Page 97 of From Beijing, With Love

Then come home. Daniel bit back his words. In the Forbidden City, he had told Yang to burn the village down. Yet standing here with his best friend, he couldn’t tell her to simply leave China behind, not when he himself had made this impulsive trek halfway across the world to see China for himself.

As much as he wanted to adultnap Poppy back to Amsterdam, he knew how important this work placement in China was for her. It was an opportunity for her to learn about her heritage, a chance for her to find her belonging. He knew firsthand the crap she’d had to put up with living in Amsterdam, forever being mistaken for a tourist in her own city. Not being accepted no matter how good her Dutch had become. That was what had bonded them together when they first met. Two little foreigners in Amsterdam, looking for belonging and finding each other.

“You know I want nothing more than for you to hop on the plane with me and go back home, but I don’t get a vote.” He squeezed her shoulder. He didn’t know how to fix everything, only that he loved his best friend. All he could do was be there and support Poppy through the messy nuances of it all, like she had always done for him. “Whether you decide to come home tomorrow, six months from now, or never, I’ll support you. Forever and always.”

In response, Poppy wrapped her arms around Daniel’s torso in a hug that could’ve broken all his ribs. The back of his eyes stung.

“And you? Did you find what you were looking for on this trip?” She looked up, her heart-shaped face hopeful.

“I did.” He smiled to himself.

He thought about the picture of his dad on the Great Wall—the unruly black hair, the smile—and his own photo of him standing on the same ancient structure. If the Great Wall had the capacity to hold memory, to write its own history, they’d both be part of it.

For the first time in his life, he felt whole.

But it wasn’t without its own complications, like his need to reconcile being Chinese with the parts of Chinese culture that conflicted with his core beliefs. He would need to learn how to hold his own convictions close to his heart while finding room to celebrate his heritage.

It was all a tangled mess, but he was willing to put in the work to untangle it, strand by strand. And he’d like to go back to China one day, with more knowledge about the country and more Mandarin in his vocabulary. He had already signed up for Chinese lessons in Amsterdam.

“Thanks for … well, everything,” Daniel said, planting a kiss on Poppy’s head. He was so damn grateful to be here, on this trip with his best friend by his side—the best friend who would always be there to give him the swift shove he needed when he was afraid of taking the leap. He was going to miss the hell out of her.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, remembering Yang’s last words.

She let go of him and wiped under her eyes. “Love you too.”

A jolt ran down his spine. “Why … why did you just say that?”

“Oh gosh, I don’t know … because I do?” She rolled her eyes. “You big dumb dumb. Is this news to you?”

“But why did you say you love me too?” Daniel asked, a tightness spreading across his chest.

“Are you having a heat stroke?” Poppy pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. “Because you said I love you in Mandarin. God, what did you think it meant?”

“I’ll miss you,” Daniel said, feeling light-headed as he echoed Yang’s words.

“Who told you that?” Poppy raised a brow, then she met his eyes. “Oh.”

“Yep.” Daniel looked away.

With those three words, uttered through the phone, Yang had given a piece of himself to Daniel and Daniel hadn’t even known.

That last night, Daniel had offered up those three words to Yang over and over again yet demanded that Yang not say them back. To not make the goodbye harder than it has to be, Daniel had told himself. But the truth was that he wasn’t sure if he’d really believe those words then. Believe that someone had fallen just as fast and hard for him as he had for them. Believe he deserved to be loved for who he was, mess and all.

This is you. Your needs, boundaries, limits, flaws and all. It’s all you. It’s a package deal. There’s no picking, mixing, and matching what parts of you I like or don’t like. Or what’s convenient and easy for me. It’s either that I can love the whole package, or I can’t.

Daniel felt stupid, because it had taken him this long to allow himself to believe those words.

Yang loved him.

It changed everything and nothing, other than making him feel the weight of Yang’s absence.

“Wanna talk about it?” Poppy asked.

Daniel fought his instinct to shrug it off, to dip into his arsenal of coping strategies. But he wasn’t going to ignore the pain this time, drown it with wine, or do what he did best—run away from it. He was going to face the fucking thing.

When he looked to his best friend, he knew he didn’t have to do it alone.

“I do, actually,” Daniel said, meeting Poppy’s eyes.