Page 25 of Family Secrets in Inishbeg Cove

‘I miss you, Lu. I miss you so much. The house is empty without you; the bed is too big. I even miss all your make-up being scattered around the sink.’ He cracked a smile at her and her heart twisted. It was a familiar complaint.

‘Well, maybe we both needed a break,’ she conceded.

He closed his eyes. ‘It just felt as though having a baby was all we ever talked about. Surely you noticed that things weren’t good between us? We lost our connection. I think all this baby stuff drove us apart.’

She felt as if he had taken a red-hot poker and branded her heart with it. The pain she had suppressed over the last few weeks while she was caring for her grandmother rose up inside her, wild and unleashed. The way he said it so casually, so carelessly. ‘Baby stuff’? He clearly had no understanding of the pain inside her heart. Of how much she yearned to have a little one of their own. Of the intense jealousy she felt when she had to sit through yet another friend’s baby shower or christening. Of the anguish that ate into her when another work colleague announced their pregnancy. Of how much time and mental energy trying to conceive a baby stole from her. Of how the obsession crept into every waking thought and every facet of her life. It was only since she had been away from Kyle and down in Inishbeg Cove taking care of Elizabeth that she’d had the time and space to think, to realise how much her longing for a baby had hijacked her life over the past few years.

‘So, it was all just me? I’m the only one who wants to have a baby?’

‘I did … I mean, I do – of course I do, I want nothing more than to have a family with you, but I hate what it’s doing to us. It’s tearing us apart. I hate seeing you so stressed and disappointed every month because it didn’t happen once again. I hate having to have sex on schedule rather than spontaneously, like we used to. I want us to be carefree again.’

‘Don’t you think I want that too?’ Her voice climbed higher. ‘Of course I do! But this is the hand we’ve been dealt. Somehow, we’ve found ourselves on this awful infertility journey and, if we want to have a baby, then we’ve no option.’

‘I’m just saying I don’t know if it’s worth losing what we have. It’s destroying our marriage. Even if it never happens for us, I think I’d be okay with it because we have each other – and that’s enough for me.’

She couldn’t believe she was hearing this. Why didn’t he want a baby as much as she did? Why wasn’t this as upsetting and as devastating for him as it was for her?

‘Y-you don’t want a baby?’ she asked incredulously. She felt alone, as if he had just washed his hands of it all, like she had been on a solo crusade all this time and he had grudgingly trailed after her. Had the past few years of their marriage been a sham? Did she really know him at all?

‘I love you, Lu. I love what we had before everything got … heavy.’

‘Well, having a baby is important to me.’

‘I guess I’ve been struggling because it’s er .… well, you know … I’m the problem.’

She felt her heart constrict, her anger dissolve. ‘I’ve told you before, we’re in this together. It is nobody’s fault.’

‘But that’s not true, is it? We both know I’m the reason you can’t get pregnant. Me and my bloody sperm that don’t seem to know what direction to go in.’ His tone was heavy with sarcasm and despair.

She felt sympathy soften her resolve. She got up and walked round the table to him, then placed a hand on his arm. ‘Please don’t blame yourself.’

‘It makes me feel like I’m not a real man, like I’m a failure.’ He reached out and wrapped her in his strong, muscular arms. How she had missed these arms, the security of his embrace.

‘Don’t say that, Kyle. It’s been a rough time for both of us.’ Maybe she had underestimated how difficult this was for Kyle too. She had just seen things from her point of view: she was the woman, the one who had to deal with her period arriving every month, not getting pregnant, but perhaps she could have been more supportive of Kyle and what he was going through. They had let this awful, stressful situation come between them, and she hated what it had done to them. Maybe she wasn’t the only victim here. ‘I guess we’ve a lot to work through…’ she conceded.

But ultimately, they wanted different things. She didn’t think she could ever be happy if they remained childless – yet he seemed to be willing to accept that fate.

19

After Kyle had left, Lucy was floored by a wave of exhaustion. She picked herself up and went into the sitting room, where her mother and Faith had been exiled. Elizabeth’s trinkets decorated the mantlepiece and her crystalware was proudly displayed in a mahogany cabinet, as it had been since Lucy was a little girl. She was glad to see they had lit the fire, so the room was cosy and inviting. She flopped down onto the sofa beside her sister.

Faith shuffled up beside her and squeezed her arm. ‘Are you okay?’

Lucy nodded mutely, not trusting herself to speak in case tears came out instead.

‘You look exhausted, you poor thing. How did it go?’

‘I guess it was good to see him and talk … but we’ve a long road ahead.’

‘Has he gone back to Dublin already?’ Madeleine asked.

Lucy shook her head. ‘He’s going to stay in Cavendish Hall for the night.’

‘Cavendish Hall?’ Faith asked, clearly surprised.

‘Well, I could hardly ask him to stay here. We’ve no free beds. And besides, even though we’re trying to work through our problems, I still need space. It wouldn’t be good to have him under the same roof while we sort it all out.’

‘So, is he planning on sticking around for a few days?’ Faith asked.