Page 108 of Carson

How else will it get better, if I don’t try?

I’ve tried everything … I’ve even dropped to my knees in prayer, crying out to a God that refuses to listen.

“That’s really good,” I tell Cole.

“You weren’t even watching.”

I sigh, rubbing my forehead. “I’m sorry. Show me again.”

He signs a complete paragraph.

“I knew you could do it,” I say, signing back.

“What’s wrong?” he signs without speaking. “Are you worried about Carson going on the run with us tomorrow?”

“No,” I sign back, more angrily than I intend. I grab my bag. I need to get out of here before I embarrass myself. It falls to the ground, all of my stuff falling out. Quickly I shove it back in.

“Let me help,” Cole says.

“I’ve got it.” I throw it over my shoulder. “I’ll see you whenever you get back.”

I hurry outside, jogging down the hill and disappearing into the trees.

As soon as I’ve stepped into the forest, I bend over, struggling to catch my breath.

I spin in a circle looking up at the sky. “What am I supposed to learn from this? You give me feelings for Carson and then leave me with no place to go with them?” I yell.

“How cruel is that?” I wave my arms around wildly. “Fuck you! Fuck you!” I scream at the heavens.

Oh my god. I’m going to explode.

“You’re a bastard, you know that? A fucking bastard.” I fall to my knees in a fit of tears. “I don’t care anymore. You win. You win. Let the fucking devil take me.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t say that,” a man says from behind me.

It’s Carver. I’d recognize his voice anywhere.

“You never know when the devil might be listening.”

I laugh harshly. “Good.”

He walks over and stares down his nose at me. “Looks like you’ve already let him get his claws in you.”

“Well, that’s what happens when he gets into bed with you.”

He laughs, dropping to a knee in front of me.

“That wasn’t the devil. That was just some weak little prick. The devil used him to get to you, and he’s winning.”

“I don’t know how to beat him.”

“You fucking take back your goddamn authority over your body.”

I look away from him.

“You command it. It doesn’t command you. That is where people make their biggest mistake. They let their body control them. Pleasure, pain. It’s always craving something, but the day you lose control and let it do what it wants, that’s the day the devil wins.”

He pushes his hand against my heart. “Goddammit, girl, your father might have touched your body, but he never touched this, did he?”