Page 22 of Coming Home to Inishbeg Cove

Chapter 14

Penny

Since I had begun working in the café, the days had started to pass much faster. I was slowly starting to accept that maybe Mam had been right, and things were over between Joe and me. He called every few days to talk to Lucy, but nothing had changed. He still sounded frustrated and edgy, and I found my shoulders tensing up from just being on the other end of the phone to him. Although Lucy and I were very short on clothes, I still hadn’t made the trip back to Dublin. I couldn’t seem to summon the strength to do it. My biggest fear was that Joe wouldn’t try to stop me if I left our Dublin home for good, and I still wasn’t ready to say a final goodbye to him. So, for now, I was content to stay as I was. It pained me to look too far ahead. I couldn’t think about what my life might look like without him in it. I had so many questions about the future – where would Lucy and I live? Would he try to fight me for custody? I could survive losing him, but I would never survive without Lucy. Some days, thinking about all the changes was so terrifying that I would feel my chest tighten and my heart start to thump. An angry buzzing would sound in my ears until I thought I might faint. Thinking too far into the future made me feel overwhelmed, so I tried to take things day by day. Then I broke each day down into manageable chunks and, somehow, I got through it that way. I got up in the mornings, brought Lucy for our daily run along the sand. Then we would return home for breakfast with Mam and Dad. Soon after that it would be time to go to the café for my shift. The only thing that gave me solace was that Lucy was happy and blissfully unaware of the turmoil in my heart. Mam and Dad were spoiling her, and she happily waved me off to work every day, knowing her grandparents would have a treat in store for her.

Much to my surprise, I found that I was actually enjoying working in the café. When I had started working there, as soon as the clock struck two o’clock, I would hurry to the cloakroom and throw my handbag over my shoulder, ready to go home, but now I looked forward to each shift. The café was usually so busy that the time flew past, and I didn’t have a second to think about Joe. It was the only part of the day where he didn’t infiltrate my thoughts and the minutes didn’t drag.

Ruairí and I worked well together. I liked chatting with him as we frothed milk for lattes or buttered his famous Guinness bread. Sometimes, when it was really busy, I would stay on for another hour to help him out until it eventually quietened down. It gave me a sense of purpose and I was usually exhausted by the time I hung up my apron in the kitchen and said goodbye to him.

‘Here, take home this tarte Tatin for your mam and dad, and bring home a slice of that rainbow cake for Lucy,’ he would say. On other days it was a jar of his homemade jam or a few of his lemon curd buns. He always sent me home with something nice. Mam would put the kettle on as soon as I came in and we’d all sit down at the table, eating Ruairí’s delicious treats with a cup of tea. It was a strangely comforting routine – a routine that I probably would have seen as pitiful a few weeks ago, but now it was one of the highlights of my day.

‘Penny?’ Tadgh said, coming through the door one day after the lunchtime rush had calmed down. ‘I thought you’d gone back to Dublin.’

‘Nope, I’m still here,’ I said with a grimace.

‘If I’d known you were looking for a job, I could have given you something in the restaurant,’ he went on, looking unperturbed by my sarcastic tone.

‘I wasn’t – well, not really. I’m just helping out on an ad hoc basis,’ I added, wincing. Why did I sound so formal?

‘Oh, I see. We never got to have that drink—’

‘Sorry, I’ve been really busy…’ I began to rearrange the jars of chutney that Ruairí had for sale on the counter.

‘Well, how about tonight? It’s céilí night.’

‘I can’t. I’m sure Mam and Dad will want to go to it.’ I knew they didn’t go to it as frequently as they used to, but it was a good excuse.

‘What about tomorrow night? That will be quieter – give us more of a chance to catch up.’

He wasn’t giving up. I knew if I made another excuse, he would just keep suggesting a different night.

I sighed internally. ‘Sure.’

‘Super. Is eight is okay with you?’

‘Great,’ I lied through gritted teeth.

‘What’s going on there?’ Ruairí asked after Tadgh had left.

‘Oh, nothing.’ I waved my hand. ‘Tadgh and I used to go out together years ago. It’s just a bit awkward now being back in the village...’

‘You and Tadgh?’ he said, nodding thoughtfully. ‘Hmm.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t tell him, but I’ve always had a thing for him. His brooding good looks and all that moody angst in his eyes ... aaah.’ He sighed dramatically. ‘Pity he’s as straight as a pin.’

‘You’re gay?’ I said.

‘Pick up your jaw there, Penny,’ he said. ‘Didn’t you know?’

I shook my head.

‘God, I thought it was Inishbeg Cove’s worst kept secret.’

‘Are you in a relationship?’ I asked.

He shook his head sadly. ‘There isn’t a lot to choose from in Inishbeg Cove – I think I am literally the only gay in the village. People who are gay usually head straight for the bright lights of Dublin or Cork. I was in a relationship with a chef who worked in Tadgh’s for a while, but he moved on. He found the village too small. I’ve been single for three years now.’

‘I can imagine it’s slim pickings in a place like this.’

‘So why the hell did you break up with the dreamy Tadgh?’ He folded his arms across his chest, giving me his full attention.

‘Oh, you know,’ I said. ‘Stupid teenage stuff. We were young.’

‘Hmm ... something tells me there’s more to that. Anyway, any word from you-know-who?’

He meant Joe. I had told Ruairí snippets of what had happened between us. He had listened, enthralled, before declaring that I was too good to be at Joe’s beck and call. And even though he was saying the same things that Mam always said to me, somehow it didn’t seem as harsh or judgemental when it came from Ruairí.

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

‘He doesn’t deserve you, Penny. Dublin’s loss is our gain!’ He pulled me into a hug. He smelled great, of citrus and musk, and I found myself buoyed up by the compliment. I realised how low my confidence really was. I had lived for so long in Joe’s shadow, waiting for him to throw crumbs of affection my way. People were forever fussing and tiptoeing around him, including me. Where had I gone to in that time? The girl who had left Inishbeg Cove at eighteen? Where was that girl – and her hopes, dreams and aspirations? Deep down, all I wanted was for Joe to love me like I had loved him, nothing more. I didn’t want the prestige or the fame of being married to Joe de Paor. I just wanted a normal, loving relationship, like other people had. People like Mam and Dad and, as I had seen over the last few weeks, Sarah and Greg.

‘It might not seem like it now, but you’ll be okay,’ he reassured me.

My head knew that Ruairí was right, but when was my heart going to get the message?