Page 180 of Carousel

I don’t.

Wading to get closer to him, I say, hushed, “You have no idea.”

“Wrong,” he states, stepping forward himself. He bends his head over mine. “I’m the only person who has any idea.”

I glare up at him, unblinking and breathing hard. Waves of emotions crash out of me, into him. I don’t know if he can feel them. He’s dark and immoveable, like the rocks on a shoreline.

And then, under it all – my loathing for him and my shame and my misery and my fear – I feel something else.

My blood rushes to my face.

My toes lift.

I find my voice. Hook it out of my throat. “What are you doing?”

“Trying something.”

My heart pounds. “Stop it. Right now.”

“Why?” he asks, lowering his voice. “What are you feeling?”

“You know what I’m feeling. You’re making me feel it.”

He smiles. “I am making you feel it, but I promise you, I do not know what it is.” He adds, playfully, “Not with certainty, anyway.”

My body shifts. I squeeze my legs tighter together. I’m burning from the effort of not burning.

For him.

“You’re lying.” I accuse him. “You know I’m with someone. You know I loathe you now. This is… You…”

I can’t even find the words. I’m so disgusted by him. So livid.

He is calm as the night sky.

The night sky, which is his favourite colour.

It’s also, often, the colour of his eyes.

Insanity. This is insanity.

He releases me. The emotion subsides, as if sinking into the water, and I dive over to the step within the bath.

“Ara,” his voice says.

Climbing out, I spit, “Never speak to me again. This alliance is over.”

“Alliance?” he asks, with what sounds like a sneer. “I thought we were calling it a friendship.”

“You ruined it.”

I throw my clothes on, not caring that my body’s still wet and my clothes are sticking to me. This stupid place, with no towels.

“Ara,” he says again, softer this time.

Ignore him. Just ignore him.

I manage a single step across the tiles before his voice comes again and makes me stop. It’s dark, slippery, like a spill of oil. “Whatever you were feeling, you were already feeling it. I just asked you to feel it more.”