Page 94 of A Sweet Destruction

I’m not doing shit. You’re just finally—

And now it was my turn to slap my hand over a mouth, figuratively speaking. The Bond happily sauntered off into the back of my mind.

“Sweetheart,” Ford said, the word barely more than a whispery laugh. Then, only a little louder, “I’m prepared to wait. I’ve been waiting a long time. You tell me when you’re sure. And really think about it, because once you start this, I think you’ll find me to be much more exasperating than you already know me to be.”

I didn’t know how he could be much more of anything. The issue had always been that he had invaded every corner of my world, then paused—albeit unknowingly—right before I could reach out and invite him in.

“Okay,” I said, because the truth was that I didn’t think I could give him the answer I wanted. “I’m still a little scared, I think.”

Ford’s thumb stroked over my cheek. “Of me?”

I shook my head, and the soft scrape of his skin against my sending a pleasant buzzing through my entire body. “No, not of you. Of…well, I guess a little of you. Of this.”

The version of myself from a year ago—hell, even a month ago—would freak out if I told her I was having this conversation, revealing this much. Keeping everything a secret and repressed didn’t work. I was a logical person, it only made sense to try a different path. If honesty burned me as badly as omission had, then that would be another story.

But I had to try to know. “I need a little more time to convince myself that this is real. I don’t blame you, I really don’t, but I was really hurt for a lot of years. I still am. I think I still believe that you don’t want me. Or rather, that what made you not want me in the beginning is still there, and the Bond is just overriding your true feelings.”

Ford pulled away and I caught a sound of protest at the last second. His hands still cradled my face, and the contact was enough to appease the restless feeling in my chest.

His eyes were lazily shifting over my face in a way that made him look almost serene.

After a moment, he reached up and smoothed a hand down my hair.

“I hate that we weren’t speaking for so long. I hate that I didn’t fight harder to try and understand why the Bond never woke up, then maybe I would have figured out that it had for you.” With him holding me, the embarrassment I’d grown so used to feeling when I thought about his initial rejection didn’t rise. “What I do know is that you scared the shit out of me when we first met.”

A shaky, nearly watery laugh fell from my throat. With lingering desire still pumping through my blood, the swell of emotion that was following it was making me feel…something. Something new, something that felt a little panicky and a little precious.

Most of all, it made me want to suction myself to Ford and see if it would be possible to climb inside his skin.

“You looked so young and you were smiling at me and I was terrified that we were tied together forever. That something would happen to you and I couldn’t help my sister anymore—that was my entire purpose back then. That something would happen to me and you’d follow me like everyone warned.”

The connection between us went taut at the mention of either of us being harmed and it took several collection breaths for either of us to come back down to earth. At one point, I was pretty sure Ford kissed me again, just a light brush of lips, but the fog of terror was too thick to know for sure.

When it cleared, Ford continued, this time his voice a little hoarser. “Did the Bond feel new to you at the beginning?”

I had to think back, nearly a decade ago. “Yes. It did. I thought I was going crazy for a while, with some faceless entity talking in my head and threatening to take over my body.”

Ford smiled, that same slightly crooked smile that had always made my chest clench a little. With the Bond back, it was more forceful, edged with its rage at what cause the slant. “The voice in my head is new. The rest of it doesn’t feel that new, though. It was probably there all along, but too quiet for me to hear it. I really, really wish I had.”

“No, no, no,” I sputtered out, brushing my hands down Ford’s chest. “It’s—”

“It’s not okay,” Ford interrupted. “I can acknowledge that it’s not okay. I would have gone ballistic if I was in your shoes. Especially that young, I probably would have not been delicate about it either.”

How I was laughing so much in a conversation like this, especially with everything else weighing down on us, I didn’t know.

“All I can ask is that you tell me now, if anything comes up,” Ford said. “I can’t go back and pull my head out of my ass, but I can make damn sure I’m seeing things clearly now.”

That was the truth of it. I needed to let go of the anger of the past. Eight years was a long time to let go of, but…

“I want to stop being angry. At you, at our situation. At myself, for being so obsessed with you and feeling so much shame about it.”

A sound, somewhere between a laugh and a groan, rumbled out of Ford’s chest. “I can get behind all of that, except for the obsession part. That doesn’t seem too bad.”

“That version of it was. I was doing some pretty insane things.”

“Like what?” Ford asked, his eyes lighting with a smile.

“Well…” I fiddled with a loose thread on the collar of Ford’s shirt. “For one, there was never a problem with my pillows.”