Page 104 of Carson

“You don’t forget,” she continues, “but you can learn to kick that motherfucker to the curb.”

“I picked up a romance book today. I thought maybe it would help.”

She considers that for a moment. “If you don’t feel any desire then maybe it will help. Where your thoughts go your energy flows.” She lights a cigarette. “Or maybe reading about the bad guy getting what he deserves is where the real healing lies in those books. I don’t know. I’m not much of a reader.”

“My dad eventually got what he deserved.”

“Did he, though?”

“My brother shot him.”

She shrugs. “Sounds like he got off easy to me, because he’s dead and you’re still trying to figure out how to let Carson touch you … or maybe how to touch him.”

I take a deep breath, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out.

“It … it makes me feel yucky.”

Charlotte runs out. “Here. You can give it back to me when you’re done. It’s my favorite book.”

I run my hand over the cover, smiling. “Charlotte’s Web.”

Petey comes out behind her. “Ready to head over to the farm?” he asks his daughter.

She gives me a big hug, whispering in my ear. “I’ll talk to Jackson.”

“We’ll be back in a couple hours. It was nice seeing you again, Luna,” Petey says.

I nod, watching the two of them put their helmets on. Petey tugs at Charlotte’s strap, making sure it’s on tight. As they ride off, tears stream down my face.

“I never had a dad around. Then I met Bill, Jesse’s dad, and he adopted me. Having him in my life repaired something I didn’t even realize was damaged. Then I met Petey and Charlotte, and little by little, I learned I could trust men … a few at least.”

My mind goes to my brother and Mila and then to Dan and Khloe.

“Carson is a stand-up guy. Just like his dad.”

“I know that …” But my mind is a little bitch.

“I’d like to tell you there is a quick fix, but time … time and a willingness to keep trying. There are still times I almost scrub my skin clean off, but I don’t beat myself up for it anymore. I just accept it and move on. I refuse to let my past rule my present.”

“I hate him.”

“There you go … now you’re putting the blame where it needs to be.”

“I hated the way he crawled into my bed at night.” I pause for a moment. “The way he took my hand …”

Katie listens as I go through the list of things I hate. She doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t run away. She just bears witness to the things I’ve never said out loud.

And when I’m finished, she lights up a cigarette and hands it to me.

My hands shake as I wipe tears from my face with one hand, bringing the smoke to my lips with the other.

“I bet that felt good,” she says, settling back in her chair.

“Actually, it did.” I laugh and cough at the same time.

“So, you’re sending the twins off on a mission?”

“You heard that, huh?”