Page 88 of Raging Fires

“I don’t know, Kelli. Just someplace that isn’t here.”

***

Kelli stood frozen as Jake walked out the door. Tears bubbled up inside her, threatening to consume her. She wanted to cry out and run after him, tell him that her words had come out wrong. She didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Did she?

Kelli sank down onto the couch, arms wrapped around her tight, as the tears poured out of her. Why had she let herself fall in love with Jake again? Why had she given in to her stupid feelings? Why had she let herself be swept along on the tide of Jake’s charm and laughter, pulled in by his kisses and hungry for his touch?

The past couple of months of happiness hadn’t been worth this pain that ate away at her now. She’d watched the warmth and love get sucked right out of Jake’s face as he realized what a mistake they’d made. They had said they could live with the consequences of their actions, that they were prepared for their love to fail again. But they’d been lying to themselves. Even at the time, Kelli had known it. She just hadn’t known how horribly painful it would be.

This time there was no place to run to, no home to take her in. She was in her home, and there was no escaping the hurt. She had to live with it. Because Jake was right. The whole thing was pointless. She hadn’t intended for her words to come out the way they had. She’d only meant that she wanted him to change some of his behavior.

But maybe what she’d said had been what she meant, no matter what she’d intended. She still loved Jake, maybe even more than she had before. She suspected that she would always love him. But maybe love wasn’t enough.

Jake’s leaving had ripped apart the last remaining piece of her heart, but he had already broken it this afternoon when he hadn’t kept his promise. Jake was loving; he could be as sweet as anyone could ask for. And it didn’t bother her that he liked to tease or that he had trouble expressing how he felt or even that he could talk her into doing things she didn’t want to do. He was in so many ways so perfect.

But his love couldn’t be depended on. It could easily be pushed aside for something else. His love wasn’t the kind that put her first, that valued her above all else. Maybe that was selfish, but that was what she wanted. She wanted Jake to love her the same way she loved him. If there had been something that important to Jake, something that he was scared of, that he needed her support for, she’d have been there. She’d have been there early and focused.

Jake had disregarded her feelings. He’d behaved as if her wanting him to be with her when her mother arrived was something minor. It was, after all, just ‘one little time’ to him. And the situation wouldn’t have been a big deal for him. But she’d hoped he could put himself in her shoes.

Instead he’d just looked at it as Jake. He didn’t know what it was like to have nobody to depend on nearly your entire life; he hadn’t been small and lost and lonely; he hadn’t had to be the adult when he wasn’t even in his teens. It wasn’t surprising that it seemed minor to Jake. His family had always loved him with everything they had. His dad hadn’t been the best, but Jake’d had his mom and Pops and Gran to pick up the slack. Kelli hadn’t had that until his family had taken her in years later.

What made it hurt so much was that she’d told him—she’d expressed just how important this was to her, yet when something else he wanted to do came up, Jake treated this like it was something minor.

After Kelli ran out of tears, she simply sat on the couch for a long time, doing her best not to think about anything. She should get up and go check on her mother, make sure she ate something tonight and didn’t go out drinking again. But Kelli couldn’t summon up the energy. So she sat and wondered where Jake was and whether he would come back tonight. Or ever.

She must have fallen asleep because the sound of a car door slamming in front of the house woke her up. Kelli sat up. It was dark. She reached up to turn on the lamp and squinted at her cell phone. 9:30. She was surprised she’d slept through the sounds of earlier customers arriving at the Blue.

Outside she heard Toby leap off the porch, letting out a joyful yip. Jake must have come home. Kelli’s stomach knotted. She stood up, pushing back her hair. She must look like hell after that bout of tears. She started to flee to her room, but before she could, the door opened and Jake stepped in.

His face was remote and calm, with none of his earlier emotion. “Kelli.”

“Jake.” His name came out hoarsely, and she cleared her throat. What was he going to say? She felt like she might be sick.

He closed the door and tossed his keys down on the kitchen bar. “I went to see your mother.”

“You did?” Kelli’s voice slid up in surprise. “Well… um, thank you.”

“I figured it was a more constructive thing to do than anything else I could think of. I took her down to the hotel restaurant for dinner.” His voice was cool and crisp, not at all like Jake. He looked at her like she was a complete stranger.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I dropped the ball this afternoon, so I took care of it. I booked her on a flight back tomorrow morning.”

“Oh… you didn’t yell at her or anything, did you?”

“No. We just talked. Marie knows she needs to get back on the program and stay on it longer before she’s ready for a reunion. She and I understand each other. Like you said, we have some similarities,” His cool tone dipped slightly into bitterness.

“Jake... I’m—”

“Forget it, Kelli. It’s done. No point in rehashing it.”

“Okay.” It made her chest ache to hear his clipped, steely tone, to see his familiar face with none of its warmth or life. Jake was never controlled and distant like this. He was always angry or unhappy or filled with fun, never emotionless. “I, uh… I should go stay with her tonight and put her on the plane tomorrow.”

“No need,” Jake responded. “I was going to ask Gran to do that.”

“There’s no reason to bother Gran. I’ll do it. She’s my mother.”

“Whatever you want.” He shrugged and started moving toward his room.