Page 136 of Colliding with Ten

“I know you did.” She squeezed my hand. “So you know it wasn’t just people speculating about our relationship. Black women who appear in public alongside white men of your stature get negative attention that doesn’t go away.”

I wanted to tell her I didn’t care about others’ opinions, but she already knew that. I listened because it mattered to her, and I didn’t want to offer empty reassurances.

“I grew up seeing this. My mother was Black. My father is white. I saw what that looked like from the inside. I saw how people looked at them in certain places and heard the assumptions people made.”

She huffed, her thoughts weighing on her. “I’m not telling you this to scare you off. I’m telling you because you went on television, and it’s not something you should have to do—” She stopped and pressed her lips together. “But you doing it meant a lot. But that was one interview. This will happen again. People will say things about me that have nothing to do with who I am and everything to do with what I look like, and I need to know you understand that beforehand.”

I thought about what she was describing. This was her reality, and it didn’t come with an easy resolution. She was telling me now because she trusted me.

“I spoke about you in the interview because it was the right thing to do, and I meant every word. But I hear what you’re saying. That was one time. You’re talking about as long as we’re together.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I may not have been ready for this before. It caught me off guard, but I can be ready.”

“I need to know more than that. I need to know you’ll stay informed. That you’re not going to rely on me to explain your own blind spots to you every time something happens. That you’re going to do the work of understanding a world you don’t live in, not because I asked you, but because it’s important to you too.” She paused. “My mother did a lot of that work alone. I watched it wear her down in ways that had nothing to do with being sick. I’m not willing to do that.”

I thought about what it took for her to watch that happen and then sit across from me asking for a different life.

“It may not be part of our everyday life together, but it will come up, and you need to be ready to navigate it.”

She wasn’t asking for perfection, just for me to be present, and I couldn’t imagine being anything else.

“I hear you.” And I meant it as more than an acknowledgment. “I’m going to be honest. I have blind spots. I know I do. I don’t always know where they are.”

She was watching me.

“I won’t promise I’ll get it right every time, but I promise I’ll take it seriously. I’ll read and listen. When I get it wrong, tell me. Don’t ignore it or work around it. Tell me, and I’ll do the work to inform myself and be better.” I paused. “I’m not a man who makes promises he doesn’t keep. Ask anyone who’s ever negotiated a contract with me.”

Her face was working through a range of emotions as she thought about what I was saying.

“Okay.” The corner of her mouth curved. “I’m going to hold you to it.”

“Please do.” I turned her hand over in mine. “There’s also AJ.”

She exhaled through her nose. “We’re not solving that today.”

“I know.”

“He doesn’t know anything for sure. I’ll have to talk to him. I just don’t know how or when yet. With AJ, everything is timing.”

I felt she needed to tell him sooner rather than later, but it wasn’t my call. She knew him better than I did.

She still looked tired, but her eyes were livelier. I sensed this conversation had weighed on her more than she admitted. My mood lifted too; even my headache eased.

“Come to California. When I’m better and when you can get away from the fellowship for a few days.”

She gave me a warm smile. “You sure? Last time I came to California, I drove you crazy.”

“Last time you came, I fell asleep arguing about Die Hard. For me, it had been the best night I’ve had in years, but I kept thinking that leaving it on Die Hard hadn’t been the best move.”

She laughed, and her body responded. We were back to the same high I’d had in Denver.

“Okay, I’m coming to California soon,” she agreed.

Mateo appeared in the restaurant doorway, tapping his watch. He mouthed ‘fifteen minutes’.

I looked back at Ayla. “I have to go.”