Page 12 of Lash’s Love

“Hey, baby, we are here. Are you doing okay?”

I look over at him and smile, “I’m sorry, I was lost in thought. I’m ready. We can head inside.”

With that he comes around to the side of the truck to help me out. We walk into the counselors office hand and hand and I hope that by the time we get out of here we will still be walking hand and hand.

We get into the waiting room and don’t sit down long before Dr. Erica Reeves comes out of her office to call us in. She is Devil’s sister, so it is very nice that we have someone who understands the MC life because her family is in it so we can be as open as we want to be during our sessions. We both sit down on the couch and wait to see how this whole thing is going to start. I have never been in counseling before and all this is just out of the realm of things I am comfortable with. But if this is going to help me figure out a way forward with my family then I am all for it.

“Alright, I’m so glad you guys are here. Now we don’t need to do introductions with each other because I know you both very well. So we are going to skip how I normally start and we are going to go forward to what brings you both to couples counseling today?”

“Do we just talk or I guess I have questions before we start with the whole what brings us here today.” I ask.

“Yes, basically you just talk freely, I’ll ask questions as we go. But this is a space for open conversation and it is a safe space to talk about feelings and what is going on. We want to be open and honest with each other and everything that you say here will be kept here. I will only share with people you want me to, I know that you both are starting individual counseling so I will obviously be able to share my thoughts through that with the counselors you’ve chosen. I know that you are seeing members from my office and your kids are too. So they all are very familiar with club life and therefore everything will be safe and secure with us. I’ve hired people that live the life or have family that have lived the life. So with all that said, what brings you both here today? I would love to make sure the couple that makes everyone wish they were you is still going strong. I mean six kids and counting it seems.” She says with a chuckle.

“Babies seven and eight in there, Doc.” Toby says proudly and I just shake my head at him.

“I don’t know how much you know about what has happened with our club. I know that women, especially women that are not ol’ ladies, do not get read into a lot of things, but I’m sure you know that my mama was killed back in January. Our twins Dallas and Dash were also abducted during that time. I am having a lot of issues with everything that has happened. I am so angry all the time and I am angry with my family, I am angry with Toby and I’m beyond angry with my father. I don’t know how to get through all of that. But Toby and I want to work through everything and try to find a way forward. Maybe help me find a way to get through all this anger. My thoughts with everything that happened is that Toby should have been there to pick up the kids that day, like he was supposed to. He called my mama when it was already past the time to get the kids because his crazy receptionist scheduled a late tattoo without his knowledge. So he called my mama to get the twins because he wouldn’t make it to pick up time.

While mama was on her way to pick up the twins her SUV was hit by the rival MC that my father was lying to all of us about. The man who came to find out that my father’s brother had come to the daycare and took my children had been informed by someone that Toby would not be picking up the kids. There are many things that happened that day that don’t make sense to me that make me so angry. You know like the club is the reason this all happened. Some stupid legacy is the reason some maniac went after the club in the first place. Some stupid petty bullshit that means nothing is the reason that two of my kids were taken and possibly all my other kids could’ve been taken. The reason my mother is dead is because of some crazy misguided thought that my grandfather who had children he did not know about gave his legacy to the wrong child. This stupid idiot man didn’t even know that he had two sons older than him anyway and if my grandfather would’ve known about all of them he wouldn’t have even been the one to inherit the club. My father made this club what it is, but everyone just wants to say that it was depending on the birth order. It doesn’t even matter, all this is just so stupid! There have been so many lies and so much hidden because they claim it is all ‘club business’, but you know what all this impacted my life, impacted my babies and my family. Here we sit having two children that were taken and thankfully found, but yet a mother and grandmother that will never meet the rest of her grandchildren. Some grandchildren that will not remember her, two of her kids still not even adults yet who should have her for everything that the rest of us had her for.

All that is gone because of some secrets and stupid pride. Over a stupid club, over money I’m sure is also the motivator. All of this is pointless and I am so angry about the secrets, I’m angry that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I’m angry at petty people that think it is okay to destroy peoples lives to try and make their lives better. How could anyone do these things? My father lied to all of us, he hid things and look at where we are because of all that! Look at all the things that could have been different if he paid attention. I mean if he would also have taken into consideration all the things I’ve told him about some of these people in the club, maybe we would've caught some traitors or gotten traitors out. But no. This club doesn’t hold their women in regard like some of the other clubs, they don’t listen. Toby should’ve told his client no and get his ass to pick up our children on time. Everything could have been different. There are so many what ifs. Things could have been so different and I could’ve never missed months with two of my precious babies and I would be able to have so much more time with my mama. I wouldn’t have to be comforting my younger siblings and trying to help raise them with the time they have left at home. My father wouldn’t be grieving the woman he loved more than anything in the world. My family lost its heart and for what? Some man's stupid pride and a legacy that who knows if it will be worth it in the end.”

I look up at the therapist after my rant of verbal puke and see that she is looking at me with a sad smile on her face.

“That is a lot that has happened to you in such a short amount of time. The feelings you are feeling are valid and no one can tell you they are not. You’ve lost a lot and to you it all comes back to one thing and certain people. But I think maybe, just maybe you are angry at the people you are angry with because they are the safest and easiest people to be angry with. That you know that no matter what you do or say that they will still be here and still love you through all your pain. Toby, how are you feeling with everything that has gone on and what Sophie is saying?”

“Listen, I understand why she is feeling that way. There have been a lot of miscommunications with everything. I get it, I do. I am pretty angry though myself. There is a lot of stuff that I don’t like the way they were handled. I think that in all of this it was forgotten that I lost someone too, that my kids were also taken and for months I did not know where they were. I had people check in on me, sure. But it wasn’t the person I needed to have check in on me or be with me through all of it. I was being kept out of my home and could only see my other kids at certain times and that was hard. It was like I was being forced to grieve everything and deal with my trauma with everything alone. I’m just supposed to be strong for everyone, but nobody thinks that there are times when I feel weak. There are times where the pain gets too much and I need someone to lean on. It’s hard knowing that I couldn’t turn to the one person I needed to because she shut me out. I get that she was angry, but you know what, I’m angry too. I’m angry that instead of getting through this together we had to get through it alone. I’m angry that even though she knows that I would never do anything to hurt our babies she blames me for what happened. Mama J was like a second mother to me and I didn’t get to grieve her because of everything else going on. I felt like I lost everything and you know what for a time there I did lose so much more than I needed to.”

I look at my husband and for the first time see the hurt that we both have caused during this whole ordeal.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way. I never really thought about all of that and maybe that makes me selfish. I didn’t realize that with me needing time to get through all the feelings I was feeling about what happened it was making it worse for you. You have every right to be angry with me for pushing you away when you needed me. I feel like I needed to do what was right for me at that moment. Everything was hard and horrible. Too much was happening and I was feeling so much and I was protecting myself. I know not thinking about your feelings is not something that we do, but obviously sometimes even I falter.”

“It is easy when going through something traumatic and grief that we focus on what the people close to us did wrong. It is not uncommon that we place blame on the people that love us no matter what. Sometimes in the heat of grief we get angry with everyone, even the people we are grieving. I think you guys coming here and talking things through is a good thing. You guys were so young when you got together and really despite being married so young, being parents so young, starting two separate and really competing businesses, you guys have really done well. Everything that has happened this past however many months is testing you guys in a way that you have never been tested. It seems to be this new threat, these new women coming in who don’t seem to know the history and know the rules that are making more challenges for you guys.

Taking care of your emotions and learning how to communicate with each other. Learning how you both felt during this time should help you guys get back to where you want to be, if not stronger than before. I know most people who know you guys would think it is crazier for you to be stronger than you were before, but I really think it can happen. You two are soulmates, anyone who knows you and sees you together can see that. Challenges come in all relationships, but it is how we react to them and how we heal from them that can either make or break us. I’m glad that I will be able to help you talk through forgiveness and expression of everything that has gone on. You are the very core and foundation of your family. In fact most people in the club look to you both as the couple that everyone wants to be. You’re best friends, we just have to get rid of all the negative thoughts that are making it hard for Sophie to feel like she can trust you. Logically she knows that you would never do anything to hurt her, but with all the insecurities a pregnant woman can go through, add on the grief she is feeling sometimes we don’t think logically. I think you guys need to spend more time with just each other, I know it’s hard with six kids, but I also know that you guys have a fantastic support system. You should use it. Maybe do date nights at home. I know that with everything going on in the club, you don’t want to go out as much. So do things with just each other. Talk to each other not just here, but at home too. Be open and honest. I know you guys can get through anything. Honestly, I don’t think with the amount of love Lash has, you’d be getting anywhere Sophie.”

With that I chuckled. My alpha male would not let me go anywhere. Our session ends and we head out towards the car where some of the club brothers are surrounding it on their bikes.

“I don’t feel nearly important enough to have a bunch of bikers give me a procession home.” I say to Toby.

“Well, baby,” he says as he opens the passenger door, “until we find these assholes, everyone is going to have an entourage.”

I hop into my seat and go to reach my seatbelt, he puts his hand over mine and leans into the car. He gently kisses my lips then places his forehead on mine.

“I love you, Sophie. I wouldn’t be me without you, I hope you know that. I need you like the air I breathe. When I was staying at the clubhouse, I felt like a huge part of me was missing. Never again baby. I think tonight the kids are staying with my parents and we are having that date night.”

He kissed my lips again and stood up, buckling my seatbelt and closing the door. Before going to the driver's seat. We do go and have that date night. For the first time in months, Toby shares a bed with me.

Chapter Thirteen

Sophie

It has been about a month and a half since we got the twins back and our life is slowly becoming a type of normal again. We kept the kids out of school and kind of home schooled them with my mother in law's help, she’s a former teacher so everything has really worked out in our favor for the last month. The teachers and the principal were very understanding. It was definitely a relief to not have to worry about that. Dallas and Dash are involved in therapy a couple of times a week since they are the ones that definitely went through the most with everything. The therapist has assured us from what they have said, they remained in their room for the majority of the time and were not physically hurt, but were neglected. I have also been in counseling once a week trying to work through my anger, my trust issues that I have with the club and Toby. It has been very slow going because I still place a lot of blame on everyone else’s shoulders along with the men who do this. From what I am told it makes sense because I cannot obviously take my frustrations out on the men that did this and it is safer for me to be angry with the people I know love me.

Toby and I have been going to couple’s counseling to work on our relationship and the things that we have gone through in the last six months. Toby is refusing to leave the house unless it is for church and club business. Even then he does not go on runs, which he worked out with all the brothers, they have been understanding everything that has gone on with our family and me being pregnant he doesn’t want to be far away. He is trying to make me see that despite everything he has never stopped loving me. We are also working on all the shit I’ve had to deal with with my insecurities because of all the bitches at the clubhouse and his workplace confronting me all of the time. They have really become dedicated, especially Lips. She has even showed up at my house when she knows that Toby is at the clubhouse. She constantly is trying to start shit in front of my kids. Telling them how she is going to replace me and that their daddy is going to ship them all away.

Now I know this is something I should share with my husband and probably my family, but I just don’t have the faith that they will actually do anything. I know that my brothers don’t actually go there with any of the club skanks because they aren’t really into sharing women with their family, so I know they haven’t been there with this bitch, but I also don’t have a whole lot of faith that they won’t tell me it is too bad that I have to deal with it because the club needs their pussy. Especially with their track record. I used to tell my husband about it all before, but nothing ever happened. Those whores are still there; it is like their club princess doesn’t mean nearly as much as their pussy does. I’m not even just a club princess, I am the vice president's wife and ol’ lady. I should be protected by this club. You’d think that they would have my back, but my father even let this shit go with warnings when he was president.

The other kids have had a few therapy sessions as well, theirs is not as frequent but we want to make sure that they are receiving some sort of help as well because of everything that has happened. We are just all trying to heal in a way that we can. Hoping to get back to the family we once were. My dad is still living in our ‘in-law’ house we have on our part of the property. He is here pretty much all the time. I think that he is waiting for me to have the babies before he heads out doing whatever he plans on doing now that mama is gone. I know he talked about going out on the road, so I am assuming he is waiting because I am pregnant. He does occasionally make his way over to where Peyton and Knox are now living with their triplets. I still don’t talk to him like I used to and I definitely don’t leave him with the kids alone. I know that is harsh, but he is the one person I trusted to not do anything to harm my family and in fact by hiding things he hurt us the most. He knew there was a brother out there that could look like him, given Uncle Gavin and Uncle Garrett look similar to him, but he didn’t tell anyone or have me remove him from the children’s pickup list. Now there is very little trust there, another thing I am working on in therapy.