Page 25 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

"You don't have to do anything. You watch. You have a drink, you watch and you leave whenever you want. Ricardo's a long-term guest of my membership, so he'll be there. I'll be there." She let it settle. "Mostly I think you need to stand in a room that takes the wanting seriously. That doesn't treat it as something to manage and apologize for."

That hit harder than it should have. "When?" I asked.

"Saturday. I always go on Saturday. No pressure. You wake up and if you can't, you text me and we get dinner instead. No consequences."

"I'd just be watching," I said.

"Just watching."

"And I can leave whenever I want."

"Whenever you want. My word."

I picked at a thread on my sleeve, already running the logistics, what I'd wear, where I'd park, whether I could have a glass of wine first, whether I could build a plausible reason to cancel by Friday night.

"Okay," I said. "Saturday."

Janice had the sense not to pump her fist.

She walked me to my car. At the door she stopped, squeezed my arm, and let her hand linger, her thumb pressing once against the soft inside of my elbow. "That woman who forgot to be afraid back there. She's who you are under all the armor. I've always known she was in there." Then she continued with her smile tilting. "Wear something dangerous, Saturday."

Then she brightened. “Oh, I almost forgot! Listen, Lacey, the Women in Medicine cruise is coming up and now you have no reason to say no. I really want you to come with me this year."

The cruise. I would love to, but Janice knew there was no way with my finances. "Janice, you know I can't afford that, not until next year at least," I said a little reproachfully.

Janice just grinned at me. "I knew you wanted to go!" She handed me an envelope. "And so I bought your ticket!"

I looked down, stunned. "Janice. That's—I can't accept this."

"Sure, you can! Anyways, it's not for you, it's for me. I've always wanted my BFF with me. Say you will, otherwise I just tossed all that money for nothing!" She paused. "Of course, you'll share a cabin with me, to save money, right?"

"I guess so," I said. "Is that how it usually works?"

Janice's smile widened. "Yeah. That's how it works."

Of course I agreed. I was so lucky to have Janice.

15 - A THIN FLAME

Lacey

I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom until my legs started to ache.

The little black dress hung on the hanger beside the mirror like an accusation. Silk and lace, fitted through the bust and waist, flaring to mid-thigh, the hem shorter than anything I had allowed myself in years. I remembered a classmate in med school holding up a similar dress in the dorm bathroom, laughing. A fuck-me dress. That's what the guys call these. I shoved the hanger aside.

No. Too much.

I pulled out the navy cotton midi skirt and paired it with a cream blouse buttoned nearly to the collar. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was someone's reliable colleague, not a woman walking into a sex club on a Saturday night, which was either exactly right or exactly wrong and I couldn't decide which.

Am I already on the menu just by showing up?

My hands shook as I smoothed the skirt over my hips. I stood there a full minute, half considering sweatpants, half composing the text that would get me out of tonight, I'm sick, I'm sorry, another time, and then I picked up the phone.

I don't want to do anything sexual there. I only want to sit and get used to it. Nothing more. Please promise me.

Janice's reply came back almost instantly.

Lacey!! Nobody will touch you, I promise on my life. These people are respectful as hell! Just come sit with me. If it gets weird, we bounce. Pinky swear, bestie.