Page 97 of Lock ’N’ Load

Unable to meet the intensity of Nick’s gaze, she let her head drop, knowing with all her heart that she would always be in love with Matt. For her, there would only be one man.

“That’s what I thought.” He tipped her chin up with one long finger and grinned. “I’m about to betray a major confidence. Matt would kick my ass if he knew I was here, let alone what I’m about to say, but he’s my best friend, and I love him like a brother.” His visage turned serious. “Matt is…complicated. We’ve all got pasts, and they aren’t pretty. But his is about as bad as it gets. He’s been in pain most of his life. He told me you know about Jerry.” She nodded. “Since it happened, life hasn’t been easy for him, but he’s finally getting help. Professional help. We’ve all been trying for years to talk him into it, but he wouldn’t go. You’re the reason he’s finally going.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Hurt coursed through her that he hadn’t let her know about something so huge in his life.

“Pride. He needed to do this on his own.”

“I see.” The lump in her throat got bigger. “I’m happy he’s getting help, really I am. But I don’t understand what this has to do with me.”

“He wants to heal himself or die trying, and he’s doing it for you. He told me how you called him out on it and left him that day. He wanted to go after you then but couldn’t. Kade said it about killed him to leave you at the hospital, but he knew it was pointless.” His tone softened. “He needed to be able to wake up in the morning and not be consumed by guilt over Jerry’s death.”

“Is he at that point now?” Hesitant joy raced through her, but by her estimation, he couldn’t have been seeing a psychiatrist for that long. Opening herself up to him might be setting herself up for a big fall.

What if Nick’s wrong? What if he doesn’t really love me?

“I’m not wrong about this,” he said, as if reading her mind. “He’s really trying, and he’s made great strides in a very short period of time. All he needed was the right motivation. Love.” Nick’s broad smile would make any woman’s heart beat madly, yet she’d take Matt’s scowl anytime. “But it beats the shit out of him. I see it every time he gets back from a session with the shrink. Now something big is coming down the pipe, and I’m afraid it might set back his progress.” He paused. “The banquet.”

“Jerry’s banquet,” she breathed, tugging one of her hands from his to cover her mouth. Torment didn’t begin to describe the look on Matt’s face when he’d mentioned the annual banquet honoring his friend.

“Yeah. That.” Nick frowned. “He’s going, but deep down, he’s scared shitless. He says it’s part of the healing process and he has to do it. You can help him get through it.”

“How?” she asked, realizing at that moment that she’d do anything for Matt. Now it was her turn to feel guilty, and tears trickled down her cheeks. Not for the first time, she wondered if she should have stayed with him. But if she had, he might not have pushed himself to seek the help he needed. “I’ll do anything.”

“I was counting on that.” He pulled out his cell phone, sent a quick text, then got up and opened the front door. A few seconds later, Matt’s sister, Joyelle, and his father walked into the house.

Joyelle carried two shopping bags from Nordstrom while Matt’s father hauled in a small suitcase and a garment bag slung over his shoulder. Both of them were smiling, and Trista gasped as Joyelle set the bags onto the floor and drew her into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” Joyelle said. “You have no idea how excited we are that Matt’s coming to the banquet this year.”

Matt’s father pressed his lips together and looked at her through watery eyes. “Thank you,” he said on a shaky breath, clearly overcome by emotion as he joined the group hug. “Thank you for bringing me back my son.”

“I don’t understand.” She pulled away, uncertain as to what was going on. “I haven’t done anything yet.”

“But you will, pixie girl.” Nick laughed. “You will.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

Matt left Dr. Lawrence’s office and closed the door behind him. He took a deep breath, feeling both relieved that he’d survived another session yet looking forward to the next one. The first had been the most difficult, and he’d left feeling as if he’d been mashed into the pavement by a tank that had backed up and hit him again. But with each successive appointment, he’d been getting better, feeling more hopeful for the future than he’d been since Jerry died.

As he walked the short distance to his truck, he shoved his hand into his pocket, fingering the silver charm bracelet. It had given him strength to walk in the psychiatrist’s door that first day, and he’d carried it with him ever since. Seeing a shrink was something he had to do for himself, but he always kept his eye on the prize. Trista.

Damn, but he missed her. He missed her smile, her soft charm and gentle touch. He missed her humor, her wit, and he’d loved watching her bloom into the beautiful woman he always knew she was. He’d loved helping her to see how beautiful she was. Hell, he missed every goddamn thing about her, and he couldn’t wait to win her back. Soon, he kept telling himself. But he needed to be ready. He had to be further along dealing with the shit in his head or he’d only fuck things up again.

He opened the door to his truck and got in. There’d been a hundred times over the past month that he’d nearly broken down and called her. He knew she was staying with Bonnie and Kevin. His friends had all met with her for coffee and lunch a couple of times, and he’d been jealous as hell knowing they were making time with his woman.

My woman. At least, that’s what he wanted her to be. When the time is right.

At first, he worried that another man would come along and steal her away before Matt was ready to see her again. Then he’d laughed at his stupidity. If another man tried to take her from him, he’d just have to beat the shit out of him.

He slid the bracelet from his pocket, holding it up and watching sunlight glint on the additional charm he’d added. Then he glanced at the digital dashboard clock. Six o’clock. Just enough time to get home and change for the banquet. Fuck, he didn’t want to go. Just the thought of facing Jerry’s family had him breaking out into a cold sweat. But he had to. It was part of his healing process. He’d known that even before Dr. Lawrence had urged him to attend.

As he pulled onto the road, his cell phone rang. Max Fenway. He frowned. Although he’d made a point of attending funeral services for both the agents who’d died to protect Trista, he’d never quite forgiven the FBI for allowing her to be kidnapped right from under their noses. He’d also heard that their deaths lay heavily on Fenway’s shoulders and knew personally how difficult that would be for the man to live with. Because of that, he took the call.

“Fenway. What can I do for you?”

“I have interesting news about Lukashin’s hearing yesterday.”

“Go on.” He stopped at a red light just before turning onto the highway. Fenway had his full attention now.

“As you know, both our agencies were royally pissed that you arrested him before the senator got the chance to have his meeting. The opportunity to record a top spy admitting the Russian president was behind a scheme to blackmail a U.S. presidential candidate doesn’t come around every day.”