Page 70 of Carnal Risk

“You’re safe with me. You can tell me. You’re one of the strongest women I know.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just determined. I’m good at some things, but you’ve seen me. I’m not like your friends. I’m afraid.” Selby’s eyes teared as she spoke. The childhood trauma never left her mind. It had mutated, coexisting with her reality as an adult.

“We all have fears, Selby. But that doesn’t mean you’re any less strong than anyone else. The pain that cracks us open, the kind that tears your soul apart; it’s sewn back together by friends and family supporting you. Time can be like a steel suture holding the wound together. Maybe it never goes away. But we survive. I see the fire in you. I love that about you.”

Selby’s chest constricted at the word ‘love’ on his lips. It was as if he could see inside her, discovering her innermost secrets.

“This thing between us…there is no one else for me. I will always be here for you. You’re safe,” he assured her.

His lips brushed the back of her hair, the warmth of his breath teased her skin. Safe. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Selby couldn’t look at him, as she let the memory spill from her lips.

“I was playing with friends. My mom, she was home but I don’t remember what she was doing. We lived near the woods. I was with a group, but somehow, there was this boy…no, he was a teenager. But I didn’t know him…they told me later that he was from the neighborhood. My memory is blurry in spots.”

“You were only seven.”

“We were playing in the trees. Somehow I got separated. He took my hand and led me further into the brush. I didn’t know where everyone was. I was alone. Why do you think that happened?” she asked thoughtfully. “I still feel like I should have known better.”

“Selby, I don’t know who blamed you but whoever it was…was it a relative? Look, it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t your fault. There were plenty of times I was out by myself as a kid. Hell, I could have killed myself with some of the dumbass things I did. That’s what kids do. And when adults aren’t around…you know…it can be like Lord of the Flies. This world. There’s predators everywhere. They don’t all look evil either, so this boy, he may have seemed like a friend.”

“He wasn’t mean. He just…he, um, he tried to…you know. I knew there was something wrong. Just that feeling you know it’s wrong. He pushed me down. He was on top of me.”

“Did he…?”

“No, he didn’t rape me. I think he wanted to. It happened so fast. He crushed me to the ground and then I fought. I fought and ran. But he chased me. He was so fast, so much faster than me. He shoved me down again. And we were near this creek. The mud and broken glass was everywhere. I don’t know how it got there. I guess maybe the bottles had been there from teenagers who’d been partying. I’m not sure. I didn’t see them until I went down. The blood was everywhere. I was screaming. He ran away but other kids heard me. They got their parents.”

“Selby…” Garrett wrapped his arm around her protectively.

“But it was at the hospital…I couldn’t get it out of my head. I know they were trying to help me but it was traumatic for me. You know, I was young. They had to hold me down. I couldn’t move. I think that was the first time I had an anxiety attack, and then in college it started again. But then in my twenties, I thought I had it under control. I guess you can’t really control it when it’s happening, but you know, I meditate and exercise. Sometimes it just goes away, they say. I don’t know. I’d been doing well…until last week.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. I was just so upset about not telling you, and when I saw that thumb drive and you told me about what was on it…it was too much. You have no idea. I couldn’t believe it.”

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about what you just told me. Have you ever told anyone?”

“No. My mom knew. The entire neighborhood found out. The kid went to juvie or whatever. I had to go through the whole police thing. I can remember them taking me into the courtroom…you know, to prepare me for the trial. But they must have done a plea deal. Anyway, it’s embarrassing. I don’t want people to know.”

“You survived.”

“Maybe, but still…you’re the only one who I’ve told as an adult. Even Lars doesn’t know.”

“I won’t tell him.”

“There’s something about you, Garrett.” Selby paused, noting that after all the years of hiding, concealing the dirtiness that plagued her soul, the humiliation had been eased. Perhaps not erased, but lessened. Garrett’s acceptance and acknowledgement soothed her. Intellectually, she’d known that she’d been a child, hadn’t been the cause of her ordeal, yet the validation had been a refreshing gift. Selby took a deep breath and released it. She took his hand, holding it to her chest. “You’re special to me.”

“Baby, there’s something special about you too. You have no idea. I never thought I’d find someone. Hell, I wasn’t looking.” Garrett laughed and kissed her hair. “This thing that’s going on with the data, the killer. Dean and I are going to fix this.”

“Someone on the inside…” Selby’s words trailed off as exhaustion claimed her. She yawned. “Someone knows.”

“Yes.” Garrett went quiet, in thought. He hugged her tightly. “I won’t let anything happen to you again.”

As she drifted in and out of sleep, Selby floated in paradise, her passion for Garrett fresh in her mind. She dreamed of a future with him and smiled. In the sanctuary of her imagination, she was free to express her private, inner thoughts.

“I love you,” she whispered, her true feelings exposed.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Garrett celebrated Selby’s drowsy words, aware she hadn’t meant to say them. I love you. It should have terrified him, he knew. Instead, a rush of adrenaline surged through him, and he celebrated the disclosure. When he’d thought she’d betrayed him, he’d been crushed, wondering how he could have been so wrong. After he’d verified her story, he’d felt like shit for suspecting that she could have deceived him. While it was true that she hadn’t told him about Evan, she’d been correct; he wouldn’t have believed her story so soon after his death.