Page 68 of Matteo

I push the bar door open and walk into the crowded bar. The scent of fried food and alcohol wafts in the air, mixing with the sound of music and overlapping conversation.

It's loud, and crowded, slightly dim except for the neon lighting. I slowly make my way through groups of people, some standing huddled together, glasses clinking. Some perched around high-top tables and converted wooden barrels, hugging drinks and laughing at jokes I can’t hear over the music.

I scan the room and find them in the usual corner, away from the bustle of the bar, in the section reserved for people who want to eat. The tech team take up three long benches. Alex, Sonny and two of the programmers from the dev team sit around one table, with the rest of tech occupying the other two. I put my card behind the bar and tell the friendly bartender to start a tab. The tech team are regulars here.

Elizabeth is nowhere in sight.

Then I hear her laughter. Louder than usual. Throaty and deep, and I see her standing near the jukebox, with Joel beside her. Her head is thrown back, like she can’t contain herself, her face flushed. Happier than I’ve ever seen her. Joel whispers something in her ear, leaning too fucking close to her. She listens, a beer bottle in her hand. Then, he leans in closer and says something more. Her head lowers almost to her chest, as she doubles with laughter, and her hair falls forward. Something sharp stabs my gut. Jaw clenched, I move over to the tables, acknowledging everyone.

“What time do you call this?” Alex raises his glass.

“We were about to send a search party,” Sonny says. I congratulate Sonny, shake his hand, and tell him I’ve put my card behind the bar.

“Get a round for everyone. It’s on me.”

“Thanks, boss.”

“You took your sweet time,” Alex remarks.

I sit down beside him. “I had some work to finish.”

“What time do you call this, boss?” I feel a hand on my shoulder, and turn to see Joel behind me. Elizabeth stands by his side, and my gut hardens.

“You're sitting in Elizabeth's chair,” Joel says, before pulling an empty chair from another table. I press down on my molars, hating to hear this guy talk about her like she's with him. He needs to move the fuck away.

Elizabeth and I exchange looks.

I get up. “Didn't realize,” I mutter.

She shifts at the same time, stepping back to make space, like it doesn’t matter where she sits as long as she’s not in the way.

But my mind goes somewhere it shouldn’t.

Not to the chair itself but to me taking her hand instead, pulling her in, settling her down onto my lap so she stays right there, close enough that she can’t keep moving away from me so easily.

The thought lodges in my brain, impossible to shift. I clear my throat, hard, and force it out of my head.

“It’s okay, sit down,” she says, already moving to another empty chair nearby. Her smile is easy, softer now and more at ease, when inside I’m a tangled knot of want, need, and desire.

I don’t sit.

Instead I straighten fully and look at her too intently than I should, given that we’re surrounded by people. I fist my hands, trying to restrain myself before I say or do anything else I’ll regret.

I look away, like I can't bear to look at her. I’m tempted to ask her if she's had problems going to sleep after that evening at the wine bar, but Joel returns with an empty chair which he sets down next to Elizabeth.

I sit back down, next to Alex.

“The boss has offered to buy drinks for everyone,” Sonny announces, to a chorus of “Thanks” in my direction. The table empties as people go to get drinks, leaving just me, Elizabeth and the two programmers.

I don't have a drink yet and end up sitting around empty-handed. I’d be twiddling my thumbs if I thought nobody would notice.

Sonny returns with a beer. “Here’s your beer, boss.”

“Thank you.” I lift the bottle and tap it against his. “Congrats, again.”

The programmers talk among themselves. Elizabeth stares at her hands. I try not to look at her, but I can feel where she's sitting, a few spaces away from me and still I'm aware of every small movement she makes. Of when she tucks her hair behind her ear.

It’s painful.