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The End Already

The weekend after our last exams feels strangely unreal. For the first time in months, there is no training, no notes spread across the table, no deadlines, nothing left to study.

I should be relieved, instead anxiety comes back. Maybe that’s what this year has done to me. It taught me that even good things can feel frightening when you’ve spent so long waiting for the next terrible event in your life.

A year away from home. A year away from my brother. A year of losing and trying to find myself again, of falling back into self destructive habits I’d promised myself I’d left behind. A year of grief, of secrets, of the case that consumed me. A year of wanting him, pushing him away, and wanting him again.

And now it’s ending. St. Ellesta is ending. Seraphin Bay is ending.

Soon I’ll be leaving again, and everyone keeps talking about what’s coming next. But I don’t tell them that some part of me has already begun saying goodbye to this life.

Instead I’m sitting at Heath’s cafe, Hayzel’s laptop open in front of us, and both of us staring at the page. Damien is in front of me, calm as ever, confident, no drop of stress in those eyes.

I keep refreshing the page, but Hayzel loses interest in it and steals pieces of my pastry.

“What if they’re not what I think?” I say, anxious.

Damien looks up at me. “They will be.”

I shake my head before letting it fall on my crossed arms. “You don’t know that.

He leans in, and I lift my head to meet his eyes. “I know you.”

Hayzel nods at his reply and squeezes my hand. “You’re going to wear a hole through the laptop, Reya. You need to calm down.”

“I’m not even doing anything,” I reply, reaching for Damien's coffee cup. He pushes it further toward me with his hand and I grab it immediately. His always tastes better.

“You’ve refreshed the page twelve times,” she says before taking another bite from my plate.

“Thirteen,” Damien corrects her. And I glare at him, only to be met with a faint smile.

Before I can even answer, his phone buzzes on the table. He glances down at it, then stops.

“What?” Hayzel asks, stressed, or maybe excited. I don’t know anymore with her.

He looks at the screen again, not replying and my stomach drops. Gosh he’s impossible to read.

“Damien, tell us!” I say trying to make him talk. The wait is unbearable. We need to know, I need to know to believe I didn’t waste an entire year for nothing.

That’s when he turns the phone toward us, the email is open. Results are in.

Hayzel practically climbs over the table and I move immediately to be next to him. His hand finds my waist as he pulls me closer, angling the screen in front of us.

I lean closer, searching for Hayzel’s name first, and I find it, then search for mine. My name is there too. Hayzel’s hand squeezes mine behind Damien’s back and we both read what’s written beside the names.

Hayzel Wynn - Accepted.

Mireya Vitelli - Accepted

I stare at it, once, twice, air is nonexistent in my lungs at that moment, and Hayzel yells, “Oh my god!!” She throws her arms around me so quickly I almost fall on Damien. “We did it, Reya!!”

I laugh, or cry, I don’t know, but I repeat it as I squeeze her tighter, “We did it.”

Damien stands up quickly, his arms come around me next, pulling me into him, and suddenly the months of exhaustion, of anxiety, of doubt, they all crash over me at once.

I bury my face against his chest, not even caring about people around us and he holds me tighter. “Told you, I know you,” he murmurs against my ear.

I close my eyes, breathing him in.