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Mireya

Play - Back To Black by Amy Winehouse

The End Of Everything

Coming back to the dorm after reflecting on nothing for hours, I open the large window above my desk, allowing the ocean breeze to blow through the room.

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to get myself together before the day even starts. My dark circles probably look bad enough to scare anyone who’d approach me, but whenever I try to cover them, I just end up looking washed out, almost grayish.

I didn’t like them when I was younger. I started losing sleep around eight. Back then, I didn’t know why. I thought it was nightmares, panic attacks, or that it was something truly wrong with me.

Only later, I realized it wasn’t nightmares, it was my body trying to warn me about things I wasn’t old enough to understand. Things that were happening when I was supposed to be asleep. Things I didn’t even remember clearly, because half the time I wasn’t fully awake for them.

And my father didn’t make it any better.

He used to tell me to get more sleep because no boy would ever want a girl who always looked exhausted. He’d say it like it was my fault, like I was choosing to stay awake on purpose.

It’s almost funny now, in a messed-up way. He’s the reason I couldn’t sleep. The reason I was exhausted. The reason everything felt off.

He was supposed to protect me, but he just made it easier for other people not to. Now I’m just used to it, the dark circles, the tiredness, the blank feeling sitting in my chest.

I don’t try to hide it anymore.

Hayzel told me once that she liked my dark circles. She said they made me look strong, like someone who’d been through things and survived. I don’t know why, but that stuck with me. Since then, I stopped trying to cover them. It’s the closest thing to a compliment that’s ever felt real.

It’s so early right now, Hayzel is probably going to wake up soon, and I’m already dressed.

Coffee.

Yeah, I need coffee.

I grab my purse and dorm key as I make my way outside into the courtyard, towards the small campus cafeteria, where people line up to get their snacks and little nibbles of food before or after class. It’s already buzzing by the time I walk in, and it’s only 6:30 AM.

A few people are already taking their breakfast there, and some are returning from a morning run.

I feel like they’re already training, and it’s stressing me out because I just smoked my entire pack of cigarettes while they were sleeping.

I get in line at the drink station, there’s a metal counter with a coffee machine, a few espresso options, and a guy working behind it who looks like he’s been doing this job longer than I’ve been alive. He glances at me. “What can I get you?”

“A double espresso, no sugar, and a latte, please.”

He nods without saying anything else as I step aside and wait, hands shoved in my pockets. The room is loud enough already, chairs scraping, boots on tile, people talking about today’s firearms drills and courses.

Everyone looks like they belong here, like they’re built for this. Some probably trained their whole lives or have already worked in law enforcement or the military. And some are just fucking smart.

“A double espresso and a latte,” the guy calls.

I step forward, grab both cups, and head back to my room first to grab Blue, knowing he’ll spend the entire day there after we finish getting ready. I set the two coffees on the floor while I fumble with my key, and before I can even fully open the door, he slips out, stretching and purring.

“Hey there, you missed me?” I murmur.

He purrs loudly while I open Hayzel’s door, which, strangely, isn't even locked, because my best friend is apparently a stranger to the danger of the world?

Blue doesn’t even hesitate and walks straight in like the king of the castle.

I grab the coffee cups, follow him, and close the door behind me with my hip. Hayzel is sprawled across her bed, half-covered by the blanket, naked ass out, hair still damp from her shower, and a towel on her chest as if she’d tried to wipe her face before drifting back to sleep.

“Woman, you fell back asleep?” I say, sitting down beside her.