Page 291 of Scarbound

“He said he’d hurt them if I didn’t. So I started seeing them in secret or outside the house.” Noeul swallowed. “They were my best friends. That was all. I never had romantic feelings for any of them.”

His fingers curled into his palms. “But Gong didn’t believe that. In his mind, I had betrayed him. And I had to be punished.”

“About three years before Haneul’s suicide, Gong tried to stop me from meeting them at the park.” His voice became smaller. “That night…”

He stopped. Ji-Woo lowered his gaze, giving him what little privacy he could.

“That was the first time he touched me.”

Duri closed his eyes.

Noeul continued before either of them could respond. “That was the first time I wished I were dead.” His voice remained strangely calm now, almost detached. “After that, the beatings got worse. And he became more dependent. More obsessive.”

He counted the questions almost mechanically. “Where are you going? Who are you talking to? Who are you texting? Who did you meet?”

Noeul rubbed his thumb against his palm. “We shared a room.” The sentence was barely audible. “So it was easy.”

Ji-Woo’s face crumpled. “Hyung…”

“Mom and Dad worked long overtime hours. They came home late. Sometimes not until morning.” Noeul stared at his hands. “I hid everything.”

“Why?” Ji-Woo whispered.

Noeul gave him a look almost of disbelief. “How could I tell them?”

“Because he was hurting you.”

“He was my twin brother.” The answer came instantly. “Our family was already falling apart. Gong was sick. Mom was exhausted. Dad barely knew what to do with him. And I…” He shook his head. “I couldn’t bring more shame into our family.”

Ji-Woo looked stricken. “There was no shame in what happened to you.”

“I know that when I say it about someone else.” Noeul looked away. “I tried to stop Gong. I did. But when he had his episodes, I was afraid of him. I never knew what he was going to do.” His breathing quickened. “More than once, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill all of us.”

Ji-Woo’s eyes filled again.

“I had to protect you.”

“No, hyung!”

“I thought I did,” Noeul corrected himself before Ji-Woo could. “I thought that was my job.” His gaze fell. “You. Mom. Dad. Haneul. Everyone.”

A long silence followed.

“And then I found out what he did to Haneul.” Noeul’s mouth trembled. “He was abusing him too.”

He covered his face again. For several seconds, there was nothing but his breathing.

Then the sobs came.

“I feel filthy.” Duri’s expression broke. Noeul pressed both hands against his face. “I hate this body.” His shoulders shook. “No matter how many times I wash it, I still feel him.”

Ji-Woo began crying silently.

“I still feel Chung-Hee.” Noeul dragged his hands down his face. “I look like Gong. I have his face. His blood.” His voice fell to almost nothing. “Sometimes I look at myself and I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.”

He stared down at his hands. “This body doesn’t feel like mine.”

Noeul’s next words came slowly. “It feels like I’m carrying him inside me.” He swallowed. “Like I’m carrying a rapist inside me.”