Page 22 of Poet & Protector

I blew my nose, crumpled the tissue and tossed it into the garbage can.

“Nice shot,” Ansel remarked, flashing me a smile.

I smiled back at him, grateful that he’d immediately reverted to the normal way we hung out. I wanted normal. I wanted him to know about who I was, but I didn’t want anything else to change.

“Should we talk about it some more?” he asked me. “Or not? I can never mention it again it that’s what you want.”

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

We’d gotten over the big hurdle. I hadn’t thought beyond that part.

“Can I ask some questions?” He pushed himself back to lean against the side of the bed. “I don’t have to.”

“Like what?”

I was kind of dazed. It hadn’t been a disaster. I had no reason to believe coming out to Ansel would result in anything other than kindness, but I’d still crossed into no man’s land. It meant the world that my best friend was willing to go there with me.

Ansel pulled his knees up to his chest, a thoughtful expression on his face. “How did you know?”

I laughed to myself. This had been my original plan of slowing traversing our way toward my coming out.

“What was it like when you got ‘the talk’ about Guardian mates?” I asked him.

Ansel pursed his lips. “Well, it was a little different for me because Calla and I got the talk at the same time. I was two years younger, but because she’s an alpha there were more implications for our whole family and my parents decided it was important that I understand what it was about, too.”

“And what did your parents tell you?”

“There was a lot about duty first, and the importance of the Keepers overseeing Guardian bloodlines,” he told me. “They reminded Calla that she and Ren were destined to rule a future pack and that their mating when they turned eighteen would be the most important thing that had happened to Guardians in a long time. But then they talked about friendship, trust, and bonding. They talked about families making packs stronger.

“Then, of course, they got into the nitty gritty of anatomy and reproduction, which I thought was weird and kind of gross. I mean, I was eight. My mom kept blushing and my dad was all matter-of-fact. Then my mom pulled Calla aside for a private talk between alpha females and my dad took me hunting. While we were out in the woods, he talked a little more about mates and said that even if I wasn’t sure how I felt about a mate when they were assigned to me, I needed to remember friendship and trust are things that can grow and might even become love.”

He paused, frowning. “Calla told me much later, a few years later, that Mom’s private talk with her was about the different rules for female alphas and that she couldn’t do any of the physical stuff they’d explained until after the union, but Ren could. And it’s pretty much played out exactly the way my mom described it. Ren really gets around. I think it bothers Calla even though she never talks about it. I feel bad for her. It’s super unfair.”

He glanced at me. “Sorry, I’m babbling. Why did you want to know?”

It was interesting to hear his story. I expected it would be different than my experience. I was right.

“That wasn’t the talk I got,” I told him. “Mine was short. ‘Someday the Keepers might decide to give you a mate and after that you could be ordered to have children like we were. This is how it works.’ Then they showed me a PowerPoint.”

Ansel’s eyes bulged. “No way.”

“I wish I was kidding,” I said, with a dry laugh. “Halfway through the presentation I freaked out. I said I didn’t want a mate and when they explained that was normal because I was young, I freaked out even more. I told them they were wrong and that I didn’t want a mate because I didn’t want to do those things with a girl. Then I asked if I could have a boy mate instead.”

Ansel worried his lower lip. “What did they say?”

“My dad looked at my mom and said, ‘Deal with this,’ and then he left the room.”

Scooching closer to me on the floor, Ansel said, “I’m sorry.”

I shrugged. “It’s not exactly a shocker, and at the time I didn’t understand why he was angry.”

“Was your mom angry, too?” he asked.

“No.” The memory brought a quiet ache. “She was scared. I could smell her fear; it was like ice on steel and that terrified me. She spoke very calmly, but I could sense how upset she was.”

“What did she say?”

“She told me I could never say that again, about wanting a boy mate,” I answered. “She reminded me that Guardians followed Keeper laws and only male and female mating was permitted because it ensured the correct balance of packs. She also reminded me the only reason I was born was to continue the pack lineages the Keepers valued so highly, and that if we forgot about how much the Keepers give us and ignored their laws, we were being selfish. ‘Guardians can never be selfish,’ she said, and made me say it back to her.”