Page 122 of Matteo

Zach and I have agreed to meet at the bar in the lobby of The Bluebell Manhattan for a drink.

He didn’t choose to come to my apartment or for me go to his, or to meet at work. He wanted neutral territory.

We’re not close, but things are easing up between us. After all, he came for help that time Maya smashed her boss’s laptop and needed someone to work a miracle. I fixed it before anyone noticed. Which is why I’ve been surprised that he hasn’t said a word to me about his decision not to donate.

He sits down and orders a gin martini.

“What’s going on?” I say, taking a sip of my beer, trying to look casual, even though I sense he wants to discuss the other, more serious topic. Something I’d prefer not to think about until I get back from vacation.

“We both matched for the kidney.” He doesn’t wait around. I’m sure it’s weighing on him the same way it is on me.

I clear my throat. “We did.”

“I figured Enzo would tell you.”

“He’s my brother. He felt it was something I needed to know.”

Zach looks uncomfortable. “I know. I know you’re brothers, and I figured he’d tell you before I had a chance to.”

It feels like neither of us wants to talk about this, but it’s as necessary as breathing. “I know you were annoyed when Jett dropped out,” he says, adjusting his tie.

“I wasn’t happy to find out the way I did.”

“I don’t blame you.” He looks at me, his expression serious, though I already know what he’s going to say. “I’m not going to offer the kidney to him.”

“Yeah. That’s what I figured.” Strangely, I’m calmer than I thought I’d be. Maybe because I’d seen this coming. Maybe, because, deep down, I understand why he’s making this choice. I even understand why he chickened out of telling me to my face.

A server places his martini on the table. Zach doesn’t touch it.

He clears his throat again, eyes level with mine. “But we’re brothers too.”

It’s unexpected, and deep, and it punches me right in my chest. He reaches for his martini, but doesn’t pick it up. Seems like he’s still struggling internally with something.

“I need to explain to you why I can’t–”

I cut in. “If I hadn’t matched, would you have done it?”

Zach is the golden son; not that the old man doted on him. He didn’t dote on any of us, but out of all of us, Zach cared for him the most and the old man gave him a kind of grace the rest of us never received.

He expels a loud sigh. “I just can’t. The guy was a predator. Is a predator. What he did to my mom,” Zach says. “What he did to Maya’s mom. I can’t reconcile myself with that.”

Silence falls as my thoughts fill with what happened in the server room that day, when the old man told me that I should just take whatever Elizabeth was offering me. I still get shivers just thinking about it.

Zach’s eyes might have been recently opened to just how despicable our father is, but for all that time before, Zach wanted to believe the best in him. I guess it’s not easy to turn cold on someone you once looked up to, even when they’ve given you every reason to.

“But to answer your question …” Zach says, “If you weren’t in the running and the old man had to find a match further afield, maybe I would. It’s better the kidney coming from a close family member, so if push came to shove, I’d offer, because I’m not like him. I have a heart.”

For a moment, neither of us speaks.

Around us there’s the sound of quiet conversation. Ice clinking against glasses. Deals being made.

I fold my arms, listening, because I can see it’s eating him up. This isn’t an easy decision for Zach. I have no doubt that he’s wrestling with it the same way I am, or maybe he seems to be struggling more, because he was more attached to the old man.

My way of dealing with it is to not think about it.

He undoes the top button of his shirt. “I wanted to meet with you alone to apologize for being a coward, for laying it all on you. Because it comes down to you, right?” His eyes burn into mine. “Because I’ve said no. But I also want you to know that you can walk away. The man we call our father is …” He seems to struggle for words. “He’s not a great guy,” he says, finally. “I know that now.”

I appreciate Zach meeting me in person, and I understand where he’s coming from. My relationship with the old man isn’t as grey as his. I’m good at compartmentalizing things, and blocking out what I don’t want to deal with. It’s why systems and computers are my forte. Those are things I understand, because they’re inanimate objects. No feelings involved.