Page 61 of Down and Dirty

“That’s just peachy.”

“’Twas a jest, lackwit. My sword is named Wound Maker.”

“Oh, that’s better. If I had a sword, I would name it Whoop-Ass.”

“Must you always be so vulgar?”

“Listenin’ to you two is more fun than sex,” Danny observed. “Almost. And to think I was feelin’ sorry for you, all alone here, celibate, practically a prisoner. What a laugh!”

“We’re almost there,” Zach said. Thank God!

Glancing over at Britta, he did a double take. Her mouth was parted, her eyes wide, and she let loose with a long sigh. It was the kind of glazed expression a guy fantasized about seeing on a woman’s face the first time he dropped his drawers. But that was not the case here.

“’Tis the most beautiful castle I have ever seen.” She was staring at the gaudy pink Cinderella castle in the distance. “What kingdom is this?”

He grinned. “The Magic Kingdom, baby.”

Her belief, reiterated over and over in the next fifteen minutes, that they must have entered a totally new and enchanted land was reinforced when he read the entrance sign to her:

HERE YOU LEAVE TODAY

AND ENTER THE WORLD

OF YESTERDAY, TOMORROW,

AND FANTASY

Splash this!…

The first clue Britta had that a Splash Mountain adventure was perchance not a good idea was when they made her sit down in a hollowed-out log that immediately wet her bottom.

She had been shamed into going on the ride, not by Zachary but by his son, the taunting little devil. People scared themselves nigh to death for entertainment in this country, as she’d soon learned on entering this Magic Kingdom. The more they screamed, the greater the fun, apparently. Rolling coast rides that turned a body upside down and inside out. Animals walking about hither and yon, though they were not really animals but people dressed as animals, which was even stranger. And the animals had names, too. Mickey the Mouse. Donald the Duck. Goofy Dog.

In the midst of all this confusion, the little boyling, aptly dubbed Sammy the Snot, whom she had mistakenly considered angelic in the past, had been jeering at her, “Scaredy cat! Scaredy cat!”

How could a Viking not react to such a challenge?

The log was big and long, situated in a trough of low water. It held six bench seats, one behind the other, for a single person each. Danny sat down in front, followed by Sammy, two rowdy boylings of about ten winters, her, and finally Zachary.

Zachary had explained earlier that this ride would show the adventures of a mischievous animal called Brrrr Rabbit as he left his home in the briar patch to search for the laughing place. That sounded barmy but harmless, she had thought. But, wait a minute. “Why are they strapping us in?” she turned and asked Zachary.

“So we don’t fall out.”

“How could we… oh, do not tell me they intend to turn us upside down?”

“Nope. But they are gonna drop us off a mountain that’s, oh, let’s say, five stories high.” He flashed her one of his rascal grins.

“Whaaaat?” she shrieked, but the log had already started moving, and she was busy staring straight ahead, holding on, white-fisted, to the bar in front of her.

Almost immediately, music starting blasting out of the scenery that they passed, weird songs about “Zip-it-he-do-dah,” all sung by animal creatures. She soon got the flow of a saga being told about Brrrr Rabbit and Brrrr Fox and Brrrr Bear and a briar patch. There was even a “laughing place,” and those in the log were told that everyone had a laughing place. Hah! If anyone dared try to find a laughing place on her, they would be minus a hand, she vowed silently. Mayhap it was the same as the funny bone Zachary had said she hit on him in his showering stall yestereve.

Nothing frightening was happening yet… just peculiar creatures singing barmy songs about it being a small world, and, of course the zip-it-he-do-dah. And some mild dips of the log, accompanied by mists of water. And the clackety-clack of the log rolling along the track.

Zachary, taking advantage of the lull, leaned forward, lifted her braid, and kissed the back of her neck.

“Do not distract me,” she grumbled. “I must concentrate on what is ahead.”

“Too bad I didn’t have you sit on my lap.” He was licking her ear now.