Page 62 of How to Woo a Highlander

He had been surprised to find the tears rolling down her cheeks quietly. The bag of compensation gold suddenly felt heavier than usual.

“How did it happen?” she asked, still staring at the antlers on the wall and not once looking at him while he recounted the plan and what had gone wrong, how Lain had betrayed them all.

“Did ye see him die?” she asked as tears continued to stream down her face, dripping onto her baby’s face. Once again, guilt clawed at Alastair’s heart as he responded.

“Nay, I didnae,” his voice was gruff with emotion. He had chosen to go alone, not wanting anyone to be there in such a private moment, not wanting to have support when he faced his guilt. He had not seen Gerald die because he had been busy sleeping in Jane’s embrace.

“I suppose that is to be expected. They were all killed in their sleep after all, and ye were awoken to the ambush,” she nodded. Alastair had wanted to confess to her that he should have been with them, sleeping in the clearing if Jane was not there. He might have seen them die or even woken them the moment he noticed something was wrong. However, Gerald’s wife had risen to her feet and handed him her baby.

“Please excuse me,” she said, dropping the child in his hands before running out of the room. He was forced to sit and hold the child who would never know his father while listening to the painful sobs of the woman who had lost her husband.

She wailed for thirty minutes before she finally quieted down. When she returned, she was more composed, although her eyes were dead. She gave him a deep curtsy with her head bowed, thanking him for holding her child and giving her the chance to mourn unrestrained. After that, she had taken the baby and received her gold with a stony expression, thanking him again.

“Yer husband shall be buried with a warrior’s honor,” Alastair had said, standing on her porch. The sack of gold was at her feet as she stood at the door with her baby.

“They all will be. The procession is in three days, and the town will march while lanterns are lit in their name,” he said. To this, she nodded and thanked him as he turned and walked with heavy steps back to the carriage. Sitting there, he had wept quietly for a moment, before preparing himself to visit the next family.

He had not expected the rest to be much easier, and they all left a deeper gash in his heart than he’d expected. He had been forced to watch Donny’s little brother fight to hold back the tears while he held on to his wailing mother and listened to Alastair recount how his brother died, forced to explain to the children why they needed to return to the orphan’s home.

By the time he returned to the castle that evening, if not for the blood staining his clothes from one of his wounds, Alastair would not have believed that he still had a beating heart. The war had been won, but lives had been altered forever.

“What are ye thinking about? Are ye nervous about yer wedding tomorrow?” William asked, startling Alastair. The two of them had been riding on the plains, both needing fresh air. The castle was much quieter since Suisan had surprised them, saying that she was leaving for France. William had given her a sack of gold and let her go.

That was another thing that had changed forever. Before the war, the castle had been occupied by William, Lain, and Suisan and had been that way for many years. Although he had Jane, sometimes he could still imagine Lain’s laughter down the hallways, or catch a glimpse of Suisan’s skirt when she turned a corner. It felt as though he were chasing ghosts.

He did not know how he felt about missing Lain. He wanted to pretend that he didn’t, considering all that Lain had done, but he could not lie to himself. Although he still did not know how many of his smiles had been covering malice, Alastair believed that some were real. He had not spoken of it to anyone but wondered if William sometimes felt the way he did.

“Nay…” he responded, swaying as his horse side-stepped. “It is nae because of my wedding. I am just thinkin’ about how much things have changed.”

At that, William looked off into the horizon. Such thoughts had plagued him too. How many things had changed in such a short time? William’s knee had healed well in the three months that passed. He no longer had a limp, although he still had to be careful to make sure that he did not hurt the knee again. Jane’s face also healed. Apart from the tooth which she had lost, she was back to perfection. The lost tooth didn’t show when she smiled, so he doubted that she would miss it.

Alastair had also healed well, although now covered in scars, proof of the onslaught he’d survived. He had not touched Jane again in the months that passed. At first, it was because they were both injured, but then it was because he decided to wait. He would have waited in the first place if not for their desperate night together.

He chose to wait, sharing nothing more than a few chaste kisses with her as they continued their courtship and friendship. His kisses were chaste because he could not trust himself to remain steadfast in waiting if he allowed himself any more than that. He could still remember what it felt like to be overwhelmed by her, and for him, abstinence was the way to control.

“Things have indeed changed,” William accepted, kicking his horse and steering it for their return. “The changes have been both good and bad, but if ye ask me, I believe the good outweighs the bad.”

Smiling, Alastair followed his lead and turned his horse, kicking it to gallop alongside William’s steed as they rode back to the castle.

“Indeed, it does,” he accepted, smiling against the warm breeze which blew against his hair.

* * *

"Jane, fretting is not going to help you in any way. Sit still!" Mary scolded as she added rouge to Jane's cheeks and color to her lips. She was so nervous that she felt she might cry. It was the day of her wedding, and her heart was thumping -partly because she was happy but mostly due to nerves.

She could not believe that she was getting married to Alastair, that it was finally happening.

Do I look good enough? Has my face fully healed? What if he kisses me and his tongue finds the gap where my tooth is missing? That's ridiculous, Jane.

Most of her fears were incredibly stupid, but she could not help it. She was terrified all the same. Finally done with beautifying her, Mary stepped back to admire her work like a proud mother on her daughter's special day. Jane smiled anxiously.

"Do I look alright?" she asked. Mary turned her in her seat so that she could face the mirror.

"Of course you do! You look amazing, and you're going to knock him off his feet."

Staring at her reflection, Jane had to agree. She looked positively stunning. Mary had braided her hair in an intricate style to resemble a crown and held it up by what looked like a thousand sparkling diamond pins. Her head was glittering.

Her cheeks held more color, and her lips were red. She smiled, her white teeth contrasting against the ruby of her lips. She looked amazing. Her wedding gown was lowcut and showed her cleavage to advantage. Mary had even sprinkled pearl dust on her, making her glow softly in an ethereal way.