Page 48 of Pretty and Loco

I had only thrown out the fun fact that she asked me to do her baby shower to make him sweat. But when she asked, I declined, telling her that I was booked until fall. I wasn't about to put the same time and dedication I put into my events into making my husband's wife happy.

I’ve been saying for years that fate brought Rocko and me together. That night, so many things went wrong. Decorations were missing, vendors were late, and my last model didn’t show up. I wasn’t supposed to be in that box, but as soon as I laid eyes on Rocko, the world felt right again.

Now, as we sit on this cruise, I can’t help but feel like the universe has done it again because for years I have been clear across the world. Just two weeks after our final blow-up, Coach Newman connected me with the coach of another team, and I flew to Georgia for an event. That's where I met Cardell.

Initially, I had no intention of dating. But I was in a full manic episode. My heartbreak was fresh, and I fully intended to go back to California and finish what he and I started. But when Cardell approached me, it was almost like I was looking at Rocko all over again.

If it hadn't been for that, I never would have accepted his offer to take me on a date. Things moved fast between Cardell and me, and we’ve been together since.

Cardell is a great man. He’s generous as hell, and attentive. He treats me like a princess. I like him. But make no mistake, I still feel like losing Rocko was me losing the greatest love I’ve ever known. Rocko had this air about himself. It was dominant; it made me want to do as he said. It made me want to be a different version of myself than I was used to. It calmed my crazy and silenced the voices in my head that told me to take it to the max.

Cardell is none of that. He was damn near just as crazy as me. If I call him twenty times, he answers nineteen. If I get disrespectful, he doesn’t remind me to watch my mouth. Cardell can correct me, but he can’t handle me, and that’s a clear distinction.

I genuinely believe that if Cardell and I parted ways right now, I wouldn’t bat an eye. I would drop Cardi off to him and his new partner on the weekends and get a nap without little fingers prying my eyes open. I thought something was wrong with that. But Daya told me this was normal. She told me that’s how normal people feel about relationships, and I was shook. For once I didn’t feel an overwhelming intensity, and it concerned me.

“Mommy, I want some more.” My daughter jolted me out of memory lane.

I picked up the plate that I hadn’t touched and slid the noodles from my plate to hers.

I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

Being a mother changed me in so many ways. It made me calmer, more patient, and less reactive. Not only do I owe Cardi Janelle the life she deserves, but I owe her mine too. From the moment that I found out about her, I knew that I had to be the best version of myself to raise and protect her. No man would matter to me more than her.

I chuckled at the way she fought with the noodles, twirling them on her fork.

At times, she reminds me a little of Rocko.

He could see the resemblance too. He questioned if she belonged to him. I said no, but the truth was, I had no clue. I found out I was pregnant after Cardell had already convinced me to stay in Georgia. He and I had been tangled up for months before I finally realized I might be pregnant. He was excited, so I figured sometimes it was just better to let sleeping dogs lie.

I’m not naïve. The conception dates line up perfectly with when I was in Georgia, but we’ve never had a test. The delusional part of me likes to believe that I was left with the most beautiful reminder of the love that Rocko and I shared. His first child. I know she’s likely Cardell’s, but seeing it on paper and confirming it will shatter my secret version of reality that lives rent-free in my mind and comforts me.

Then there is the part of me that is scared that if, by any chance, she’s Rocko’s, life as I know it will change very quickly. Even with years of growth, I don’t see a world where I have front-row seats to watch him love anyone else peacefully. I would be his worst nightmare and wind up right back at Mind over Matter.

Frankly, I have no desire to be the woman that I once was, thanks to my daughter and Kennedy. That woman has helped me so much, and I attribute a ton of my growth to her because I couldn’t have done this alone.

I know that when I tell her I am on a cruise with Rocko, she is going to lose her shit. She might even have them stop it to get me off.

I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and I turned my head toward it. It was Eris, moving her chair so she could put her cankles in my man’s lap. The longer I sat across from them, I felt like I was going to lose control. I really didn’t want to have to call Kennedy, but the way my chest was tightening, it felt like that might be best.

This was no one’s fault but my own.

We were still in Georgia when Cardell was randomly traded to Santa Clara a couple of months ago. I didn’t know it then, but we moved right into his neighborhood. I was standing in the window watching Cardell and Cardi play softball when Rocko passed by in his newest toy. He never saw me, but I often saw him coming and going.

I kept my distance as long as I could. I resisted the urge to swing by and get acquainted with my neighbors; I didn’t go to Cardell’s practices because I didn’t think I could handle seeing him.

But when I bumped into his wife in the clothing store, and she was on the phone giving someone her whole itinerary and yapping away about this cruise, I couldn’t help myself. I felt like this was fate bringing us back together one more time. I even picked up the same bathing suit that she had grabbed for her daughter for an extra razzle dazzle.

Kennedy would be so disappointed.

Cardell interrupted my thoughts and pulled me to him, raining kisses down my neck and collarbone. I turned to him and kissed him deeply before stepping out of his embrace.

“I’ll be back in a second. I need to make a call; my assistant is texting me in a panic.”

“Ignore that, Leah. Tell them you’re on vacation.”

“I know.” I kissed him once more. “I will.”

I hurried inside the boat and scrolled until I found Kennedy’s contact. The call wouldn’t go through, so I had to FaceTime audio her.