Page 43 of You’re So Vein

Get back into your hiding spot this instant!

But my body won’t obey. For some absurd reason, I’m determined to ruin Komal’s date, since she won’t do it herself.

At the sight of me, Komal’s body goes rigid. “Durant? What are you doing here?”

Behind me, I hear Celeste exclaim as she and Dora see me.

“Here’s your order.” I step inside and drop my shopping bag in the middle of the table. “Scampi Fries, Jammie Dodgers, Club Oranges, Twiglets. And some of whatever these are.” I hold up a bag of lurid green candies. “Are these even legal to sell?”

Komal looks at me, down at the bag of confectioneries, and back at me again. Her eyes flicker with mischief.

“Those are happiness on a stick.” Komal grabs the package from my hand and tears it open. “Gimme. I’m starving.”

“Sugar is poison.” Komal’s date, who is even more shiny and beautiful close up, bites down on what looks like a piece of cardboard smeared with cat vomit. “Think of how much medium-intensity cardio you’ll need to work off those calories.”

“Joe, darling.” Komal leans back in her chair, chewing loudly on Hannah’s candy. “I wish you all the best with your BurpeeTorture app—”

“BurpeeSurprizz-with-two-z’s!”

“—but it’s just not working out between us. Why don’t you head next door and see Beth at Zen and Tonic? She’s got some lovely mushroom muffins and shares your absurd hatred for sugar. I bet the two of you would get along great.”

Joe shoves back his chair. “I don’t appreciate my time being wasted.”

“And Komal doesn’t appreciate nutritional yeast as a replacement for cheese, so I suppose you’ve both had a disappointing evening,” I say.

Joe rounds on me. “Who are you, anyway? Why are you interrupting our date?”

He leans in close, his broad shoulders taking up far too much space, his cheeks red with embarrassment and rage. His hands curl into fists at his sides. Is he going to fight me? Suddenly, I find myself hoping that he takes a swing.

Komal’s eyes meet mine again, and do something I’ve never, ever done before.

I smile.

I bare my fangs at a human.

Joe’s eyes bug out.

“What are you?” he breathes.

“Leave now, and you won’t have to find out.”

Joe bolts for the door, leaving a trail of dust and his green smoothie behind him.

“Best of luck with BurpeeHeartAttack!” Komal bites into a piece of pink candy as she calls to the swinging door. She rounds on me. “What are you doing here, Durant?”

An excellent question. One I don’t have an answer for. So I settle for the snark that always explodes out of me whenever I’m in the room with her. “He seemed just your type.”

“Oh, yes, we’re going to make beautiful, tofu-scented babies.” She rolls her eyes. “Papa wrote my marriage resume, and he’s sold me as this health-obsessed, super intelligent, super successful wunderkind. Which is very sweet, but it’s creating problems.”

“Chirag Ahuja is many things, but a judge of resting heart rate he is not.”

“My resting heart rate is perfectly fine, as you’d know, vampire.” She smiles at this as she opens a bag of crisps. Komal smiles often and freely, but usually never at me. Her full, red lips and shining teeth set off my symptoms again. I press a hand against my chest, willing my heart to quiet. I don’t want Komal to hear it and sense my weakness. “I know you’re angry at me for not giving up on the mayoral race, but I appreciate you getting rid of him. I’ve been mocking his ridiculous business ideas all evening, but he just wouldn’t take the hint.”

“You won’t be marrying him, then?”

My heart jackhammers against my ribs. I need to deal with this affliction. It’s becoming quite bothersome.

“He’s the kind of guy who meditates for three hours before sunrise, then spends the rest of the day yelling at junior developers. He told me he’s already booked our honeymoon… at a silent yoga retreat! No, I’m not marrying him. Although I thought his RageCycle idea had merit. But Papa has a huge stack of resumes still to consider. Somewhere out there is a man who can handle me at my most unhinged.”