my head up. “Why would you ever say that?”

I blink past the tears and find his warm brown eyes boring into me, but I don’t have an answer.

“You deserve the world.”

My eyes go wide with the realization that I’d spoken out loud. Even worse, he believes that.

He blurs, my eyes welling with tears once again, and I shake my head as I fight to breathe, my lungs feeling like they’re filling with glass.

“No, not after—” I choke on the words, knowing admitting this will change everything, but he deserves the truth.

I don’t know what Lorenzo did to him, but I know he hurt him, both of them, and I betrayed them.

“Kat, baby, whatever it is doesn’t change anything. I love you so fucking much.” He leans down and presses his forehead to mine. His hand on my chin moves to cup my cheek, and I’m a crying, whimpering mess as I continue to shake my head.