Page 45 of Family Secrets in Inishbeg Cove

‘I was afraid. The longer the lie went on, the harder it became to tell the truth.’

‘Were you ever going to tell us?’ Lucy took up the lead now.

‘I’m not sure,’ Madeleine admitted sadly.

‘But we had a right to know something like that! We share Dad’s genes! What if we ever felt low but didn’t recognise the signs and history repeated itself? At least if we had known, we’d be more aware of our medical history, more tuned into our mental health.’

‘You’re right. I should have told you,’ Madeleine agreed. ‘I never thought of it like that.’

‘I just don’t understand how nobody let it slip or none of the villagers ever mentioned it over the years. We spent every summer and Christmas in Inishbeg Cove. It’s like the whole world knew this secret that we were never privy to!’ Lucy went on.

‘There was such a stigma around suicide back then – there still is, to a certain extent, but back then people never spoke openly about it, so I guess none of the villagers wanted to risk upsetting you by bringing it up. It was probably easier all round to brush it under the carpet and avoid the topic. I really am so sorry.’ Madeleine clasped her hands together.

‘I guess I can understand why you did it,’ Lucy said.

‘Thank you,’ Madeleine said.

‘But what you said about Nanna earlier – that’s unforgivable.’

‘I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean to upset you by speaking ill of Elizabeth. I was very fond of her and I respected her hugely.’

Faith looked at her sceptically. ‘It didn’t sound like it!’

‘I promise that what I said earlier was true. Elizabeth was devastated by the loss of her son; the circumstances of his death made it all the more cruel. Grief turned her into someone I didn’t recognise. She was normally so mild-mannered, but grief made her so angry. I’d never seen her like that before. She needed to lash out: she wanted something to blame, and I guess I was it. When we found out about your father’s gambling debts, she turned that on me by saying I must have been pressuring him financially to live a lifestyle beyond our means. She said he would never have got into debt unless he felt desperate, but I can assure you that wasn’t true. Although money was tight, I don’t think I’d ever been so content. I was happy with my lot. I adored being a mum and taking care of both of you. I don’t hold any resentment towards your grandmother; I understand why she was like that – it was grief in its ugliest and rawest form. She did apologise a few years ago, but I guess there was so much water under the bridge between us at that stage, we were never going to be close again. I admired her and respected her greatly and I know she was a fantastic grandmother to you girls, and she helped me out hugely over the years, especially by taking care of you during the school holidays. I would never have been able to climb so high in my career without her help. I will always be indebted to her. She loved you girls deeply and loved it when you came to stay with her. I guess she saw her son in you both, and being near to you helped to keep his memory alive. She was a brilliant grandmother’ – she lowered her voice – ‘even if she wasn’t always the most compassionate mother-in-law…’

Lucy reached out and put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Oh, Mum,’ she sobbed. ‘You’ve really been through it. I’m sorry.’

‘I’m sorry too, Mum,’ Faith choked out. ‘We had no idea what you went through back then.’

‘It’s actually a relief to have it all out in the open after all this time,’ Madeleine said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. ‘I hope you girls will understand and realise I only lied because I wanted to protect you. I did it out of love.’

34

The following day the three Brennan women had just finished dinner and were sitting around the table, too full to move. Madeleine had made a chicken and mushroom pie for them all, while Faith and Lucy had baked a lemon drizzle cake for dessert. She was flying around on her crutches now and was far more mobile than she had been when she first got injured. She had recently had her head wound checked by Dr Kerridge and he was happy with how it was healing. The sisters were slowly coming to terms with the bombshell that their mother had dropped the day before. They were working on repairing the fragile bonds in their relationship and were looking at their mother in a new light. Lucy and Faith had always believed a different narrative growing up: they had thought that their heartbroken mother had thrown herself into work and got so caught up in her job that she seemed to forget she had two daughters to take care of. They had assumed their mother’s obsession with her career was the reason why Elizabeth had stepped in to be the arms of comfort that Madeleine never was but perhaps now they needed to accept that the situation was more nuanced than that.

‘Did you hear that Met Éireann is predicting a white Christmas this year?’ Faith said. ‘I really hope they get it right.’

‘That would be exciting. It’s been years since we’ve had snow at Christmas. I can’t believe it’s only three days away! The time has flown,’ Madeleine said. ‘When I first had my accident, Christmas felt like an eternity away. I thought I’d never last this long in Inishbeg Cove but here we are – and we haven’t killed one another.’

‘Yet,’ Lucy added dryly.

Madeleine laughed.

‘We’ll need to make a start on some of the Christmas prep tomorrow. We’ve a lot to do but between the three of us, it won’t be so bad,’ Faith said. ‘I found Nanna’s sherry trifle recipe so hopefully we can do it justice.’

‘Your grandmother made an excellent trifle,’ Madeleine agreed.

Faith turned to Lucy. ‘How are you feeling about it all, sis?’ She knew Lucy was struggling with being away from Kyle at Christmas time. Madeleine and Faith had advised her to tell him about the baby, but at the end of the day the decision was hers and they had to respect it. Nobody wanted to risk another argument after what had happened yesterday.

Lucy grimaced. ‘I just want to get through it.’

Madeleine nodded and placed her hand over her daughter’s on the wooden table. ‘It’s only one day. You’re going to be okay, darling.’

Faith fell quiet. The new year was rushing in fast, and she knew it would soon be time to leave their cocoon in Inishbeg Cove and return to reality. She was dreading it in so many ways: the thought of each of them going back to their own lives and time moving on without their grandmother was unbearable. She knew her mother would want to return to her house in Dublin as soon as she was back on her feet, and Lucy had some big decisions to make about her future. She herself would need to find a job and somewhere to live, as she had given up her flat in Dublin to move in with her grandmother. Reality was creeping up like a stealthy fox. Faith couldn’t shake off the feeling that time was running out for them.

A loud knock at the door dragged her out of her thoughts.

Faith stood up. ‘I’ll get it. You stay where you are in your condition,’ she teased her sister. Faith had been making jokes about Lucy’s ‘condition’ ever since they had learned about her pregnancy, and the girls were enjoying the good-natured banter.