Page 57 of Coming Home to Inishbeg Cove

Chapter 36

Penny

I left Ruairí’s café and noticed that the wind had really started to pick up. It whipped loose strands of hair around my face as I walked. The villagers were still handing out sandbags and were using them to build a defence wall along the main street. I kept walking and was about to turn in the direction of my parents’ cottage when something made me stop. Ruairí’s raised eyebrows when I had told him I hadn’t said goodbye to Tadgh were sitting uneasily with me. Through his facial expressions, he had mirrored the same doubts I had felt for the last few days. Could I really leave without saying goodbye to Tadgh? Yes, you can. Just keep walking, a voice inside me said, but then another voice, a louder one, said, Don’t you owe it to him to say goodbye properly? I knew it would be easier to get in the car and head for Dublin and try to forget all about Tadgh but, as Dad always used to say to me when I was growing up, ‘the easier thing to do isn’t always the right thing’. I decided to walk up to the restaurant. If he was there, then I could say a proper farewell. If not, then at least I had tried, and I could return to Dublin with a clear conscience.

I glanced at my watch. Joe would be starting to wonder where I was. The steel-grey sky now had shades of charcoal and inky black, and it looked like it was about to spill with rain at any moment. The storm was close to making landfall so, if I was to go, I would need to be quick. Before I could talk myself out of it, I crossed over towards the cove and headed in the direction of the cliff path. The fishing boats were all moored in the harbour, and I watched as they rocked in the water.

The waves lashed and licked the cliffs below me, sending up spray. The wind blustered around me and several times I had to grip the safety railing – the only thing protecting me from falling down the sheer cliff – to protect myself. The wind caused the hood on my light rain jacket to balloon out around my ears, and it was difficult to make headway, such was its strength. Every so often I was showered by frothy seawater, drenching me, despite my jacket. This was crazy, I told myself. Walking along the cliff path in weather like this was sheer lunacy.

I was relieved when the restaurant finally came into view. A yellow light shone out from the porthole-shaped window like a beacon. I reached the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. I gave a knock and waited. There was no reply, so I tried again. Suddenly I began to doubt myself. Tadgh would hardly be here on a day like this, would he? But there was a light on... I was about to turn away when I heard his gravelly voice. ‘Penny?’

‘Tadgh—’

He looked taken aback to see me standing there. ‘What are you doing up here in this weather? I thought you had already gone.’

‘We’re going today.’

‘I thought you had left without saying goodbye.’

Heat crept into my face. ‘I wasn’t sure whether I should come or not...’ I admitted.

‘I’m glad you came, even if you are crazy coming up here in this weather,’ he said, grinning ruefully.

His smile made my heart smile. I was suddenly soaked by a particularly forceful jet of sea spray that frothed over the cliffs. I screamed as the icy water dripped down inside my jacket.

‘You’d better come inside outta that weather.’ He ushered me into the sanctuary of his restaurant. I lowered my hood as the gale outside muted to a distant drone. Water ran from my hair down my face. There was no one else in the restaurant, which was eerily silent, apart from the raging wind beyond the door.

‘You’re hardly working on a day like today?’ I said, wiping away the droplets that ran down my forehead.

‘I’m just catching up on a few bits while the place is quiet. I’ll head home soon. What time are you leaving at?’

‘Joe is keen to get on the road before the storm, so I can’t stay long.’

‘Are you looking forward to going home?’ he asked.

‘To be honest, I think it’ll be strange leaving the village after being here all summer, but it’s the right thing to do.’

‘And are you and Joe working things out?’

I nodded. ‘I know it will take time to get things back on track, but...’ I paused, searching for the right words. ‘We’re trying.’

His face clouded over. ‘The timing never seems to be right for us.’

‘What do you mean?’

He tilted his face towards mine, and our eyes locked. His cool blue eyes with their wild amber flecks were so clear and honest, like the purest spring water.

‘When you showed up here after all these years,’ he began, ‘I realised that there was still something between us, then when you told me that you felt it too, part of me thought that maybe we’d have the chance to be together again. I don’t know – it was like a sign that we were meant to be. I know it sounds stupid. I guess I’m just disappointed that it didn’t work out for us. Again.’

‘I’m sorry, Tadgh, but I have to at least try – for Lucy’s sake. I have to give my marriage another shot.’

‘I get that,’ he said, shaking his head, a haunted look in his eyes. I couldn’t help feeling that history was repeating itself. ‘But seeing you again has made me realise that, ever since we broke up, I’ve been waiting for you. As much as I wish I didn’t, I’ve never stopped loving you, Penny.’

I was blindsided. It was as if all my senses had faded to a blur – my sight, my smell, my hearing all became mute as I processed what Tadgh was saying. He said he loved me – that he had always loved me.

‘Maybe if life hadn’t thrown so much at you as a teenager, we could have had something great together,’ I said softly. I could feel all my resolve melting away. What might my life have been like if Tadgh and I had stayed together – if I had never met Joe? An image of us, settled in the cove, flashed into my mind, as if I was watching a movie of how my life might have gone. How I longed to stay, for him to take me in his arms, and to finally give our relationship the chance it deserved to grow and flourish, but how could I do that? I was married to Joe and we had a daughter together. I had to do right by my family.

‘So, you’ve thought about it too?’ he asked, his eyes wide and searching. ‘You’ve imagined what our life would have been like if we had stayed together?’

‘Of course I have,’ I admitted, feeling as though I was being pulled onto dangerous ground, ground I wasn’t sure I wanted to be on. I had made my mind up, but I knew my resolve was fragile and I didn’t want my feelings for Tadgh to cloud my head once again. ‘But we don’t get to see what life could have been like, had we stayed together. We get one chance and we have to make the decisions we think are right at the time. And right now, I have to try to save my marriage.’

He sighed. ‘I would never stand in the way of you working things out with your husband. I don’t know. Maybe I just have to accept that we’re just not meant to be...’

We exchanged sad smiles as silence fell upon us. There was nothing more to be said.

‘I’d better go before this storm arrives,’ I said eventually.

‘I wish you all the best, Penny.’ He moved closer to me. For a glorious moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead his face brushed past mine, so close that I could smell his salt-scented skin, then he turned and walked deeper into his restaurant, away from me and out of my life once more.