Page 95 of Barefoot Lake

“I’m so sorry.”

She reaches for my arm, and I release the wheel with my right hand to hold her.

“I don’t want to be in Boston. I don’t want to be an administrator. I don’t want to be away from you and Grateful Bob and Hannah and Wilcox Grove. I’ve felt peace in Wilcox Grove that I never had in Boston. I never thought I would, but I’ve loved recognizing familiar faces on each grocery run, getting to know people and their families around town. I feel supported. When I got to Boston and texted Hannah and Grateful Bob to let people know I’d be away, I realized I had more people to check in with, more people who would notice my absence, than I had when I left Boston. I love the nature, the quiet, and the comradery of crazy flag football fans. I finally understand why Mom decided to go there when she got sick, and I wish we could have enjoyed it together.

“But I can’t leave William, and I won’t let you leave your life for me. I’m afraid I’m going to have decades of regrets, just like he does.”

I feel worthless, without a single answer for her. Her voice is so small, and she sounds broken.

“We’ll figure it out. I promise.” Even in my own ears, the vow feels hollow. I have to figure this out.

CHAPTER 36

Alice

I’ve been back in Wilcox Grove for a few days, but I feel like a ghost watching somebody else go through the motions of my life. The visit with my father keeps playing on repeat in my head. I swear I hear him call for my mother every time I close my eyes. It was chilling for him to be there for one moment and gone again so quickly.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I keep debating whether I should cancel on Jake and his invitation to spend the holiday with Eli’s family. I’m no fun at all right now, and I’m not sure I have the emotional capacity for an evening surrounded by people.

While I’ve appreciated Jake’s company every day since the Boston trip, we’ve mostly sat in silence. I think he’s been really busy with work planning stuff, maybe for the holidays, because he’s hardly been off his laptop, and he’s regularly stepping into another room for phone calls, even after he comes back from the nursery.

I highly doubt Eli’s family is planning on an evening of silence and existential crises.

I put on my shoes and walk outside when I hear Jake’s truck pull into our little space. We’ve been alternating spending time at my house and his, and it’s his turn tonight. He meets me at his front door after parking the truck, just beaming.

We’ve been equally somber for the last several days, so I briefly wonder if he’s cracked. He catches my face with both of his hands and sweeps me into a deep kiss, very unlike the hello peck we typically share when he gets home or when I visit him at work. He’s cracked.

He grips my hand tightly while he fumbles to unlock his front door. I’ve never seen him this excited. I pause when he gets the door open, but he tugs my arm.

“Get in, get in. I have something to show you.”

Once I’m inside, he gently takes me by my upper arms and guides me backward to sit on his couch.

He stands in front of me and pulls a small stack of folded pages out of the inside pocket of his jacket. He separates it into two piles and hands them both to me.

“Go on, look,” he says eagerly.

I begin leafing through the pages. The first pile has page after page listing different care facilities, along with doctor bios and qualifications, reviews, pricing lists, insurance plans accepted, and printed directions from my house. The second pile has at least a dozen different English teaching positions at universities and community colleges around New Hampshire.

“Jake, what are these?” I ask even though it’s clear what they are.

“Stay,” he says simply.

“You deserve to have a life without regret. I can’t promise that, but I want to try. I’ve done some research and spoken to people at each of these facilities. I think they could all be great options for your father if you’d like to look at moving him. If not, I’ll drive down to see him with you whenever you’d like. Or you can go alone, maybe visit with Piper. I also looked up some teaching opportunities within forty minutes of here. I don’t want to overstep, but I want you to know that you have options. If you want to stay in Wilcox Grove, I want to help you be here.”

I stare at him in disbelief.

“Is this what you’ve been doing on your computer every night?”

“I wanted to be thorough.” He shrugs.

I look back at the pages in my lap.

“I don’t know if moving William is a good idea, though.”

“That’s ok. Talk to his doctors. See what they say.”

“And I’m committed to my old job at least for the spring semester. I couldn’t bail on them this close to the end of the year.”