Page 114 of Wild Abandon

“I did you wrong, Nate. And I apologize.” Ed’s eyes fall slightly, as if they are emotional.

I reach out for the cedar, needing something to feel, to ground me, so I know I’m not imagining things. “Ed, you have done nothing but give me a home, and I destroyed that.”

“No,” he says forcefully, getting my attention, “it’s not your fault.”

It’s not my fault? Everything is my fault. My father leaving, my mother kicking me out, even the douche stealing my money because I was a dumb teenager who hid his cash in a tube sock.

“It’s not your fault.”

How could it not be my fault? I left Ellie alone when she’d continuously begged me not to. The doctors said she would have had a chance for a normal life if we had found her sooner. If someone had been with her—

“It’s not your fault.”

I cheated on Ellie with another woman. Led her into being my friend, held her like she was my own, and made a false promise of a forever I couldn’t give.

“Son”—the word I haven’t heard in so long punches me smack in the face, and the pain flows right to my heart—“it’s not your fault.”

I take the deepest breath known to man and look down at the man below me. I’ve always been a foot taller than him, yet he’s always made me feel like he’s ten feet tall. No matter our height difference, I’ve always looked up to him. He is my father.

And, like a child, I weep.

My body falls onto the wood and collapses before Ed. My hand on my eyes, my forehead pressed up against the cool countertop, I let out four years of frustration and sadness. Hell, I’m letting out thirty-two years of pain. My back hitches with the erratic breaths. I can’t believe I am actually crying. For the first time in my life, I’m bawling like a goddamn baby.

There is a weight on my back, and I realize that Ed is rubbing it. Like a father would a child, the man is soothing me, and it makes me want to curl up into him, so I can thank him for the life he gave me and atone for all my sins.

I lift my head and look up at him. Ed’s eyes are softer. I’ve only seen them this way when he looked at Rosemary and Ellie. And, now, me. His son.

I stand up straight and wipe my eyes down forcefully, regaining my composure. Shaking my head, I get rid of the emotions. Taking a quivering long breath, I pat down my chest and shake my head at Ed. The moment is too much. I don’t know how to process it all.

Ed gives me a stern look, his hands flat on the bar, his body leaning in. “You listen to me, Nathaniel, because I should have said this a long time ago. What happened to Ellie was a tragedy. But it was her tragedy. There wasn’t anything you or I could have done to stop it. It was what God intended.” His voice breaks at the end of the sentence, but he keeps on going, “This isn’t what she would have wanted. We should have let her go then, but I wasn’t ready. Now, she’s paying. Now, you’re paying. And all for this old man to say he still has a daughter.”

My chest feels like it’s about to explode. I rub the spot where the roses are burned into my skin.

Ed continues, “You and me, we’re family. We’re all we have left. You…” He pauses for a moment and slowly tilts his head from side to side, as if keeping his emotions in check. “You’re a son to me. Ellie being here or not doesn’t change that.”

Four years ago, Ed Martin punched me in the jaw. Told me I was a killer and never spoke to me the same again. He shut down his ranch and isolated himself from everyone, especially me. Part of me always knew I took this job in Napa to be closer to him. Keep an eye on him. Maybe even reconnect. Now, here he is, and it feels like a mirage.

“Why now?” I look over at him, my eyes moistening. “After all these years, why are you forgiving me?”

“Because it took until now for me to wake up and realize what an ass I’ve been. That girl breathed new life into the two of us. And if you don’t go on and get her back, then you might as well dig yourself an early grave now because this is no way to live. I’m an old man, Nate. I’ve loved the same woman for forty. I’ve raised a child, and I’ve had more good days than bad. But you? You’re still young. You shouldn’t live like me. You shouldn’t live like a man who has nothing left to wake up for. You’ve wasted too many years living in purgatory. It’s time to take your own piece of heaven.”

My mind is reeling from the conversation.

I want to go to Crystal. I’ve fought so hard to stay away from her. And, now, Ed is here, giving me my free pass. It all seems too surreal.

“Heaven.” I laugh at the word. “How can I have that when Ellie is living in hell?”

“You’ve taken good care of my little girl. Gone far above what most young men your age would have done. You never gave up, Nate. You never let her down. I don’t expect you to desert her. But it’s goddamn time you found your own happiness, and you’re not gonna find it next to a hospital bed overlooking the bay. Life’s too short. Don’t waste it being alone.”

“You only get to live life once. Why waste it with the wrong person?” Crystal’s voice sings in my head.

I look over to the spot where she sat, and I find a moment of peace from just recalling her image.

I have been a shell of a man for so long. I don’t know if I’ll be any good at loving someone again. My past is in stone, and whenever I think of my future, it’s black.

Except for right now.

I see us sitting in a porch swing, drinking beer and wine. I see Crystal on a vineyard, a child in her arms, another in her belly. I see us walking in a garden, a rosebud behind her ear. I see us old and gray, holding hands. I see me kissing her. Again. Forever.