Page 225 of Carousel

“You’re supposed to be on bed rest.”

“That’s where we’re going. Our cabin. To… rest.” He gives me one of his beautiful crooked smiles. I could see hundreds of them and still feel surprised by them. The way they make me feel.

“What shall I tell Dezeeves?” she asks. “He was concerned for your welfare.”

“Tell him, right this second, I’ve never been better.”

CHAPTER 42

The Last Night

I’m excited to be with Cosmer. Happy that this day, which was the worst day of my life, has ended up being the start of our lives together.

But the closer we get to our cabin, the more it sinks in how much we lost today.

“Cosmer. In the sky, earlier. Did you see what happened to⁠—”

“Riss? Yes. I was right behind the other ship remember.”

Just the sound of her name sends a wave of emotion through me. If I’m mourning her like this, how must he be feeling? They were best friends.

I stare at his profile. His expression is devoid of any emotion at all – which isn’t like him.

I wrap my arm around him. “I’m so, so sorry, Cosmer. I was trying to protect you both – it’s what made the magic work in the first place. I wish it had worked a second sooner⁠—”

“Can we not talk about it right now?”

I’m frowning. “I thought you’d want to talk about her. About everyone. We can think of a way to remember – honour them. We can grieve⁠—”

“I’m not going to do that,” he says. “Yet.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m grieving in my own way.”

I’m disappointed. I so wanted to comfort him.

So wanted him to comfort me.

“But…” I trail off. I have no idea how to voice what I’m feeling.

“I’m sorry Ara, but I’m not ready to have that conversation. Mother and Riss were the two most important people to me – like, I suppose, Eric and Old Mother were to you.”

“They were.”

“So, can you see how I can’t deal with this today? What I’ve gone through, on top of – I thought – losing you, and almost losing you again.”

He finally wraps his own arm around me. Interlocked, we walk slowly – and I don’t mind. We have time. We have so much time, if this is the first day of forever.

“It doesn’t feel real yet, and I’d like to keep it that way, for a little longer.” He kisses my neck. “Only you feel real right now. And I want to enjoy you. My last good thing.”

I’m barely through the cabin door when he’s pushing me up against it, kissing me deeply and messily. He’s pulling my hair with one hand. Grabbing my waist and pressing me against him with the other. There’s a hunger in him I’ve never seen before.

I expected this. I got his meaning, earlier. Bed rest. I’m even responding, meeting his kisses as best I can.

But the longer he does this…

Abruptly, I separate my lips from his. Go under his arm to face him from his other side.