Page 73 of Secrets of a Kilted Seduction

“Aye, I was a coward, I admit. And I wish I’d had the guts tae tell ye the truth, believe me,” he said sadly, sitting with his hands loosely clasped between his knees, looking at the rug. “There were a thousand times when I almost told ye, but I feared how ye’d react. I was afraid ye’d send me away, and I couldnae bear the thought of losing’ ye altogether. I told mesel’ I could live with ye hatin’ me as long as I could be with ye and keep ye safe.”

He sat up and turned his body, so he was facing her. He looked deeply into her eyes with a beseeching expression. “Alana, I love ye. I want tae be with ye always. Those years away from ye, nae kennin’ how ye were or bein’ able even tae write tae ye, they were torture. I never stopped lovin’ ye the whole time I was away.

“Then, when I heard about Murphy Lennox dyin’, it seemed like a blessin’ from heaven. I rushed back tae the castle, hopin’ ye’d still feel the same about me. I was devastated but nae surprised when ye didnae want me. I’m so sorry fer all the pain I’ve caused ye, truly sorry. But now that ye ken what happened, can ye try tae understand why I lied and kept things from ye? Can ye find it in yer heart tae forgive me?”

Seized by a fresh storm of emotion, Alana stood up and paced before him, twisting her hands together in agitation, gathering strength for what she knew she must do. “I’ve listened tae all ye’ve had tae tell me, as I promised I would. I understand why ye thought ye were protectin’ me from Laird Lennox when he threatened tae kill me. I kent that monster, and I dinnae doubt he would have carried out his threat if ye hadnae left.”

“So, ye’ll forgive me then?” he asked, hope in his eyes.

“I didnae say that,” she told him, watching the hope die. “I said I understand why ye did it, and part of me wants tae forgive ye. But ye should have trusted me above him back then. Ye should have told me the truth. We could have run away together, somewhere where he could nae touch us.”

“Of course, I should have! That was the first thing I thought about. I wracked me brains tae think of a way out of it. But I feared that if we ran, the laird would have taken his anger out on yer maither and me braither. I couldnae risk it. I had nae choice but tae leave. And honestly, if I had tae make the same decision again, I would.”

She ceased pacing and turned to look at him. He was a picture of misery, and it took everything in her not to throw herself into his arms and tell him she forgave him. But if she did that, how could she be sure he would not hurt her again? Ye cannae be sure.

“The thing is, Tadhg, much as ’tis tearin’ me apart tae say this, I want ye tae leave. Fer good, this time,” she told him, determined to be strong.

He sprang up from the bed and came towards her. “What?! But why? Ye ken it wasnae me choice tae leave ye or tae lie tae ye. I thought ye understood that.”

She held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer, unable to trust herself not to give in. He halted at once. “Aye, I understand,” she felt a traitorous tear slipping, “but even so, this time, I cannae forgive ye. Nae ever, and that’s final. Please, I want ye tae go.”

A groan burst from his lips. “Ye cannae mean it, Alana.”

“Ye’ve left me nae choice. It daesnae matter that ye’ve finally told me the truth, nor that Laird Lennox’s cruel machinations were tae blame fer ye abandonin’ me.”

“I didnae abandon ye!”

“Let me finish.”

“All right, I’m sorry.”

“Thank ye. Fer years now, ye’ve been the one person in me life who’s been makin’ me sad. I’m better off without that sadness. Fer that reason, I simply cannae find it in mesel’ tae forgive ye, however much ye try tae explain.”

“Alana, dinnae send me away,” he said pleadingly, his face stricken.

“Dinnae make this more difficult than it is. Please take yer things and go, I need peace tae think.” She deliberately turned her back on him and went to stare sightlessly out of a window, hiding the turmoil in her breast.

A terrible silence descended on the chamber, and she expected him to argue with her but he did not. After a short time, he said flatly, “If that’s what ye want, I’ll go.”

She stood silently, biting her lip to stop the tears, digging her nails into her palm, to stop herself from whirling around and begging him to stay. Her body almost vibrating with distress, she listened to the sounds of him packing his few things.

Finally, he said softly, “I love ye, Alana. I’ve always loved ye, and I always will. And I wish ye naethin’ but happiness. Even if means ye willnae be with me.” She heard the door close behind him and his bootsteps fading as he went down the hall.

She ran and locked the door. Then, overwhelmed by the storm raging inside her, she gave way to it.