Page 2 of Feel Me

“Why do I sense a but there?” she laughs.

“I was only going to say that I think the main reason he’s staying here is because Debra will be coming over too.”

“Oh my God! Cross has the hots for Deb? This is awesome!”

“I must admit, they’re really cute together. Deb is guarded, but she’s allowing him in little by little. I’m kind of the buffer between them.”

“I’m so happy for her—for both of them,” Winnie whispers, her voice filled with awe.

“Me too. It’s really nice to watch them,” I admit.

“You know, Deb’s past is pretty bad too. If she can move past it all, maybe you should take this as a sign⁠—”

“Winnie, stop,” I order, before she can go on. Deb was originally from Dallas, Texas. One night, after she got off work, she was mugged and two masked men pulled her into a dark alley. They robbed her, then proceeded to rape and beat her. They left her lying in her own blood and the filth of that forgotten alley. She almost died and would have if a homeless person hadn’t found her and had someone call the police. She’s had a long road back, but she’s getting there. Deb is a distant cousin to Lisa, and when Lisa’s mom told her what happened, she asked her husband to make a place for her here at the ranch.

Just like they did for me.

Actually, a lot of us have pasts that nearly killed us. I don’t know why Carson and his brothers opened this ranch, but I’m grateful. I have a good support system—thanks to Blade and Bear’s club brothers—but I’m not sure I would be doing as well as I am if I didn’t feel so safe here.

“I’m just saying, maybe you should think about going out on a date. It can be a group date, that way you aren’t alone,” she suggests, and I close my eyes.

“Winnie, I love you. You know yourself that what Deb went through for one night is way different from what I endured.”

“Livy…” she whispers, her voice broken, and I hate it. Of all the emotions I despise from others—it’s pity. I don’t want to be pitied.

“It’s not even about dating, Winnie. I just don’t want a relationship. There’s only one spot in my heart and the man inside it will never leave.”

She goes quiet for a minute. “Sweetheart, he’s gone. You’re alive. He’d want you to be happy. I didn’t know Bear, but from everything you and Blade have told me, that’s all Bear ever wanted for you.”

“It was. He wanted it so much that he tried to give me to his brother, and that nearly destroyed all of us. Things are as they should be now. I’m happy. I’m healing. That’s more than I ever expected. Please don’t cheapen that by telling me I need to start dating. I held the man I love in my arms as he died. He gave his life for me. That kind of love is more than most people ever get. I’m okay. Stop worrying.”

“Okay,” she says, although I can hear that she doesn’t really agree.

“Good. Now, I have to get. I just heard the bell over the door chime. I need to get back out front.”

“Talk to you soon, Livy.”

“Talk to you soon,” I agree and hang up.

With a sigh, I lay my cell on the table in the storage room I’m organizing and cleaning, and sigh as I walk toward the front. I’m thankful for the distraction. I know Winnie means well, but I don’t want to hear it. Life is good for me now. I don’t need anything else. As for a man, I’ve learned my lesson. If I can’t have Bear next to me, I don’t need anyone. Some may think I’m crazy, yet I know that if the roles were reversed, Bear would be the same.

Immediately, my mind travels back to one of the nights that haunt my dreams every night.

(Flashback)

“We have to find some way to get out of here,” I whisper, trying to clean more of Bear’s wounds.

By all rights, he should be dead. Douglas and his asshole club spend their time beating and torturing Bear until he’s on the brink of death. Then, they’ll have the club’s creepy-says-he’s-a-doctor-monster patch him up and shoot him full of steroids and antibiotics, all just to keep him around for a little longer. I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been in here.

“My brothers will find us,” Bear says quietly. His rough fingers are sifting through my hair. We’re in a small-like kennel, lying in the middle on the floor, because if you touch the wire, you get zapped with electricity. The floor is cold, barren cement, but we’ve been here so long that it no longer bothers me. Heck, I don’t even notice it.

I smile at Bear’s words. He always says that. His belief in his club is absolute. Mine? Not so much. After all, Ranger was one of his club brothers, and Ranger is the one who handed him over to my brother.

“Rest. My brother will be here soon to drag me out to clean the club,” I tell him, my heart squeezing in my chest as I lie to him. I don’t tell Bear what really happens to me. How Douglas lets Lucky rape me in front of everyone. How Lucky takes pleasure in that or the other vile things he lets the others do to me. I keep all that hidden from Bear. He may secretly suspect, but he lets me have my lie either way, so I cling to it.

“One day, my club and I will kill them all and lay them at your feet, Livy.”

“I love you, Bear,” I whisper, unable to find anything else to say. I want Bear to hold on to hope as long as he can. One of us should at least. I’ve given up—and have for a while.