Page 1 of Pretty and Loco

Five Years Prior

I sat across from the empty desk with my mind racing. I was both happy to be going home and nervous about what life would look like for me going forward.

I ran my hand over the cream-colored pants that I was wearing as my leg bounced up and down at light speed and hummed.

After waiting for a little over five minutes, the door finally opened, and in walked the most beautiful woman. She had rich brown skin, the color of mocha; long black hair that fell to her nonexistent waist; and perfectly done makeup. It wasn’t too much; it was subtle but made her look so put together. Her posture and her aura said that she came from money. The rare Birkin and vintage Chanel loafers she was rocking confirmed my suspicions.

“Hello, I am so sorry I am late. I was held up by an issue at the front. I’m going to be doing your exit interview today, Miss Blanco. My name is Kennedy Jennings, and I'm a Clinical Psychologist. You’ll get used to seeing my face, because I will also be your case manager unless for whatever reason you decide that we aren’t a good fit for each other.” She gave me a polite smile.

Her tone made me relax a little bit. Her energy felt warm, almost as if I was sitting across from my home girl.

I had been transferred from California to New York because Mind Over Matter was said to have one of the best facilities in the nation, and they did. The care team here was phenomenal; everyone was so accommodating and pleasant, except Dr. Kroft. I hated seeing him coming. He was committed to not understanding me. He thought I was a walking nut job; he denied my release every quarter that I came up for review. Had it been up to him, I’d be stuck here forever. When I requested someone who looked like me, they told me they had the perfect person. The owner herself, Mrs. Jennings. They said it was a slim chance that she’d take my case, but I guess she’d agreed.

“Hi, please call me Leah.” I returned the smile.

“Perfect, Leah. I know I haven’t been here from the start of your journey. I’ve gone over every single one of your case notes, and they are quite extensive. I trust Dr. Kroft’s expertise, but I may ask you some questions that could be triggering, just because I want to rely a little on my own understanding as we move forward. Is that okay?” she asked.

“Fine.”

“Great. How was your experience here?” She asked as she picked up the pen and looked at me, waiting for a response.

The one thing that I had learned in these last three hundred and sixty-seven days was what to say. I knew what to say and what terms to use to appease the therapists even if it went against what I actually believed.

“It was eye-opening; I learned a lot about myself and about boundaries.”

She looked pleased with that answer as her pen bobbed up and down.

“What exactly did you learn about boundaries?”

I took a deep breath. Although the answer was already on my tongue, I knew they stressed the benefit of thinking before speaking. So for the sake of trying, I pretended to be deep in thought and self-reflect.

“I learned that wanting access to someone doesn’t mean that I’m entitled to it. That no response is actually a response and that if someone says they don’t want to be bothered, I’m supposed to respect it, instead of deciding that they don’t really mean it.”

She nodded and kept writing with a smile on her face. I beamed on the inside; that one was a good answer.

“You have any anxiety about leaving?”

“Of course.” I let out a small laugh. “I’ve been here for a year; I think I’d be more concerned if I weren’t a little nervous.”

After I answered, something outside the window caught my attention. Two women were walking a dog. They looked deep in conversation and laughing. They weren’t worried about having someone ask how they were feeling, doing any group sessions, or counting their pills. They were free, and the only thing that stood between me and that same freedom was this interview.

Mrs. Jennings turned to follow my gaze, then turned back to me with a sympathetic smile. It’s almost like she was reading my mind.

“I want to go over some of the things that most concerned me from the notes that Dr. Kroft wrote. I promise we don’t have to dive deep. But I would love to hear how you’ve progressed since then.” She started.

I nodded and waited.

“Do you understand the magnitude of what you did?” She asked softly and waited for me to answer.

I inhaled sharply.

“Yes.”

“What was it that you did?”

“I overreacted.”

She scoffed. “Leah, that’s a very watered-down way to put it, don’t you think?”