Page 30 of You’re So Vein

“Augustin, why don’t you come with me? The men are out in the conservatory, and they’d love to meet you.” Sunita Auntie hooks her arm under Augustin’s and drags him deeper into the house. I follow, reluctantly, as Nikhil bounces through the living room, his face smeared with ice cream.

“Did you fix our helicopter yet?” Nikhil dumps a handful of dinosaurs onto the table and kicks a pile of ice block sticks the kids use as fences across the floor. “We’re making a dinosaur park, and we want to give it its own shed.”

“Sorry, I’ve been a little busy with the mayoral stuff. I’ll get on to it this weekend. The shed is called a hangar, and unlike planes, helicopters can’t taxi into a hangar, so we’ll have to build a heliporter to move it—”

I trail off as Nikhil tackles his brother into the china cabinet. I wince as Mamma’s Royal Doulton plates rattle on their stands. Thankfully, nothing breaks. The twins roll away, giggling.

The sound delights me and makes me want to vomit. I am a woman of many layers.

“That’s very naughty of Komal Massi not to fix your toy, isn’t it?” Mamma appears at the door of the kitchen, a warm cup of chai in hand, which she hands to me. “You should never be too busy for family. And you shouldn’t turn away nice Indian men with segways because they do not grow on trees. If you running for mayor wasn’t making your father so happy, I’d make you give it up. Rishi says you haven’t called him back after you stood him up the other night.”

I haven’t called Rishi back because he owns a segway.

Mamma and I watch Papa grinning as he bounces cousin Charles on his knee and regales his friends with tales of his hospital shenanigans. “My Komal is running for mayor in my stead, and she’s going to make all of my ideas happen!”

In the kitchen, I duck under Priya Auntie’s gesticulating arm to check the still-warm pots on the stove. The scent of Dad’s famous biryani hits me as soon as I lift the lid, and I scoop myself out a generous-sized bowl. Sunita must have brought over the pot after closing.

“Beta, don’t you feel bad for ditching Rishi.” Priya’s bracelets jangle as she hugs me fiercely. “He’s an odd fish, always riding around on that segway. He’ll never amount to anything. You should have a date with my Sanjay. Now, he’s real husband material.”

All of us kids grew up together, which is precisely why I can’t ever date Priya Auntie’s son, even though he is a successful dentist. You can’t find someone attractive when they threw up an entire plate of fish fingers in the pool on your tenth birthday. It’s biologically impossible.

“If Papa approves, you can add his marriage resume to the pile,” I say between mouthfuls.

“Ah, here she is! Our future mayor.” Sunita Auntie thrusts Moana, her Pomeranian, into my arms. “Hold Moana while I clip her toenails, will you, love? I’ve settled Augustin in with the men. They’re going to teach him to dance.”

At the mention of Augustin, the trails of his fingers over my skin tingle again. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea—”

“Arf!” Moana scratches my arm as Sunita comes in with the clippers.

“Sunita, stop torturing that poor animal. Komal, sit with us.” Dolly Auntie pats the seat next to her. She has her knitting spread out across the table. As a proud member of the Naughty Knitting Club, she’s making a sweater with tiny willies on it. “Tell us all about the handsome man you’re running against for mayor.”

“He’s not handsome, and I should probably—”

“Helloooo, my crazy family!” Preeti breezes in in a cloud of expensive perfume, dropping her handbag and coat on the floor in the doorway. The aunties crowd around her, kissing her cheeks, offering her food and chai. Nothing is too much for the family success story. She finally makes her way to me and throws her arms around my shoulders. “Komal, did you see Papa’s here?”

“I did. I actually broke him out—”

“Listen, I don’t suppose you could put the boys to bed? It’s only that I’ve had an absolute shitter of a day and they’re arguing over some toy and I just need a chai and a break.”

I don’t want to leave Augustin alone to turn my community against me, the way he charms everyone else. “Actually, I need to circulate and make sure everyone knows about my mayoral campaign—”

“Oh, Papa will do that for you!” She rolls her eyes, laughing. “Not one but two people threw up on me today. I smell awful. I thought I’d given up being covered in bodily fluids after the twins got out of diapers. Please? They love their Madam MacGyver Auntie so much.”

“I guess I can—”

“Thank you!” She kisses my cheeks. “You’re an absolute angel. Now, I am dying for a glass of wine. I stopped at the store on the way home and got something bubbly to celebrate your mayoral campaign.”

“That’s really sweet.” I feel a rush of love for my sister.

Preeti is already picking at the foil around the cork with her perfectly manicured nails. Apart from the faint smell of vomit beneath the thick perfume, she doesn’t look like a frazzled doctor after a twelve-hour shift. She looks like Preeti – perfectly put together and stunning and not at all a train wreck.

I glance down at myself in horror. My favourite red blazer I scored at the charity shop is now covered in dog hair, I have carpet burn on my knees from falling in the mayor’s office the other night, and stuck to the hem of my skirt is a Post-it note in Augustin’s tidy handwriting.

Wagon Wheels

3 x XL gardening gloves

Garlic pizza bread