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“It makes me feel weird too, baby,” she replies softly.

“Are you sad?” I ask.

She pauses and looks at the window, her smile is pretty now, prettier than when she lies.

“Sad isn’t really the right word, Reya,” she says. “I just get… far away sometimes. Stay here, it's going to be okay,” she adds as she starts to leave, but I stop her.

“Mom?”

She pauses in the doorway.

I think for a second, then point at my desk. “Wait.”

She watches me grab a piece of paper and a pen, I fold it once, then again, not really knowing how to do it properly, but I'm trying.

A heart, just like when she makes stars for me.

“If you get far away,” I say slowly. “You can listen to my heart, and then come back.”

Mom doesn’t answer right away, her face changes a little, then she steps back into the room and sits beside me. “Where did you get that idea?” she asks quietly.

I shrug. “You always do that with stars; I always make wishes now.”

She takes the paper from my hands carefully. “If I get far away,” she repeats.

I nod. “You just follow it back to me.”

For a moment she looks at it, then at me, then she smiles. “Okay,” she says. “Then I’ll follow it back to you.”

She folds it once more and puts it on the bedside table and leaves the room.

I should’ve made it smaller.

19

Damien

Play - Atlantis by Seafret

Always be here

Mama will always be here, Damien…

Her voice… her voice was raspy, and tired, her voice was close…

I almost answer, I reach for her, but next thing I know my hand is up, grasping for empty air and I am choking on my own breath.

I know the voice is wrong before I open my eyes. She’s been dead for years, most of my life. For fuck's sake this nightmare will never fucking leave me alone.

It’s only 4AM, still really dark outside. My mind races as I leap up from bed. Everything is in order and in the way it should be, so why is my heart beating so fast?

I try to shake off the lingering hole and sadness this little kid inside me is feeling, kicking off the duvet and padding my way into the small bathroom.

I rake a hand through my hair and get undressed to take a cold shower before turning the knob all the way. The cold burns, needling into my skin, and I let it. I stand there and take it until my teeth start to chatter, like maybe I deserve this more than sleep.

No voice. No memories.

My body is remembering where it is.