Page 55 of To Obsess

I hesitate on the second step, feet suddenly cemented to the wood beneath them. A churning fills my gut, followed by ringing in my ears. I scrape my shoe across the step and drop it to the next one with more effort than should be necessary.

Once I’m standing in the yard beyond the stairs, the anxiety seems to ease slightly. It doesn’t go away, but I don’t feel quite like I’m dying anymore. Instead, goosebumps break out across my skin and the hair on the back of my neck rises. A shiver wracks my body, but I’m determined to see this through.

I count each step until I lose track, focusing on the looming forest in front of me. When I’ve got maybe ten steps left, I look to the sky, finding the moon with a smile. I’ve always been drawn to the moon, loving that it casts light onto an otherwise dark world.

With one final glance around, I cross the remaining distance and step into the inky darkness of the woods.

KILLIAN

I see her the moment she steps out her back door, light spilling out around her from the kitchen. Though I can’t see her or even begin to imagine what’s running through her head, a smile creeps across my face. She came. She chose to put an end to all of this and give me a chance.

Nerves tickle my thoughts as she descends the stairs and crosses the backyard slowly, cautiously. Almost like she’s waiting for something to jump out and attack her. I hate that she’s feeling anxious, but I’m glad to see her fighting through that to meet me.

It takes no more than two minutes for her to cross the yard, though that feels like four lifetimes to me. My palms are clammy by the time she stops just beyond the tree line to look up at the moon with the most angelic smile gracing her features.

A wave of nausea hits me when her feet move again, carrying her closer. She steps into the black of the woods and halts, standing close enough to flee if needed.

I take a deep breath and flip the lantern light on, illuminating a small area with dim light. It’s enough that she should be able to make out the blanket and backpack but probably not my face. A sharp inhale draws my attention back to her as her eyes dart around the scene, taking everything in.

I wait, not wanting to rush her. The last thing I need right now is to spook her and have her run back for the mock safety of her house. That would be devastating for both of us.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she says, voice trembling. I let the silence stretch, allowing her the time to process. “I’ve dreamed of this day thousands of times. Though, it never took place in the woods in the middle of the night, but here we are. Doing exactly that.” The words spill from her mouth as if she can’t stop them.

“Here we are,” I confirm in a gentle tone. It likely won’t take her long to recognize my voice. My shoulders tighten as I brace for the impact, but it doesn’t come right away.

“What did you bring?” Her voice is stronger now, no longer trembling or timid. She knows she isn’t in control in this situation, but she wants me to think she feels a lot more confident than she does. It might work if I wasn’t able to see her fidgeting with her cuticle or the shake of her fingers as she tugs at one.

“Would you like to see?” I gesture toward the blanket, making sure to keep my back to the light so my face isn’t visible just yet.

She nods, stepping past me and lowering herself to sit cross-legged on one side of the blanket. I follow suit, noting how her eyes stay downcast, reluctant to meet mine. And I get it. If she does look me in the face, take in the features of the man who has been a mystery for so many years, it all becomes real. I become real. And for whatever sick, twisted reason, that’s bound to be a disappointment.

I reach for the bag, slowly undoing the zipper to reveal the contents. Her eyes widen when she sees the papers that are neatly stacked inside. Now, it’s me who refuses to make eye contact. I can’t lift my eyes from the bag, though I feel hers boring into me.

“You kept them?” Her voice is low as I spread the papers on the blanket between us. “I-I don’t know what to say.” That makes two of us, darling. I open my mouth to fill the silence, but the words never come.

“Not just those,” I finally squeak out, much to my chagrin. If I’m trying to impress her in the slightest, the voice of a prepubescent boy isn’t going to do the trick.

I pull out the things I’ve kept nearest to my heart for years now. The things I haven’t let anyone see. There’s a birthday card with worn soft edges from nights I couldn’t sleep but rubbing my fingers over the card soothed my worries. She gave it to me on my tenth birthday. When no one else even remembered I was there, let alone that it was my birthday, Violet made me this card.

There’s a “1” candle, wick charred but still in good shape. About five years ago, I dropped the matching one, breaking it when it hit the floor. This one survived, though. No one had given me a candle for a birthday cake since my mom died. Dad said birthdays were too sad without her here.

A shoelace is wadded up in the bottom of the bag, checkered and frayed along the sides. Violet gave it to me as a ‘friendship’ bracelet when we were sophomores, even though we were never actually friends. It was just a trend going around, and she saw that I didn’t have one, so she untied this one from her wrist and tied it on mine. I wore it every day for the rest of high school before putting it in a shoebox in my closet for safekeeping.

Her face crumbles with recognition and a hint of disappointment as the items are placed on the blanket. “Why did you keep all of this stuff?” She doesn’t look up as she says it, voice steady and stern, like a mother scolding a wayward child.

Fuck. This is not going well, I think, mentally kicking myself for even offering to meet her. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it would fuck everything up, and I’d lose the only good thing I’ve ever had.

I clear my throat, willing the words to vacate my head. “You were the only person who ever showed me any kindness,” I say simply. The words feel hollow, even to me.

I see the moment the truth lands full force for her. Her eyes lock with mine in the dim light. She recognizes me for who I really am in that moment. The shift from apathetic to pissed off happens so quick it’s nearly enough to make my head spin.

“You fucking lied to me.” I flinch as the words fly from her mouth, laced with a venom I’ve never seen from her before.

“I didn’t lie. Not really,” I defend, spiraling on how to save this from being a total disaster.

“Not really?” she damn near screams, shoving to her feet. “Why in the world would you think it’s okay to tell me your name is Alex, take me out on dates, have me feeling some stupid type of way about you, then drop off the face of the freaking earth, just to show up in the woods outside my house in the middle of the goddamn night so you could reveal that you’ve been the one writing me birthday cards for years?”

I have to give it to her. She has an impressive lung capacity. All that fury poured out without a single breath, leaving her heaving when the words were hanging between us.