Page 55 of You’re So Vein

All the snack food is still on the bench, where Preeti left it, so I grab a couple of bags of crisps and follow Dante back into the living room, wondering how I can fix this problem with Celeste.

Augustin managed to give my mother the slip. He’s hiding in the corner, pouring water into the neglected potted plants on the windowsill. The Nevermore Coven is helping the TV crew set up while Mamma shows her photo album to the Naughty Knitting Club. I suppose that’s mildly less mortifying.

I turn my attention back to Dante in time to hear him say, “—Gideon tells us you are the tourism operator in the village?”

“Yes. I run the events calendar and organise our festivals. Perhaps you’ll still be here for our new Uncurse November Festival, just as soon as I come up with a suitable theme.”

“Councillor Durant, that drab suit of yours will not do!”

Augustin glances wistfully at the door, but he’s not fast enough. Sunita and Dolly pounce.

“You can’t stand next to our Komal looking like you’re attending a funeral.” Dolly Auntie yanks a brooch from her sari and pins it on Augustin’s lapel. “There! Now you have some sparkle.”

“I don’t require sparkle—”

“Why not?” Mina grins. “If it’s good enough for Edward Cullen…”

“Who’s Edward Cullen? Is he the uncle with the unusual foot fungus?” Augustin looks to me for help as Sunita drags a makeup palette from her handbag and brushes colour onto his pale cheeks, while Dolly finds another sparkly brooch for his opposite lapel.

I burst out laughing, but the laughter dies on my lips as I catch Dante watching Augustin with a strange, rapt expression – something between longing and hurt.

Interesting.

Before I can inquire further, I’m being tugged away by my curls.

“I told you to do something with your hair!” Mamma digs her fingers into my unruly mane, yanking me so hard that tears form in my eyes. “No daughter of mine should be on TV like this.”

“Honestly, Komal, sometimes it’s like you don’t care,” Preeti says as she breezes past, wine glass in hand. “You didn’t bring out those snacks, either. I pulled them out of the cupboard and everything. Also, when you’re done with the TV crew, can you blow up that inflatable T-rex for the boys? I don’t know how to do it.”

“It’s easy. You open the nozzle and blow until it’s fat—Ow, Mamma, not so hard.” I rub my traumatised scalp.

“I don’t know what that means! You’ll do it better than me.”

“There’s nothing ‘better’ to do. It’s literally just blowing into a hole—”

“Lights! Camera! Action! They’re ready for their close-up.” Dolly Auntie shoves Augustin and me in the direction of the camera crew. The woman behind the camera films while a male reporter fires questions at me. While I’m talking, a rumpled-looking desi man with a pair of binoculars around his neck and twigs in his tangled dark hair appears at the back of the room and waves at me. Is that my date, Harish? Oh, delightful. Where is Papa finding these men?

When they stop filming and start taking static shots, Dolly and Sunita position our limbs to their liking. Augustin and I become their puppets. He tries to struggle, but even his superior vampire strength is no match for two desi aunties on a mission. Harish tries to step around them to talk to me and cops Sunita’s elbow in his face. He stays away after that. Already, he’s smarter than the last couple of potential husbands.

“Turn Augustin that way, and put Komal’s arm here, like this,” Mamma instructs Dolly. “No, closer. Make it intimate.”

“Er, Mamma, Dolly Auntie, it’s not really appropriate for me to be pinching Augustin’s bum on the campaign trail—”

“Nonsense, these aren’t for the campaign. These are your couple shots!” Dolly Auntie beams.

“We’ve decided the two of you are perfect together.” Sunita claps her hands.

“That’s not true,” Harish pipes up, grinning at me like I’m a rare bird he’s just spotted. “Komal’s my future wife, isn’t she? We are like two West Argleton Titterjays, mating for life.”

Augustin freezes with his hand pressed against my hip. His cool fingers flash me back to being trapped in the cupboard – the comforting softness of his touch, and the secrets he told me to keep me calm.

Auntie Sunita tries to move his arm, but it’s like moving a desi man from the telly while the cricket’s on. Impossible.

“Is this true?” Augustin hisses at me through gritted teeth. “You are engaged to this… fellow?”

The word fellow does a lot of work in that sentence.

We haven’t even been on one date yet, I want to yell. But then I hate myself for the thought, because what right does Augustin Durant have to judge my love life? He mocked the very idea of me getting married. Harish could be my great love, and it wouldn’t matter one jot what Augustin thinks.