Page 43 of A Kilted Marriage of Convenience

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

Ciara felt her world crumble to dust around her. She felt stuck in a place between time and space, minutes stretching to infinity as realization washed over her. Her heart pounded with a violent thumping in her chest as she reached out limply to take the letter from Aidan.

Have ye been lying to me...?

Aidan’s words rang loudly in her head as she slowly folded the letter open. She felt lightheaded and her fingers trembled uncontrollably as she looked at the hastily scrawled letter. She would recognize her father’s handwriting anywhere, and in this particular moment it made her heart sink. She felt like she could actually hear her father’s wicked voice through the words.

The further Ciara read the more she shrank, growing smaller till she felt like she must have disappeared from the face of the world. That would have been infinitely better: to fade away from existence rather than witness Aidan’s pain and suffering that darkened his eyes.

She finally understood why he had been asking her so many questions, why he had brought them here, to this serene and beautiful meadow where they could be alone, why he had been so reserved and quiet.

He had been giving her chance after chance to open up to him. He had wanted her to confess and explain everything herself. He had wanted her to trust him. Sadly, the more he had prodded her, the more she had avoided the truth. She wanted to cry, but even her tears had abandoned her.

It’s all over. What must he think of me now? Why couldnae I just tell him?

It belatedly occurred to Ciara that if she had told Aidan everything and opened up to him once they had gotten to know each other and fallen in love, he would have helped her regardless. She tried to tell herself that the chance never came, but she knew it was a vain lie.

She finally found the courage to look up at Aidan, and his face was contorted with grief. His eyes were bloodshot as though he had been recovering from a sleepless night, his shoulders slumped forward in resignation. His silence was an overwhelming force unto itself, and Ciara felt suffocated by it.

Of all her many crimes, none was as unforgivable as the pain she had caused him. She was just as bad as her father. Ciara crumpled to the ground like discarded clothing, with her head bent forward, overcome with guilt. She did not have the heart to hold Aidan’s pained gaze, because with his eyes he asked one unspoken question: why?

Ciara broke. Her tears came flooding out of her. She squeezed her eyes shut, shivering with the force of her sobbing. Aidan stayed silent, his eyes glazed over.

Tearfully, Ciara finally confessed the whole truth. She began with how Keir had found out that she was the one who had released Lillie. She explained that she hadn’t known at the time that she had made herself a replacement for Lillie in her father’s scheming in so doing. Without so much as a say in the matter, she had been sold off to the vile Laird Morrison.

She described how she and her father had fought vehemently over this. She described how she had been bloodied repeatedly. She realized the only way to get away from his plans was to go somewhere he couldn't find her, the nunnery.

It was then that she had been caught in the fateful storm that had wrecked their boat, which had washed her ashore, on his land, barely alive.

Ciara took deep breaths to steady herself as the memories came pouring in. It was only in opening up that she realized how tired she had become of the lies, how heavily they weighed on her, how dark they had painted her soul. Now, she just wanted it all out and in the open, so she forced herself to continue speaking, while Aidan remained silent.

“I had decided to use ye as a shield,” Ciara mewled, looking up to meet his teary eyes. “To escape from my father and his horrid plans for me. At first, I was just going to hide in the castle. But when my father found out where I was hiding, I decided instead to plant in yer head the idea of getting married to me. I kent that by getting wed to ye, I would foil his plans to take me back and marry me off to someone else.”

Ciara watched as Aidan’s heart seemed to break into a million pieces.

“It may have all started out as a farce,” she went on hurriedly, “but somewhere down the line, it became real, Aidan. My time spent here with ye and yer family has been the best part of my life! It may have been a deceit at the beginning, but I really did... I really did fall in love with ye.”

“How?” Aidan replied quietly, his voice breaking. “How can ye expect me to believe that after all ye have said to me? How can I ever trust ye again when all ye have done this whole time is lie to me and entangle me in yer games?”

Ciara fell silent as the truth of his questions battered her, and all she could do was bury her face in her hands as her tears flowed freely.

“We should head back now,” Aidan rasped, turning toward the horse, who was still grazing contentedly. “The others will be worried about how long we have been gone already.”

She followed leadenly, trying and failing to stem her tears with her sleeve. She stood to the side as Aidan saddled his horse and adjusted the stirrups. He seemed to have regained control of his feelings, and his eyes were now cold and hard.

Ciara took what might be her last look around the meadow, her heart filling with regret that they hadn’t enjoyed the beauty and peace of this wonderful place. She did not think she would ever visit it again, and she was surprised at how hurt she felt by that realization.

I am so sorry, Aidan. I am sorry that I could nae be who ye believed me to be.

He cleared his throat softly, and Ciara turned to see that the horse was ready. Aidan offered her a hand to help her up, and she took it cautiously. As soon as she was settled, he got on behind her and turned the horse back the way they had come.

The sun had traveled across the sky, and it cast long shadows in the forest as it grew dark. Aidan had an arm around Ciara to steady her, but it could have been a rod for all she knew, given how unmoving and impersonal the touch was. He led them back across the wooden bridge at the mouth of the forest, heading for the rocky bank of the burn.

Neither of them had spoken a word to each other the whole time, and the silence persisted as the horse galloped at a reasonable pace across the fields and farmlands.

Just as she had done when they had come down this path earlier, Ciara chose to focus on the passing countryside. This time, unfortunately, she could not bring herself to enjoy the scenes as she had done in the morning. The ride back seemed to take longer than before, and she was not sure what awaited her back at the castle.

She looked up to see a hawk circling the blue sky, and in that moment, she felt like that lonely hawk. She felt like most of her life, she had been all alone, trying to find where she fit. For the first time in her life, she had finally fit somewhere. She had finally belonged to a family. She had managed to ruin it now, and she did not know what was next for her.