Page 51 of Worth Loving You

“Am I happy?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Are we moving to a safer neighborhood in a better apartment?”

“Yeah.”

“Then what’s the big deal if I’m changing?”

Heaving a sigh, she sank into the cushions, crossing her arms and legs and pouting. “I dunno. Everythin’ is movin’ so fast, you know? I’m worried about you. I don’t want you gettin’ your heart broken.”

Snorting, I dropped my foot to the floor. “I’m not in love with Milo. Can’t break a heart if there’s no love.”

She squinted and whispered, “And you’re okay with that?”

I rocked to the side, tucked my leg beneath me, and leaned toward her, rubbing my fingers over the suede to make lines. “You know those nightmares you always hear me waking up to?”

“Yeah?”

“They’re…of my stepfather.”

I closed my lids, took a deep breath, and decided to just confess. I had never trusted anyone more than I did Jennifer, why wouldn’t I divulge my secret hang ups?

“He…married my mom when I was four years old, and my earliest memories were of him telling me I wasn’t good enough to be his daughter because I was too fat and ugly. He uh, ahem.” Bile coated my tongue and my throat constricted, the back of my nose burning. “Used to tell me I never should have been born, and if I were smart, I’d just kill myself and rid the world of my hideousness.”

“Oh, my Lord.”

“Every chance he got, he was putting me down, shaming me, pointing out all my flaws. He even smacked me around at times because I just disgusted him so much and he was humiliated he had to share a house with me.”

“Oh, sugar,” she sighed, covering her mouth with her fingertips. “What did your momma say?”

“Told me to lose weight and make my father happy. She told me I already cost her one husband, she wouldn’t let me run off another, so she started locking up the food, making me go days without any to force me to lose weight.”

“What the heck?”

“Yup,” I sighed, smoothing the fabric to erase the lines. “A couple months before I turned sixteen, he got on me for the millionth time, telling me I needed to start binging because he had family coming into town for the holidays and if I hadn’t lost at least twenty pounds, I wouldn’t be allowed to leave my bedroom the whole time they were there.”

Tensing, I sniffled, sweat beading my upper lip. “We argued and…a-and…he started hitting me again, saying if I wouldn’t kill myself, he’d do it for me.”

“Jesus.”

I coughed against my emotions, and whispered, “I had enough and ran away. I was homeless for a while, begging for food on the corners.

“Then an older lady took me in, telling me she would take care of me if I took care of her. She was old and alone. She was the one who got me into massage, actually. She always hurt from her arthritis, and stuff, and was into acupuncture and…”

My lids lowered, too many memories surfacing. I didn’t like to think of Agatha, for it hurt too much. In that one year I was with her, I had finally known what it was like to have a mother. She was gone too soon, our time too short, and to this day, I was still burdened with the weight of missing her.

“Anyway, long story short, she died, I was homeless again, busting my ass to finish my schooling to get my license and pay bills, bouncing from one hotel to another.”

She huffed, pursing her lips. “I didn’t know that.”

“I have struggled for so long, Jennifer,” I whispered, casting a sorrowful gaze. “Milo is offering me a chance to not have to struggle anymore. I didn’t have a real childhood because I was always trying to prove myself and make myself worthy to my parents.

“He likes me.” I pressed a palm to my chest, sniffling. “He likes that I am big. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy.” Squinting, I croaked, “Do you know what that feels like? All your worst insecurities, the things you hate the most about yourself, the things that make you shit…and there’s someone who likes you because of them. Jenn, no one has ever thought this way about me.”

“I did!” she whimpered, banging her fists on the cushions beside her.

“I know, honey, but it’s different when the attention comes from a gorgeous, sexy, rich and powerful man.”