Page 2 of Not Mine To Love

Getting the pictures had meant befriending a bunch of fraternity members and moving from one dorm room to another, trying to get evidence of the professor in action. That part wasn’t fun. Most of the rooms smelled like dirty gym socks, old pizza, and worse things that I didn’t want to think about. A few of the students had even run by me naked, but I kept my eyes trained on the window, and it paid off. Around five am, I caught the professor doing all sorts of things and then politely escorting each co-ed to her car. How bold he was, or maybe it was arrogance since he didn’t think he would get caught. I then waited a few hours until the professor left his office before making my getaway.

As I drove to Meredith’s school, the smugness I felt earlier disappeared and was replaced by embarrassment. I felt terrible that I was going to show up dirty and kind of smelly to her performance. But it was either that or miss it. And I wasn’t going to miss it for anything. I told Meredith I would be there, and I intended to keep my promise even if I was dressed kind of slutty and smelling like last night’s leftovers with a hint of sweatiness thrown in.

Meredith was my ex-husband’s daughter and kind of my best friend. I didn’t relate very well to most people, so I had few friends. Most of the men I met just wanted to get in my pants. And most women didn’t even take the time to get to know me. They just assumed because of the way that I looked that I was flighty and conceited and probably not very smart. They assumed I was the type of woman who used my body to get what I wanted. I mean, sometimes I did. I flirted with the frat boys to get access to their frat house which was directly across from the professor’s office.

But the truth was, I was too shy and unsure of myself to be conceited. I just sort of stumbled through life trying to figure it all out as I went along. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, but I knew I was tired of being broke and clueless. I thought earning my bachelor’s degree would have at least led me to a career, but I floundered around for years after earning my degree taking random temp jobs, trying to figure out where I fit in the world.

It was like I was stuck in a rut and didn’t know what to do about it. I had gone to school. I had done what I was supposed to do, and now I was going nowhere fast. I had a degree and no skillset. I was kind of unemployable after college which was why I decided to take a continuing education course, but instead of just taking something practical like an accounting software course, I signed up for photography. If that course had been graded, I would have barely passed. I didn’t even retain much from it. I just liked taking pretty pictures. And I found work on Craigslist with the P.I. firm. She promised me a couple hundred bucks per assignment. I needed a couple hundred bucks. I was sick of being unemployed and living with my dad.

Not that I didn’t love my dad. I just felt we both needed our own space.

“Dad,” I grumbled to myself. I needed to call him to tell him I was alright. He was probably really worried about me. But I was a stickler for not using my phone while driving, so I didn’t dare call or text him now while I was on the highway. For at least the hundredth time, I regretted that I hadn’t taken my ex, Tom, to court for alimony. Who was I kidding? I was glad I didn’t have to deal with Tom or his money on a monthly basis. Dealing with Tom’s nonsense had already aged me a million years if not more.

But gosh it would have been sweet to have a car with Bluetooth technology and then I could just tell the car to call my dad and it would. Instead, I was driving around in a car that was at least half my age, that I also happened to share with my dad. So it wasn’t even technically my car.

I texted him quickly to tell him I was alright while stopped at a light. I was young and unemployed, but I wasn’t stupid. I had the attention span of a gnat, so there was no way I would text and drive.

When I pulled up to Meredith’s fancy private school, I hoped out of my car and headed in the direction of the theatre which was housed in the school’s Fine Arts Center. When I was Meredith’s age, I attended a rundown public school in the heart of the city. I felt my entire school could have fit in the Fine Arts building of Meredith’s school. It was a little snooty and I did get a few looks, well more than a few, as I made my way to the Fine Arts building.

The ushers opened the doors as I approached, and I caught one staring at my clothes. Feeling self-conscious, I tugged at the hem of my dress and tried to ignore her look of disapproval. I was sure I was going to be talked about at the next PTA meeting.

Inside, the lights were dimmed, but the show hadn’t begun yet. I scanned the audience as best as I could. I was able to see at least somewhat. I searched for Dana, Meredith’s mom, and found her seated toward the front of the audience. I slowly made my way toward her, trying to navigate the best I could in my heels. The narrow steps leading to the front of the audience was making that quite difficult. We had an unusual relationship, Dana and I. We didn’t hit it off when we first met. After all, I was the woman Dana was convinced her husband left her for. But when it became clear that I was just as much a victim of Tom’s charms, she warmed up to me. Dana had the whole “girl next door” look about her. She was cute even if she didn’t know it or appreciate her looks. And frankly, I think she looked great for a mother of three. She went on and on about how she was already starting to get wrinkles, but that was only in her head.

“Hi,” I said, sitting down next to her.

She smiled at me and said, “Glad you could make it.” And then she sniffed the air. “Is it just me or does something around here smell like frat boy funk?”

I shifted away from her and sniffed the air as if I didn’t know the smell was coming from me. I looked away and said with a shrug, “I don’t smell anything.”

I was literally a dirty liar, but my response seemed to appease Dana who shot a look toward a guy in front of us wearing a sports jersey and scratching at his hair which left flakes on his shoulder.

“I bet it’s him,” she whispered to me before turning her attention elsewhere as the lights darkened in the theatre. “Oh, oh, it’s about to start,” she whispered excitedly. I smiled and looked at the stage as the lights dimmed further in the auditorium.

An angelic voice sounded from the stage, and I smiled as I instantly realized that voice was Meredith’s. The spotlight shone down on her then and I watched her sing, envying her self-confidence. She had practiced at least a million times with me. I wasn’t much of a singer, but I had been in chorus all four years of high school. I frowned. High school seemed like just yesterday, but it was actually nearly a decade ago. I didn’t know why I found that thought depressing, but I did. No matter. I smiled, hoping that smiling would make me feel better and it did. Thank god for all those self-help books I loved to read. Dana thought they were just junk, but I swore by them.

Meredith finished her number, and I couldn’t help myself. I jumped up and clapped. And then I started cheering. Dana moved slightly away from me. I was sure she was trying to distance herself from my overenthusiasm, but what could I say? I was impressed. More than that... I was sooo proud.

Eventually, I sat and tried to clap ardently for the other students who were performing for the talent show. Meredith wasn’t actually competing. She was the host. She was so great. She was everything that I had wanted to be when I was her age, but everything that I totally wasn’t.

The show came to an end about two hours later. I didn’t even know who won since I had stopped paying attention after the first half hour, but that didn’t stop me from cheering for the winner.

“I’m going to go meet up with Meredith,” Dana said. “You coming?”

I loved that Dana let me continue to be part of Meredith’s life, but I understood there were some moments that she wanted to just share with her daughter, and I felt this was one of them.

“You go ahead. I’ll wait for you guys here.”

I hadn’t been very close to my mom growing up, so mother and daughter time was kind of sacred to me. Not that I regretted not spending time with my mom. According to the Internet, she was a narcissist. Which probably explained why I married a narcissist. I had read that on the Internet too.

I sat on the steps outside of the school in the most ladylike way I could manage as I waited for Meredith and Dana to come out. I got a few looks, but I ignored them. All that mattered was that I was there for Meredith. At least that’s what I was telling myself. I hated to be embarrassed, and I hated to be disliked. If my life was a book, I think my high school literature teacher would say that I was a character who was tragically flawed.

I didn’t feel flawed though. Yeah, I didn’t really have any money, or a spouse for that matter, but when I had all those things I hadn’t exactly been ecstatic. I had been just the opposite: miserable. But now, I was single and maybe a little lonely and very much broke, but I was definitely not miserable.

“Hey, did you get those pictures?” asked a familiar voice. A voice that was kind of the epitome of misery.

I turned toward the voice, surprised to see my employer standing there. “Leona,” I said surprise clear in my voice as I stood to greet her with a smile she didn’t return. “What are you doing here?”

“My grandson goes here,” she said shortly. “So did you get the pictures?” She was always straight to the point. She was in her late sixties, had red hair, wore too much makeup and had a little bit of a smoker’s voice. She intimidated me. But I think I was intimidated by at least seventy-five percent of the people I met.