Page 238 of A Song for You

I check the time on my phone again and frown. She’s late. I scroll the list of songs on the playlist to distract myself from the panic bubbling up inside me. Years’ worth of music. It’s been a while since I’ve pulled it up. For a long time, the only way I could get through the day was by listening to the songs from the beginning of our relationship. Those were the moments where I didn’t know if I could go on breathing if we weren’t sharing the same air.

I survived on these songs and hope.

Hope that one day I’d do exactly this.

Hope that Catherine James would one day willingly become my wife.

Fifty-Eight

Cat

Marry Me by Train

By some kind of miracle, Sienna Langfield happened to be in Boston today and agreed to meet me at her brother’s brownstone. I had to cancel my plans with Jay, but I couldn’t miss this opportunity. And if anyone knows that business waits for no one, it’s him.

Standing on the sidewalk in front of the tall red-brick building, I’m taken aback by just how gorgeous it is. It sits across from a park dotted with trees whose leaves are every shade of fall. And its proximity to the water means there must be one hell of a view from the rooftop.

Like most brownstones, this one has almost no yard, so I imagine it has a decorated roof.

A place like this would be incredible for Chloe. The wide-open park we’d enjoy for at least three of the seasons, with running trails that would help ease my anxiety.

I can almost picture it. Walking hand in hand with Jay on the meandering paths while Chloe fills us in on her day. Maybe pushing a stroller or teaching a child to ride a bike.

I’ve never given myself the permission to think like this. Never wondered what it would be like to have more children. To have a partner to share my life with.

There was no point, because I never allowed myself to consider a life with anyone but Jay.

But standing in front of this brownstone has all those thoughts flooding my mind.

I dig through my bag and pull out my phone.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting?” Sophie answers.

“Do you think Jay will want more kids?” I rush out, my breath uneven.

“Cat,” she says softly.

“What if we have a baby and then I get sick?” I ask, admitting my worst fear. I refuse to let it suck me down, but that doesn’t keep me from blinking back tears. “I can’t do it, Soph. I can’t lose them again. I just got them back.”

“You aren’t losing anyone. And they aren’t losing you. Let Jay in. Tell him your fears. Go to the fucking doctor and deal with it.”

“But what if…” I whisper into the wind.

The leaves above my head swirl, almost as though they’ll carry my worries away if I let them. Tipping my head back, I watch them, immediately catching sight of the one person who has always had the ability to calm me. And he’s standing on the roof of this house, dressed in a tuxedo and frowning into the distance. “Soph,” I whisper.

“Yeah?”

“Why is Jay standing on the roof?”

She sucks in a breath. “Go get your happily ever after, Cat. Life isn’t guaranteed. For any of us. We’re given moments. Moments that are interrupted by the everyday, by kids and orthodontist appointments, by disappointments and work failures and mundane Monday sex. By too many nights having chicken for dinner and fights we don’t remember the next day. It’s not all beautiful, but the man up there on that roof wants to do all of that with you. And if you only get a few years with your soulmate, isn’t that better than no time at all?”

“Well, fuck. Now I’m crying,” I mutter, swiping at my cheeks.

Her laugh crackles down the line. “Yeah, me too. But it’s because my best friend is about to get everything she’s ever dreamed of, but instead of seizing the opportunity, she’s on the phone with me.”

Jay is up there, and I’m not stupid enough to leave him waiting any longer. We’ve both waited for far too long for this moment.

And he never gave up.