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“What is wrong with you?! Why are you so self-destructive?!”

My breath catches, small and stupid, like my body forgot how to stay steady for a second. My fingers tighten against my chest. I can feel my throat close slightly, almost choking from his questions. His gaze doesn’t move. It stays on me too hard, trying to force something out of me I don’t know how to give.

And my first instinct is to look away.

I don’t know… leave, don’t look at me like that. Not you.

“Why are you still here?!” My voice bursts with violence, because if I didn't scream, I would cry. “I told you to leave!”

“Yeah? And you think I’m just going to walk away after what I just saw?!” He’s angry. Furious, actually. But I am too. I’m angry with myself. I always have been. Isn’t that obvious enough? “Do you think I can just turn around and pretend I didn’t pull you back from that again, Mireya?!”

“That’s exactly what you should do!”

“No!” His voice changes, it’s broken and I loathe it. “That’s exactly what I can’t do for fuck’s sake…”

I step toward him, trying to push him out of this space, out of me. I can manage when I’m alone. I always can. It’s only when he’s here that everything starts to slip out of place. “Walk away. Like you should’ve done from the start.”

His jaw tightens and he doesn’t listen. He cuts the distance between us in one step, and suddenly there’s nothing left between us to hide. “You don’t get to decide what I should’ve done.”

“Don’t—don’t do that!” I point a trembling finger at him. “Don’t stand there and pretend you know what I feel!”

“Then say it clearly.”

“Fine!” A dry laugh escapes me. A broken, and pathetic laugh. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t…” I stop, because it sounds false and he senses it immediately. “I don’t want you, Damien.”

Please hate me and leave, save yourself.

“…You’re a terrible liar,” he whispers, confident in his answer.

“Oh, I’m the liar now?” I chuckle, looking away from him. “That’s rich coming from you.”

“You want to talk about lies, Mireya?” His low voice rises. “I lied to you because I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near this in the first place!”

Answer, Mireya. Say something. I freeze slightly, no words are coming out of my lips. And him… He continues as his hand lands violently on his heart. “I shouldn’t know your name outside the fucking class. I shouldn’t be here watching you fall apart like this. I shouldn’t have to pull you back tonight!”

“So leave, please leave!”

“I TRIED!” He yells like he doesn’t care about being heard or seen. “I tried to stay away from you and it didn’t work!”

I can’t… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to push him away anymore.

He runs his hand over his agitated face. “You think this is easy for me?” His eyes meet mine, sad and worried. “You think it doesn’t make me sick every time I realize I’m already too involved to walk away from you and whatever the fuck this is?”

And that’s when I do what I do best. Defensive response.

“That’s none of your fucking business Damien! My life is none of your fucking business!”

He smiles sadly almost, his voice softens like he’s tired of yelling for me to accept it, “Everything about you is my fucking business are you blind? Are you fucking blind Mireya? Can’t you see how sick I am when you’re near me and I can’t touch you? When you’re fucking smiling and my heart softens like it never did before? Do you truly believe I’d let you drown in whatever pain you’re feeling and not care about it ?”

“Then stop.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can!”

“No.” Honest… too honest. “Because you mean too much to me and it’s too fucking late.”

I want to cry, to leave him standing there until he hates me enough to abandon me like I deserve to be. “I didn’t ask for this,” I say quietly, almost to myself.